My husband left me and our son 8 weeks ago. We have been married 29 years so it is a big adjustment for me. At this point my husband says he is not getting any kind of help (he doesn't think he needs it) and is not coming back. He threatens divorce just about every time I talk to him. He's said this so many times I can't count. Some days I feel a sense of freedom and some days I feel a devastating loss. I keep remembering the early days of our marriage when things were good and he was focused on our relationship, was kind and loving. Then at other times I think of how it has been the last several years and I don't think I can do that anymore even if he wants to come back. I'm taking things day by day but really wonder what is my ultimate goal. I really don't know at this point. I think I would like my husband in my life but not sure if I want him here as my husband. This is hard for me because I really don't favor divorce but I'm really getting to the point in my life where the stress of dealing with him as his wife and his untreated ADHD was too overwhelming. Do others feel this way?
I just don't know if I can do it anymore
Submitted by WornOutMB on 09/22/2014.
Just waiting to see what may happen next
Submitted by Standing on
sounds horrible!
Can you visit with a counselor about putting a plan into place? With add and no structure to your separation, feels like you are at his mercy. I don't know, Worn. At the least, you may need an attorney to establish his financial role in your life. Please take good care of yourself.
Yes. A few details differ
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Yes. A few details differ but my feelings are like yours.
I know how you feel
Submitted by FindingHope on
First of all, I'm amazed you have stuck this out for 29 years. I'm going on 10 years and the only thing that is keeping us together are the kids. I really understand that feeling of not know what to do. It is like a daily question about should you hang on or let go. I am no one to give advice so I will just say that I understand and that you are not alone! All you can do is be true to yourself and try to get help for you. I started reading the ADHD Marriage book and it says that you can not fix someone with ADHD. They have to want it and take responsibility. I have cancer and I wouldn't wait for someone else to make my doctor's appointment for me! Then again, the hardest part of this is that people with ADHD have a hard time organizing their thoughts and lives in general. Where does it end!
I hope you find peace soon!
FindingHope, It has not been
Submitted by WornOutMB on
FindingHope, It has not been easy at times. The difference between now and previous years is that in the last few years my husband's symptoms, especially the impulsiveness, have become out of control. It has caused major problems between us. He doesn't see it or won't admit it and won't get any help for it. I have anxiety issues which I have been addressing with counseling for the last year and a half. I feel much improved within myself but cannot live with my husband now because his symptoms are raging. He is not only impulsive, but angry, a fault finder, and a blamer. All of this has been aimed at me. Although I am concerned about the future, right now there is a peace in my life that hasn't been there for some time.
I hope you are taking care of yourself also.
In the same boat
Submitted by dprjessie on
My husband and I have been together for 15 years and in marriage counseling on and off. He was diagnosed with adult ADHD years ago but we never learned about the effect it has on a marriage until our current counselor started to talk with us about it. I always knew something was off in our relationship but, although my complaints over the years are identical and written in detail by many others on this site, I never knew until now what was wrong with/missing from out relationship. Recently his symptoms have become so out of control though and I have been lost and baffled by his apparent hatred of me. Where we used to talk things out, now every time my feelings are hurt by his quick and vicious insults and I try to express those feelings, however nicely, he is not at all willing to hear it. Any expression of hurt by his actions is considered criticism and disrespect. We have two small children so divorce is not an option for me, but the pain he inflicts is so stressful. Knowing now that it is ADHD is helpful but it still hurts. He refuses to get treatment of any kind because he "likes the way his mind works". I have also been in treatment for anxiety and it only seems like the better I am doing the less I feel like dealing with his selfishness and inconsiderate behavior. The worst for me is his COMPLETE indifference to making me cry. He just said to me that he "gave up all of his friends for this relationship and family" with such resentment in his voice. (This is a ridiculous statement BTW considering I am constantly staying home with our children so he can go here and there and do whatever he pleases) This comment hurt so bad because I know that he has given up no more than every person who chooses to have kids gives up. In fact he has had to give up less of his social life because I pick up the slack with taking care of our kids. When I began to cry because his comment hurt me so badly he walked out the door and left. There is no comfort, caring, or concern for the pain he inflicts on me. I know it is not his fault and that his brain just works differently than others but with him refusing to even try holistic treatments I just don't know how I am supposed to go on this way.
