I thought I was making progress in getting my wife to look into the possibility that she may be affected by ADHD. She had asked for a list of experts to see for an evaluation. She had said her therapist had said that ADHD could be part of the problem.
There are have some serious problems that could be related to ADHD recently. Yesterday, she told me to turn over the laundry when we woke up. I reminded her that the laundry room was flooded. She then decided our uncooperative, probably ADHD son should do it instead. I said that I did not think this would be a good idea because it was likely he would drop some of the clean clothes onto the puddle on the floor. Oh, and she had forgotten that the laundry room was flooded.
I went down and fed the cats. I turned over the laundry when I was down there. I started eating breakfast. There was screaming and shouting upstairs--I believe I heard both of them, but my wife claims it was just him. He eventually came down and discovered I had already moved the laundry. My wife then became angry at me for undermining her--we had agreed our son would do it--even though I had said specific reasons why he should not do it. I went upstairs and started getting ready for work. I expected our daughter to be dressed when I got down, but she said my wife had told her that the clothes were not ready. So, they weren't ready when I put them in the dryer at 6:00, but I should have waited until our son did it at 6:30?????
So our daughter's case manager visited the house yesterday. She asked at one point if either of us had any developmental issues. I said, trying to be as gentle as possible, that I suspect that my wife may have ADHD and that it may be contributing to our problems. My wife then told the case manger that I was "trying to diagnose her." I responded that no, I am not trying to diagnose her, I am asking her to have a professional evaluate her precisely because I am not an expert. She then changed the story about her therapist--from ADHD may be part of the problem, to ADHD is not likely, to ADHD is not the problem. Then she added that the family services therapist said ADHD was not the problem and that the marital problems were due to the difficulties were were having with the kids.
I have never met her therapist, but I have spoke to the family services therapist alone, and that is not the impression she gave me. Furthermore, behaviors such as constantly interrupting me, failing to pick up on signals that I need to do something important like use the bathroom so please hold that thought, and ignoring me when there are more interesting complete strangers predated our kids--and even our marriage. My wife also recently ignored me in favor of strangers at an event we went to TO CELEBRATE OUR ANNIVERSARY--and the kids weren't there. No, this is not just about the kids misbehaving.
I put something quite bluntly--would it be better if ADHD was causing her to blurt out mean things about me and other people, or if she just does it because she is an asshole that doesn't give a shit.
I told her that I can't accept spending the rest of my life feeling unheard, unwanted, unloved, unimportant, and uninteresting. I explained how I saw an ADHD explanation as a source of hope--aha, this might be something we can finally address. I told her I could not go on if she refuses to consider something that could improve our relationship with each other and with our kids. Then she seemed to soften her position and suggest that she would try to see one of the experts. But now I am afraid of getting my hopes up again only her to dash them on the rocks again.
I am in a tenuous situation right now. I am going to be having surgery in a few weeks that will leave me without the use of one arm for a couple of months, so I need to be able to depend on her. Granted, she was good the last time I had surgery.
Oh, and she also told the case manager that the messiness in our home was "moderate" when the woman could see right before her eyes that the place was a complete disaster area. The disaster area is going to make my recovery from surgery more difficult.
My wife recently became very upset that a neurologist said our daughter is emotionally disturbed--when it is plain to see. Hearing the label bothered her. She thinks it should bother me. My response has been, "Well, we need to know what the problem is so we can fix it. So having a diagnosis is hopeful because it may be the beginning of a solution." I explained that I saw her possible ADHD in the same way--she may feel bad being labeled, but it is good if it helps us solve problems.
Oh, she also objected that she feels like I am telling her that there is something wrong with her. I responded that there is something wrong with the way she treats me and the kids.
My wife also tried to explain away the remark about me diagnosing her as "a joke that fell flat." I pointed out that that kind of inconsiderate joking is characteristic of ADHD. "Well, everything can be charachteristic of ADHD!"