Drat. I lost it again. I got so angry I yelled at my ADD wife at the top of my lungs. It was because I am so frustrated that she misunderstands ME. For one thing, she keeps saying that I blame ALL our problems on the ADD. I keep telling her I don't - that I think ADD is the cause of maybe 40% of our problems. No matter how many times I tell her this, when she gets frustrated, she says "You think ADD is the cause of all our problems."
For the second, she keeps saying "You think I haven't done ANYTHING about my ADD" I keep saying "I KNOW you have gotten a diagnosis, have read some boooks, are taking meds, and are trying really hard to change some of your behaviors. And that you are feeling very overwhelmed. I think coaching or counseling with someone familiar with ADD would help you prioritise and strategize. And maybe you wouldn't feel so overwhelmed." No matter how many times I tell her this, she keeps saying to me "You think I am doing NOTHING about my ADD."
Third, she is always saying I complain and nag all the time. I have been working on that, and I KNOW I am complaining less, and I think I am nagging hardly at all (I might remind her ONCE about something, and then I let it go). I am telling her more often what I love about her, though I am sure not as often as she would have me tell her. She often says SHE is trying very hard and I should give her a break. I often tell her I KNOW that she is trying very hard and I see some improvement. And yes, I also still do point out when she does things "incorrectly" - though as I said - far less than I used to. SHE only tells me what I do incorrecltly - she tells me I complain and nag and don't tell her often enough what I love about her.
So, I lost it. I lost it because she keeps telling me, incorrectly, what *I THINK* no matter how many times I tell her it is NOT what I think. And I lost it because she expects me to give her credit for all the hard work SHE is doing, yet she does not give me ANY credit for what I am doing. And I lost it because I will acknowledge to her that I know the things I do, like complain and nag, cause HER pain,yet she does not acknowledge the things SHE does causes ME pain. I also acknowledge to HER that I know she is working very hard, yet she does not acknowledge to ME that I am working very hard here, too.
She even said that my going on this blog so often means I think all our problems are due to her ADD and that I am focusing too much on that. I say I am on here so often because I am working very hard to understand ADD and trying to learn new ways to respond to it, and communicate with her, so that I am not causing HER so much pain, so that I am not so frustrated all the time, and so that we might have a better relationship. I said "It's like you speak another language, and I am trying to learn that language."
Sigh . . I don't think she heard a word I was saying. Which, I think, is another reason why I end up yelling at her. I HATE yelling and yet I find myself doing it ofetn with her. I never used to be a person who yelled. :-(
I was a quite shy type person
Submitted by Asetamy on
I was a quite shy type person before I met my husband. Now I find myselfy yelling often. It's hard to be with someone with these problems. I often wonder why it is that people with ADHD seem so narcissistic? It must be a part of it somehow. People who are married to someone with ADHD need to have support because of they extra pressure and responsibilities we must deal with. Coming on this site is helpful and she needs to understand that ADD does affect a relationship and puts strain on things. Again though, with people who are very narcissistic, they cannot "see" outside themselves, so their "vision" of the world is all they see. Hopefully after time maybe she will begin to understand her ADD affects you too.
It wasn't until the very end
Submitted by brooks30 on
It wasn't until the very end of my relationship with my ADHDer that I discovered that if I simply reminded him to do something (not condiscingly, very calmly and cooly) he would take it as criticism and nagging.
Also, one of my best friends has ADHD. Not as bad as my ex-fiance but ADHD nontheless. I discovered after years of knowing her that if I was having a bad day and told her about it, she thought I was yelling at her and taking it out on her even though i was simply conveying my frustraion in conversation.
I don't quite know where these perceptions come from but one thing is for certain, it is damn hard to get an ADHDer to see your point of view...just like it is hard for us to see theirs.
I understand you my friend.
