I just need to know there is hope.....

I will try not to ramble and for this to have some sort of flow, but I can not promise anything.  Im 31 years old and recently (within) 2 weeks dx with ADHD-combined type.  At first I thought it would be a relief to finally know "what was wrong with me", but it has only added to my stress.  As long as I can remember, I have been "that girl" that excessively talks, climbs everything, constantly on the go, has 30,000 lists that cover every possibility in life, I interrupt , am socially awkward, and have always heard "oh that just her, give her time, you'll love her."  As a child I was suspended from school in 4th grade, for talking and getting out of my seat.  But back then my doctor told my mother, oh her grades are good, I am not testing her. 

Anyway, quick run down, I have always felt like something is wrong with me because I can not control my racing mind, I can not control my own mouth and not interrupt, I have a short fuse and get upset over the stupidest things, which in turn makes me feel like a complete failure. I have suffered with "depression" since the age of 10, have been to several counselors, several different medications, have had an issue with cutting (not like the extreme that you will see, but when I can't not get my mind under control... Maybe a total of 8 scars), tried killing myself at 14, was in a psychiatric facility, was even doing counseling until last year (which never seemed to help my underlying issues). The doctor a few weeks ago spoke with me for over 2 hours, explained that I have always had the ADHD, and while I learned to compensate the best I could at the time, that current life situation (I work fulltime, in grad school, a relationship that is falling apart, and recently miscarried) has simply over stimulated me to the point I can not compensate any more.  My boyfriend of 3 years says "so you have an excuse and I just have to deal with it."  I don't want an excuse, I just want someone to understand me.  I am trying to keep it all together, and I just can't.  The dr also told me that he really is irritated that people missed all the signs and clues pointing them to the underlying cause.  I guess he is right, I mean if you try and try and try and try to not be "how you are" and continue to "fail", most people would get depressed. 

My doctor said that it is actually not as common for a female to have the hyperactivity and impulsivity, but I meet every requirement for diagnosis.  Even as an adult I can't stay seated, I fidget all the time, I interrupt, can't wait my turn, easily frustrated, and never look like I pay attention.  Oh yes, and I repeat myself.....ALOT.... My boyfriend takes it as grinding or nagging, but Im simply trying to explain myself to him, how I see something, why I think the way I do..... Everyone else get that, even the doctor said it is extremely common part of the hyperactivity.  Oh yes and when my mind races, I CANNOT make it stop.  So I will ramble, or text, or write pages in my spiral..... I get so tired of hearing "just take a breath, that will relax your brain."  The same when I can not focus for homework, which I should be doing right now.... Im told "oh just do something else for 15 minutes then go back."  My mind controls me, I'm the girl that can't sleep at night because my brain won't shut up, Im the girl who will go to walmart at 0200 to buy paint, so I can paint my kitchen.  

At this point I just don't know how this is going to improve.  I don't know how anyone will ever love me like this.  I am going to have a graduate degree and be successful professional, but my personal life it up in chaos.  Everyone has always left me.  Which is why I am scared to show anyone who I truly am.  There is a song by MercyMe that states "if they see your heart, theyd see too much."  That is exactly how I feel.  

Sorry for the ramble, Im sure there is so much I let out..... I just don't know how to get my temper, racing thoughts, and focus under control.... I love my boyfriend and don't want to start over.... I just don't know what to do.... He even said that had I had this diagnosis last may (went to my pcp again, was started on depression meds with no relief) that it would be different because he would have known then what the issue was, he would have "better understood" that you did not mean to have a short fuse or "snap at me."  Which by the way, I realize exactly what I have done 5 seconds later and profusely apologize.  I was hoping to be able to get in on the Counseling on this page, but noticed it is full.  Trying to find someone around here that understands how real this is and how it effects people.  