One of the hardest things I
Submitted by Tired-to-my-bones on
One of the hardest things I had to deal with in the early years of our marriage was my husband's complete indifference to me being upset. Once when he had pushed me too far and I cried, he commented ' I don't know why you are crying. I should be the one who's crying'. And walked out of the room. He didn't come back to the subject or make amends. He acted as if it never happened. And that was one of the many many times I was left up in the air with no where to place this unreasonable, unjust, cruel behaviour. I eventually named it emotional abuse. He was horrified that I used the word abuse in relation to him. He could not see that his behaviour was out of order. Total denial. That had the most profoundly negative effect on me. That someone who purportedly cared for me could be so callous. I lost some of my love for him that day. I haven't ever recovered it.
For what it's worth - look at how his family behaves. My husband's mother used to pretend to take overdoses in front of her children. For many years,I put down this particular behaviour to learning not to take any notice of someone who was distressed because his mother had tricked him once too often.
This is so hard dprjessie - for me it's like holding my own hurts and being expected to hold his too. I don't have an answer but I do know that we all seem to be subjected to an ongoing onslaught of unreasonable and in some cases, downright cruel behaviour. I have worked long and hard on understanding my own baggage. It might help to focus on yourself, what he triggers in you and where those triggers come from. Put yourself first, rather than be a reactor to his selfishness.
Do take care of yourself and use the forum to vent/ seek support.
Thank you for the reply. I
Submitted by dprjessie on
Thank you for the reply. I am still shocked by how similar my problems are to others whose spouses have ADHD. It was our counselor who labeled his actions verbal abuse at a recent session that I went to on my own. Admitting that that was what it was was so hard for me. I'm really uncomfortable using that word to describe my husband who at times is so loving and wonderful. If I used that word when speaking to my husband he would totally lose it. I have been working on myself in hopes of figuring out how to have a more harmonious relationship for years. He had me completely convinced that I was the cause of our problems. We've been together since I was 18 yrs old and I've never known any different. There have been times where his blaming me for things that I feel like I KNOW were not my fault has caused my self esteem to take a huge hit. And it has always seemed like everything I tried wasn't working. No matter how I tried to approach a situation or explain myself in different ways the result was always the same. I feel like now that I am reading about ADHD I am finally starting to understand. I am figuring out how to deal, avoid situations that cause fights, and not get my feelings hurt as much or make assumptions about how he feels about me. After he came back last night he said that he loved me so so much and I think he truly means it. Now that I know more about ADHD I'm having an easier time believing that he does in fact love me despite his actions and harsh words. Honestly I think I could learn to cope with the ADHD and everything that goes along with it if HE realized the things that the ADHD causes. Its the turning a situation around and making it my fault that I just can't deal with anymore. I'm so tired of being blamed for EVERYTHING that he forgets and EVERY fight we have (especially ones that he's in all on his own and I refuse to engage in). Taking responsibility for his actions would make all the difference in the world to me. Its the interactions that consist of this that are tearing me apart...He says something in the range of insensitive, mean, or downright abusive. I try to explain to him how he just hurt me and how his actions are not loving or respectful. He loses it and tells me that I am criticizing him and he is sick of it and he's not going to hear it - usually in a horrible hateful yelling way. In his mind he has done nothing wrong and somehow I am the one who is hurting him and I am left baffled and lost as to what to do with my hurt and anger.
This all sounds so bad, but I am a stay at home mother and my husband is an amazing provider, devoted father, and he can be a really wonderful person to be around. I just wish we could figure out a way to not have to live with so much pain.
At fault/not at fault
Submitted by ChrisChris on
Hello,
I get what you are saying. You state "I know it's not his fault" but - I implore you to reexamine that idea. Because, if he refuses to try even the most holistic treatments to curb ADHD behavioral symptoms, doesn't he then meet the criteria for somebody who is accountable for the outcome of his actions? What he is doing to you is not OK - not at all.