Submitted by renoir911 on
Big hug to you. It's not easy is it. Try controlling yourself and you crash! You are human and I have been in your shoes many times. I really don't know what to say to you that will help as I myself did exactly what you did. Men react differently then women when you've had that one button pushed too many times. ADD is a love buster. It knows no remorse, there is no light in it. It robs your loved one of so much. It is like a thief in the night and requires no understanding. It takes courage to come here and tell all doesn't it. It is risky isn't it! We non ADD spouses take risks to try to better a situation by being strong for our ADD spouses. They do not have ADD stamped on their forehead. They are humans with beautiful minds and an intellect like you've never seen before. Perhaps it is these qualities that attracted me to my wife. How to respond, communicate is something I too failed at. Why ? Repetitions creates pain in a man. Show them once, tell them once, they should get it right ? Everyone else does, why can't your spouse ? It taxes your patience, your mental health and if you are a believer in God as I am, even your own faith. Yesterday I told my wife after an argument that I felt she had no soul. Of course she has soul! Why did I say that then! Because the ADD at it's worst, has no soul, no remorse, no understanding and definitely no love. You cannot live without these essentials in your life. When I teach new Fire Fighter recruits how to stay alive in a fire, I hope they get it good because they will not only hurt themselves if they don't, they may very well take down the whole team. It is the same thing with a relationship with an ADD spouse who does not yet know what's happening. He/she will take down the relationship until it is dust. That's why we become angry, because it is a normal response to something horrible about to happen, to stress. I know all about stress. I've been in situations as a Fire Fighter that nearly killed me. Not just once. It was anger at not wanting to die and leave loved ones behind that gave me wings. Another time I nearly died sky diging in California. I had forgoten all the basics when I made my first freefall jump. Had I listened I would have remembered to face the earth, not the sky. Had I listened I woul dhave remembered the most important code: If in doubt PULL the ripcord. I remembered that six seconds before hitting the ground. They put me right back on another load of sky divers so I would learn my lesson well this time and face my fears head on. I made a perfect jump after that. It is strong minded people like us who fight for our spouses who have ADD. We don't give up and run, we stay, we get angry and we fight hoping for the best. I am not a fighter nor confrontational. Can't stand it. It causes me to say things I regret. Counselling for me about this is very good but I am human and I have a long way to go too. Reading your post is good. I am not alone, not the wicked person she thinks I am. I am like you, untrained on how to respond to such stresses in your life. Counselling is good if you find a good counsellor as I have. I wish you the very best both of you.
I think I am going to invent a gag for us! Before we start saying something in anger, gag us!
Soul less
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
I lurk here a lot because both my hubby and I have ADD. I never post here because I've worried that my communication style and point of view would be too ADD for you guys. But something posted here has been bugging me all day.
renoir911 you said to your wife you think she has no soul! A soul-less person! OMG Reading this hurt me I can't imagine how much it hurt your wife.
People post here asking why their ADD partners are so defensive and why they take everything as an attack. It is because we go through our whole lives and marriages being told horrible hurtful things like that.
If you say things like that to your wife or husband how can you expect them to want to hear anything else you ever say? If my husband ever said something so nasty to me as that I have no soul I'd be heart broken and would be very defensive for a very long time. How do you heal and how do you trust someone how would say something so degrading and hurtful as that?
I don't care how angry you are or how fed up you are with you ADD partner acusing them of not having a soul is totally wrong. There is no excuse for that.
I have a neurological disorder but I do have a bloody soul!
Of course has a soul...
Submitted by renoir911 on
It's the frustration ok ? It's tiring, drains me of energy. I don't understand why it is so difficult to participate in a marriage when you have a severe ADD condition. No one trained me how to live a normal life with ADD in it. Am I not permitted to have rights too ? The right to a joyful union ? Why is it always the non ADD who ends up not doing so well in such marriages while the ADD goes on living in complete denial of what they've put their partners through? Why is that? It's not fair nor is it right. I said that to my wife in a moment of complete despair but I can't expect you to understand that. How would you feel when you are in such despair that you've crashed and can't go back to work for weeks perhaps months. That's what happened to me after 4 years of this. Put yourself in my shoes before you judge me. But it's always the same thing isn't it, the non ADD is always wrong, always perceived to be the initiator of problems. You can have your problems and drown in them for all I care anymore. I am of work due to the extreme stress of 4 years of something I do not wish on anyone else. If you do not get that, you probably never will in this life. The neurological disorder you have at times can be perceived as soul less to a non ADD because of the denial of being toxic to your relationship with a non ADD spouse. That's how stressful you can create a situation to escalate because you do nothing wrong! Look at the log in your eye before seeing the spec in mine please.
hurtfulness is unproductive, no matter who
Submitted by arwen on
Renoir, I'm the non-ADD spouse in my marriage, and I understand your frustration, despair, anger and anything else you're feeling. I've been in your shoes, I know how you feel. I've dealt with my husband's ADD a lot longer than you've been coping with your partner -- we have a good marriage now but there were many more years when we were having just as tough a time as you have.