Thanks for reading my rambling, 

Kelly

carathrace's picture

don't despair

Kelly, my heart goes out to you.  You have made such a valiant effort to be "normal", to fit your round peg into everybody's square hole, and have suffered much.  If you're anything like my husband, being diagnosed and having a NAME for what he's been going through his whole life was both a relief, and a scary shock.  I think the scary shock is hitting you and you're kinda feeling overwhelmed right now.

It sounds like this doctor at last understands you.  Has he put you on some ADHD meds?  It sounds like  you're a good candidate for help from the meds.  All I want to say is, don't despair.  You could look at it as, now you're finally on the right road and the journey to a better life is beginning.  Definitely check out the meds and ask your doctor if he can recommend an ADHD counselor or coach.  If there aren't any in your area, there are a few online.

Best wishes to you, dear.  Keep us up on your progress.

oh yes

Sorry, I am currently on medication.  He started me on Focalin and we are currently trying to find the "dose" that works the best.  He says after that we will switch to a long acting.  I have noticed sometimes the medication is quieting my brain, but it feels like there is a fight between my brain and the medicine. Like the medicine is trying to calm it down but the racing thoughts are pushing back even harder.  The focusing has not changed to much just yet.  I'm scared to up the dose even more, as sometimes I feel like I'm shaking even though I am not and my heart feels like it is racing, again even though it is not.  I think the highest the rate has gotten is 98bpm.  Which is fast for me, but not considered high.  

Tomorrow I will start on 30mg in the morning, depending on how that makes me feel, I will repeat that dose appox 5 hours later.  I try to stretch it out as I work 12.5 hour days.  

And yes, it was a relief, but then came the overwhelming feeling that it doesn't matter.  Maybe because currently my boyfriend is saying that things between us will never get better.  That the 50% we are good is great, but that the other 50% is bad and he is tired of me ripping his head off..... That just makes me feel like a failure even more.  I mean it is nice to know why I have always had a short fuse and finding my self snapping at the stupidest things (I've hated I could not control my "temper"), but it's like it does not even matter that I tried not to do it, and that I ultimately couldn't control it.... I think that's it too, I have always hated that feeling that I can not control myself.  And even though the dr told me that I am not a failure, because due to the ADHD there was no way I could have controlled it 100% without any help and medication, I still just feel like I should be able to control myself.   I hate that my stress is making the symptoms worse. The relationship issues is just adding to the stress and my symptoms are out of control...

I'm glad that you have stuck through your husband with this... Men don't really like a short fused female...

Im really looking forward to being "normal" to being able to not interrupt, to be able to focus and pay attention, to be able to finish my laundry :), and to control myself.  Just wonder when all the feelings of failure as a person go away.  I have 7 more months of my masters program, hoping then I am able to breath and not be so over the top.  

I do plan on asking from recommendations to a psychologist or counselor who understands ADHD.... I don't need to hear anymore "Just take a deep breath and clear your brain.  Focus your energy on something else." Guess people don't understand I can't :(

Hi there...

Hang in there sweetie. 

I am a female with combined type ADHD. It's tough. I struggle with all the stuff you describe... My whole life until my diagnosis 2 years ago I always wondered what was wrong with me and had so much self-loathing for being unable to 'control myself'.

Anyway- treatment has helped me tremendously. I take concerta, work out, eat healthy, go to therapy weekly (now it's less frequent), and have read everything I can about ADHD. The result is that I am in better control of myself and I have the knowledge to know when it's time for me to go for a walk or be by myself... But I am still me and I am wonderful, despite my challenges. Therapy helps a lot with the self-loathing and self-esteem issues that have likely built up over the years.

as for the relationship stuff- that's tough. Any relationship will have it's challenges and it's rocky periods (if it's long enough), and ADHD makes is tougher...

But just remember that you can only control so much. You can't become a different, subdued, timid, quiet, still woman. That is not who you are- and that if fine! The world would be boring without people like us!!

hang in there, work your treatment rigorously and try to cut yourself a massive break. You've done we'll to deal with this your whole life without knowing what it was or that you had it. Give yourself a break. 

Sending cyber hugs. ((())))

:)