I Lost it Again

Drat.  I lost it again.  I got so angry I yelled at my ADD wife at the top of my lungs.  It was because I am so frustrated that she misunderstands ME.  For one thing, she keeps saying that I blame ALL our problems on the ADD.  I keep telling her I don't - that I think ADD is the cause of maybe 40% of our problems.  No matter how many times I tell her this, when she gets frustrated, she says "You think ADD is the cause of all our problems." 

For the second, she keeps saying "You think I haven't done ANYTHING about my ADD"  I keep saying "I KNOW you have gotten a diagnosis, have read some boooks, are taking meds, and are trying really hard to change some of your behaviors.  And that you are feeling very overwhelmed.  I think coaching or counseling with someone familiar with ADD would help you prioritise and strategize.  And maybe you wouldn't feel so overwhelmed."  No matter how many times I tell her this, she keeps saying to me "You think I am doing NOTHING about my ADD."

Third, she is always saying I complain and nag all the time.  I have been working on that, and I KNOW I am complaining less, and I think I am nagging hardly at all (I might remind her ONCE about something, and then I let it go). I am telling her more often what I love about her, though I am sure not as often as she would have me tell her.  She often says SHE is trying very hard and I should give her a break.  I often tell her I KNOW that she is trying very hard and I see some improvement.  And yes, I also still do point out when she does things "incorrectly" - though as I said - far less than I used to.  SHE only tells me what I do incorrecltly - she tells me I complain and nag and don't tell her often enough what I love about her. 

So, I lost it.  I lost it because she keeps telling me, incorrectly, what *I THINK* no matter how many times I tell her it is NOT what I think.  And I lost it because she expects me to give her credit for all the hard work SHE is doing, yet she does not give me ANY credit for what I am doing.  And I lost it because I will acknowledge to her that I know the things I do, like complain and nag, cause HER pain,yet she does not acknowledge the things SHE does causes ME pain.  I also acknowledge to HER that I know she is working very hard, yet she does not acknowledge to ME that I am working very hard here, too.

She even said that my going on this blog so often means I think all our problems are due to her ADD and that I am focusing too much on that.  I say I am on here so often because I am working very hard to understand ADD and trying to learn new ways to respond to it, and communicate with her, so that I am not causing HER so much pain, so that I am not so frustrated all the time, and so that we might have a better relationship.  I said "It's like you speak another language, and I am trying to learn that language."

Sigh . . I don't think she heard a word I was saying.  Which, I think, is another reason why I end up yelling at her.  I HATE yelling and yet I find myself doing it ofetn with her.  I never used to be a person who yelled. :-(