Case in point: Alcoholics have differently-working brains too, but that fact does not exonerate a still-drinking alcoholic from fault and accountability for what their drinking does to the people around them.
Just sayiing ...
Accountability
Submitted by c ur self on
Based on my marriage separation that lasted 11 months...You need to stop talking to him unless it's constructive....People will use stuff like divorce, and any other thing as threats in their attempt to control. I suggest you give him an ultimatum...It's been 8 weeks, so you tell him...The only way you will have any contact with him is through a counselor...I've been here...I person who refuses or is incapable of seeing reality, want's to control things for their comfort, regardless of the hell's they are forcing on others, which they seem to be completely oblivious too. So, you really haven't accomplished anything, if he can still get you on a phone to make threats...He needs to be forced into accountability, to be a loving provider and a man who is responsible and self aware....The only hope you have of that happening is for him to see his need....Then he will get help...But, you cannot enable him in anyway...It will always be your fault...After 29 years, I'm sure you see that. Good luck wornoutmb....
Thank you c ur self. Because
Submitted by WornOutMB on
Thank you c ur self. Because we still have our finances connected and have a son we have to communicate somewhat. Right now he is still paying the majority of the bills. I do pay about 25 % of them but my income is not high enough yet to pay more. He supplies the money, I pay them. We've tried to talk sensibly about everything several times but he cannot seem to do so without saying hurtful things. The last time he was asking if I wanted to stay in our home. I said yes, because he has said repeatedly he would rather live in an apartment than have upkeep of a house. He said he doesn't want to live in our house while I'm here. I am not going to be talked to that way, so it ended our conversation. I have been offered marriage counseling at church but my husband wants no part of it. He stopped going to church 2 years ago. His excuse was that I was seeking counseling there and he didn't want anyone to know our business. Another thing blamed on me.
I don't know if he'll ever see his need for help. Based on what I've heard it appears his family is guiding him in his decisions and responsibilities. When we started having more than the usual marriage difficulties his sister inserted herself into my husband's life and I know she has been a huge influence in what he has been doing. She has never liked me and I have a feeling she was jumping at the chance to do what she is doing now. She is twice divorced, lives with their mother and is one of the biggest busybodies I've ever known, along with my mother-in-law. My husband's oldest sister, who I am still friendly with, told me my husband made a big mistake in confiding in them because they will not stay out of people's business. There are several family members who have ADHD including my sister-in-law's daughter and they treat them like they can do nothing for themselves. I imagine that is what is happening with my husband, they are telling him exactly what he should do, none of it beneficial to our marriage. My husband has a tendency to hyper focus on people, think they are the greatest, give the best advice, etc then eventually gets tired of them and moves on.
I do get that in my husband's eyes it will always be my fault. I have had a lot of time to reflect on our marriage and realize that a majority of the time when we had disagreements whether it was my fault or not, I took the blame, I apologized, I was the peace maker. What it did is destroy my self worth. I felt like the most horrible person, I must be if I was causing so much trouble. It has been with counseling and prayer that I've come to see the truth. Yes, I have faults but I am not responsible for everything that has been wrong in our marriage and everything that my husband feels like he didn't accomplish or enjoy in life.
I understand....
Submitted by c ur self on
Family can be the biggest enabler's of irresponsible behavior...That's been one of our marriages' toughest challenge's. When people love there family member it is so easy to become an enabler...But, truth be told, they wouldn't live with them until the bread got done....People who do that make it extra hard on a spouse who loves their mate, but refuses to enable...It's a huge stumbling block in the effort to have a close loving relationship...There is very little commonality to begin with....And the more people look the other way or make an excuse for irresponsible behaviors...well, like I said, many of us know's how that works out....You can feel so alone even in their presents. And if you try to have loving conversations about their actions, they always take it like your putting them down, I'm trying to respect her choices for her life, and limit my thoughts about it. I know I need acceptance also. Well I hope the very best for you...I suggest you just focus on all you have on you, and be at peace with yourself....We can't change anyone else, but, we can work on our own hearts...