After over a decade together, my marriage to my ADHD spouse is over. He actually asked for the divorce, but I didn't fight it. He has threatened divorce more times than I can count, but this time I just said, "OK" and moved out. He told me later that he didn't mean it, he just said it to try and get me to "appreciate him" and realize how hard my life would be without him. I laughed. My life with him was a nightmare. I tried extremely hard to make it work. I went to therapy, I researched ADHD, I worked hard to change myself to accommodate his perceptions and needs time after time, but it was never enough for him. No matter what I did, another problem would surface for which I was always completely at fault. He took meds, but did nothing else. It's as if he believed that the meds were enough and as long as he took them, he could forget about all of the other ways ADHD manifested itself and impacted our relationship. I have been reading posts on this forum for years, and my marriage looked very much like what most people here post about. The explosive and irrational anger that causes walking on eggshells, the gaslighting, the avoidance, the getting blamed for everything, the constant trying to keep up with the chaos, the loneliness. This is my first post and I want to share what the past few months have been like for me now that I am free of the marriage.
I am happy. For the first time in over a decade, I can relax. I can take time for myself at the end of the day and read a book or watch a show without having to give someone 100% of my attention when he could never reciprocate that to me. My home is clean, and organized. My panic attacks and anxiety have disappeared. Nobody is yelling at me everyday. I can see my friends and my family without the embarrassment of explaining why my DH is hiding from them or acting cranky and withdrawn. I am no longer experiencing the daily pain of simultaneously being pressured to be available to him at all times, but ignored when I have needs for support or attention. I can go out with friends without being accused of cheating. Nobody is telling me I'm a bad wife/mother/person because I have passions and hobbies that I will not give up. When something good happens to me or I succeed at something, the people around me are genuinely happy for me instead of being jealous of my success and being mad that it might be an inconvenience to them in some way.
I have realized that I am not, in fact, crazy. I am good at handling conflict in a conciliatory and compromising fashion. I realized that it is not normal or healthy to have someone not validate your genuine feelings and argue with you in circles for hours or days on end and then to accuse you of being a terrible person for having needs of your own.
I have more energy. My depression has melted away, and I can function better mentally and physically better than I have in years.
I entered a new relationship with someone who respects me. Who listens to me. When I have a problem in the relationship, he doesn't get angry, instead he acknowledges my feelings and then doesn't repeat the behavior that makes me upset. He cheers me on in my pursuits in life, and is sincerely happy for my success. He trusts me. When he tells me he's going to do something, he follows through. That is something I'm still not used to. When he asked me if I wanted to go on a trip, I was shocked when he called me with the specific details about when, where and how we were going. I am so used to broken promises that I didn't expect it to actually happen. I remembered that most people follow through with plans for the SO, and I was so happy and grateful.
I became so used to the chaos and the circus, that I thought I deserved the hardship, loneliness and misery. I blamed myself. I have regained my sense of self worth, and now I know that I can have and deserve to have the life that I want and on my terms. My boundaries are no longer negotiable, and there is now nobody in my life who is trying to cross them and tear them down.
Things are hard. I gave up my big beautiful home, my financial security and my pets. I live in a tiny apartment, I only get my kid 50% of the time, and I work 4 jobs to make ends meet. However, I do not regret one damn thing. I am infinitely happier and more confident, and I thank God everyday for my new life. Thank you for reading, and I wish peace, happiness and success to everyone else here who is still struggling.
I cried when I read this...
Submitted by glozagramma on
... It is SO my life, I have been with my husband for 2 1/2 years of marriage and 4 years together. I cried, I am currently living with all you have dealt with for many more years than I. I cried because I love my husband but I cannot live this way, it is making me old so fast. He refuses to own his ADHD, he has been diagnosed but he doesn't follow up with the counseling, he takes the meds when he wants. He doesn't think he has a problem, I am the problem. He blames everything on me, I have been reading the ADHD Effect on Marriage and it is has been an eye opener! I have highlighted just about every word because it is my life. I feel lost and alone. How can I possibly get past all the hate and anger that has been displayed. I have tried in so many ways to make this marriage work but there is only so much a human being can stand before they act out themselves. We have more bad times than good. I have threatened to leave many times before, so much in fact now he doesn't believe me. Thank you for sharing your story.
I don't want to tell you that
Submitted by lallamana on
I don't want to tell you that it won't get better or to leave your marriage. I know a few people who have found a way to make it work. However, in my case even when things got better, I realized after so many years that it was never going to what I needed in a relationship. I'm sorry that you're going through this, and you're right that there is only so much a person can take before they begin to behave in ways that are antithetical to who they want to be. It is soul crushing to be ashamed of your own behavior when you reach your breaking point, but please forgive yourself. You are only human, not a saint. You matter, your needs matter, your boundaries matter, and your anger matters. Don't let go of who you are and forgive yourself for your missteps. You're not alone. If you do decide you want to leave but are scared or feel that you can't do it, I want you to know that you can. I thought I couldn't both emotionally and financially, but once I reached my breaking point and took the plunge, I realized that I could have all along. Stay because you want to, not out of fear. Love to you!
I can soooo relate to much of
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I can soooo relate to much of this.
but, again, much of what you've described is not ADHD. Much of what you've described is more than that. Your H may have ADHD, but the more damaging symptoms that you mention are more than ADHD. More likely they are a personality disorder.
