I just gave up all over again

I tried to communicate some things.  Some very important things. Some very fundamental things.  

I cannot be heard. I don’t know where adhd symptoms begin/end and the other stuff like personality, denial, dysfunctional views of relationships, selfishness, simple misunderstanding, communication style, etc, also begin/end.  

After another attempt, and getting anger in return, I give up all over again.  I cannot be heard yet again, and I don’t know if/when that will happen.  For awhile after this latest attempt, I wondered if he was right, and I was being too sensitive, too this, too that. Was I reframing things to fit my own internal narrative?  I wondered.  But then I remembered.  I know I’m not crazy or viewing things totally in left field because other people tell me their relationship with him is strained, too.  Other people voice hurt over the same things I tried to address.  Extended family members have also given up, and I’ve watched them draw boundaries.  Other people watch him with me and make comments about how our relationship is.  

I’ve wracked my brain again and again. I’ve tried so many things. I cannot keep trying and pushing.  I think I’m done.  I give up. Again. 

I think my only way to stay in this marriage and not despise him, stop loving him completely, or become horribly jaded is to view him and think of him in the same way we would view someone who’s been in a terrible accident and now can do nothing to fix the damage to their brain.  That isn’t the truth of our situation, but I think it’s the view I have to have for my own mental health.  For my own heart’s sake.  Because I can’t forever stay mentally in the place where things should be far better, could be far better, but aren’t far better.

~ Brin