I will try not to ramble and for this to have some sort of flow, but I can not promise anything. Im 31 years old and recently (within) 2 weeks dx with ADHD-combined type. At first I thought it would be a relief to finally know "what was wrong with me", but it has only added to my stress. As long as I can remember, I have been "that girl" that excessively talks, climbs everything, constantly on the go, has 30,000 lists that cover every possibility in life, I interrupt , am socially awkward, and have always heard "oh that just her, give her time, you'll love her." As a child I was suspended from school in 4th grade, for talking and getting out of my seat. But back then my doctor told my mother, oh her grades are good, I am not testing her.
Anyway, quick run down, I have always felt like something is wrong with me because I can not control my racing mind, I can not control my own mouth and not interrupt, I have a short fuse and get upset over the stupidest things, which in turn makes me feel like a complete failure. I have suffered with "depression" since the age of 10, have been to several counselors, several different medications, have had an issue with cutting (not like the extreme that you will see, but when I can't not get my mind under control... Maybe a total of 8 scars), tried killing myself at 14, was in a psychiatric facility, was even doing counseling until last year (which never seemed to help my underlying issues). The doctor a few weeks ago spoke with me for over 2 hours, explained that I have always had the ADHD, and while I learned to compensate the best I could at the time, that current life situation (I work fulltime, in grad school, a relationship that is falling apart, and recently miscarried) has simply over stimulated me to the point I can not compensate any more. My boyfriend of 3 years says "so you have an excuse and I just have to deal with it." I don't want an excuse, I just want someone to understand me. I am trying to keep it all together, and I just can't. The dr also told me that he really is irritated that people missed all the signs and clues pointing them to the underlying cause. I guess he is right, I mean if you try and try and try and try to not be "how you are" and continue to "fail", most people would get depressed.
My doctor said that it is actually not as common for a female to have the hyperactivity and impulsivity, but I meet every requirement for diagnosis. Even as an adult I can't stay seated, I fidget all the time, I interrupt, can't wait my turn, easily frustrated, and never look like I pay attention. Oh yes, and I repeat myself.....ALOT.... My boyfriend takes it as grinding or nagging, but Im simply trying to explain myself to him, how I see something, why I think the way I do..... Everyone else get that, even the doctor said it is extremely common part of the hyperactivity. Oh yes and when my mind races, I CANNOT make it stop. So I will ramble, or text, or write pages in my spiral..... I get so tired of hearing "just take a breath, that will relax your brain." The same when I can not focus for homework, which I should be doing right now.... Im told "oh just do something else for 15 minutes then go back." My mind controls me, I'm the girl that can't sleep at night because my brain won't shut up, Im the girl who will go to walmart at 0200 to buy paint, so I can paint my kitchen.
At this point I just don't know how this is going to improve. I don't know how anyone will ever love me like this. I am going to have a graduate degree and be successful professional, but my personal life it up in chaos. Everyone has always left me. Which is why I am scared to show anyone who I truly am. There is a song by MercyMe that states "if they see your heart, theyd see too much." That is exactly how I feel.
Sorry for the ramble, Im sure there is so much I let out..... I just don't know how to get my temper, racing thoughts, and focus under control.... I love my boyfriend and don't want to start over.... I just don't know what to do.... He even said that had I had this diagnosis last may (went to my pcp again, was started on depression meds with no relief) that it would be different because he would have known then what the issue was, he would have "better understood" that you did not mean to have a short fuse or "snap at me." Which by the way, I realize exactly what I have done 5 seconds later and profusely apologize. I was hoping to be able to get in on the Counseling on this page, but noticed it is full. Trying to find someone around here that understands how real this is and how it effects people.
Thanks for reading my rambling,