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He has threatened divorce more times than I can count, but this time I just said, "OK" and moved out. He told me later that he didn't mean it, he just said it to try and get me to "appreciate him" and realize how hard my life would be without him. I laughed. My life with him was a nightmare. I tried extremely hard to make it work. I went to therapy, I researched ADHD, I worked hard to change myself to accommodate his perceptions and needs time after time, but it was never enough for him. No matter what I did, another problem would surface for which I was always completely at fault.
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My H would do this, too. He also thought that my life would be hard without him and that I didn't appreciate him enough. Lol. His life fell apart without me.
do you know how your ex is doing? You mention kids...does that mean that he's got 50% custody? OMG....are your kids being properly cared for during his time? If my H had ever had custody of our kids, he would have let them stay up as late as they wanted, eat whatever they wanted, and would have had no rules for them...at all.
You mention that you now have a new partner. Is your ex reacting negatively to that?
I think you're probably right
Submitted by lallamana on
I think you're probably right that there is a personality disorder in there too, however I certainly don't feel qualified to diagnose such a thing. My ex seems to be doing OK, he's definitely been up and down and all over the place emotionally, but he still has his job, he's reconnected with friends and is pursuing whatever his "life-long dream" of the month is. He does have 50% custody of our child, but he does a good job as a father. He doesn't always get the kid to bed on time, and I don't think he eats as healthy and his house is a complete mess, but he's a good dad by and large. My ex at first was horrible when he found out about my new partner. He stopped paying child support and sent me a barrage of abusive text messages every couple of days. He threatened to lie to the courts and tell them I was abusive, he threatened to call my parents and try and convince them that I was abusive (good luck with that) but ultimately he calmed down and didn't follow through on anything. Then he started dating someone and surprise, surprise, he's back to being a nice and reasonable person for the time being. Although, he still expects me to cover for his chaos when he messes up the scheduling or something. I've been taking the high road and doing whatever I can that doesn't interfere with my life just to keep the peace.
HI Lallamana....
Submitted by c ur self on
Just reading your post....It's kind of a unique one since it's written in the time frame of post relationship w/ your adhd spouse...Thank you for posting your story, it is helpful and common to many of our relationships or past relationships,....
I'm trying by Acceptance of reality, Boundaries, and Self-awareness to find this same full and fulfilling life you are experiencing....I want only peace for my spouse and I, no matter where the road of details leads that will produce that....She deserves it, and I would like it also:)
I wish you many blessings....
C
I think I needed to read your
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I think I needed to read your post today. I am in the situation where my marriage to my ADHD husband is coming to a close. For so long, he has done the same thing - threatening me to leave, even leaving 2 other times only to come back after a couple of months. This time - I said go for it. "Go ahead, I am not gonna fight it. Leave if you want - because all this bad stuff you are talking about, the lack of control, the unhappiness - you are taking it with you - it has nothing to do with me or our home". And I mean it. He has successfully convinced me now that he doesnt love me. And even more sad for me - he doesnt WANT to love me either.
I did finally figure out WHY he came back though - nothing to do with me, but everything to do with he wasnt able to keep up with his money. I had to end up paying his "rent" at his friends house for the last month he was there. Part of me really wonders at this point if that was the only reason he came back this last time.
He gave me the same speal of "my life is with you, my future is with you, we have to promise eachother to never threaten to leave again, we know we belong together, we need to work through things".... of course he only meant it in the moment, and when he wasnt in the mood - then its "I decided a long time ago that this would never work"....
Well... excuse me then.... WHY THE HELL DID YOU COME BACK. WHY DID YOU STAY???? Only one reason the he would have stayed since he already made up his mind.... money.
Coming to grips with this has really broken me down. Even when I think he is turning a new leaf, I realize its because he knows he doesnt have enough money squirrled away to leave and have the life style he wants. I figured some stuff out today that hit me in the guts on why he wants to stay to Feb/March of next year. And it has nothing to do with how much he can "save".
I needed to know that there is hope after this. Because while I know it logically - my heart is breaking into 10000 peices. My friend of 25 years, my love of 7, my husband of 5... never returned any of it. What he saw me as was not what I saw him as. Reading about the peace, and happiness you have found after leaving the turmoil of your ADHD marriage has given me a tiny speck of hope today as I am feeling so down.
I want what you want - to have someone who respects me, who follows through, who sees me as someone worth more than their wallet. Someone who keeps their promises and honors their commitments. Someone who doesnt roll their eyes at me when I just want to spend time with them. Someone who would like to actually touch me, or hold my hand instead of thinking its "akward" or "difficult" to show ANY form of affection, nevermind intimacy. Someone who is proud to be by my side, and who appreciates me. Someone who participates in my life and shows interest in who I am. Basically - I want to be with someone who WANTS to be with me. And I am ready to walk away from someone who treats me like I am the last option, there when HE needs me for something, but can be ignored when its not to his benifit to interact with me.
Personally - I think you made a good trade. Getting all the benefits you have gotten even when it cost you that comfortable lifestyle - I envy that you are so far down the road I am just starting to travel. Wish I could fast forward to where you are at. :-)
Thankyou for sharing this. Seriously. I needed to read this so badly. I need to get back on track of rebuilding my life into what I want it to be. You reminded me of that and I appreciate it!