And I will still tell you that in my experience, saying hurtful things is not productive in any relationship, no matter which partner does it. There is no log in MIss Behaven's eye, it is in yours. Your response sounds to me like you think that a non-ADD spouse is excused from self-control or entitled to be hurtful because of their spouse's ADD. They aren't, any more than I was when I said hurtful things to my ADD spouse for the same reasons - or than he was when he said hurtful things to me out of impulsiveness and frustration.
You have my sympathy and my hopes for a better life -- you certainly do have a right to pursue happiness (although you do not have the right to do so in a way that hurts someone else) -- but from my perspective, you still owe your partner an apology.
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
I agree.
Submitted by renoir911 on
I agree with you, I do owe my beautiful wife an apology, probably more then one apology. One of the reasons I posted what I said was to own what I said. I own everything I have ever said to my beautiful wife sincerely hoping that my counsellor and I can deal with my hurtful responses once and for all. I want to be a better person. I asked for help and i am learning, praying and hoping that two hurt people will find understanding, compassion and respect all over again. Every one of my responses have been unproductive. No, non ADD people, in fact no one is excused for loosing self control. I lost my self control and I do not excuse myself for it, I regret it yes. I am learning ways to never again loose it for any reason or anyone. I owe it to myself to be reasonable and understanding of other people's conditions even when I am in the crosshairs. Thank you for your response and understanding arwen. It is people like you and my wonderful counsellor who are making a difference for me eventhough I have hit a low like never before in my life. It's not easy to find the strenght to climb out of the depth of despair. It's one moment at a time and I need to learn to appreciate each and every moment that brings me closer to appreciate the good things in life and not sweat the stuff that I cannot change.
Since I'm Joined Now Anyways
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
I'm not going to enter into a theological discussion with you about what it means to have a soul. I am simply going to state that there are better and less dramatic, over the top ways to express frustration.
I do understand your feelings. While I have ADD myself so are most of the members of my family, including my hubby and our son also ADD. I grew up with ADD parents. I not only struggle with this disorder within myself but it is also all around me. While my hubby and I and our son do deal with our ADD as best we can many of the other family member do not. I spent a half an hour with my mom today tearing her house apart looking for her keys just so we could go to the grocery store. *sigh*
You have every right to be sad, disappointed, frustrated, angry and all of those things. They do you no good, those feelings don’t solve anything, in fact they usually add to the problems. But you are entitled to feeling them. Its human to lash out in anger. Lord knows I’ve done it myself in the past. But while it might make you feel better in the moment and while you might feel justified in doing it, you know it only makes things worse. Its like digging your own grave and each time you allow yourself to yell and scream and throw insults is like digging a little deeper.
If you are hurting so much that you are saying these things you need to get help. It sounds as though both you and your wife as hurting so much you can only think about your own pain and defending yourselves. Like a standstill or stand off. That won’t fix anything.
Also just because you have seen one ADD person doesn’t mean you have seen them all. I would appreciate it if you didn’t mistake me for being just like your wife. I do not think that I do no wrong. I’ve spent my whole life with my mistakes rubbed in my face I could never think that I do no wrong! I have worked very hard to work with my ADD and to treat it. I am a wonderful, but not perfect, wife and mother thank you.
I agree with you...
Submitted by renoir911 on
You're right, I know! And if I have dug my own grave, it would be less painful to now lie in it.
It's the frustration
Submitted by Clarity on
that does me in. I am in these type of "conversations" often with my ADD spouse, it's like he just doesn't believe me. He insists that what I say means something else. I'll break things down to the most simple terms and just don't know how to make it any clearer. In counsel he will actually agree with a mediator to seem reasonable I guess but, soon enough he's demanding his own interpretation again! I do my best to avoid him even though he complains that I won't talk with him anymore. What's the point? Either he wants to go on and on about nothing while I listen or he gets angry about nothing. I've not been trained to communicate with him but when I must it is very stressful to stay focused on what's important without getting so frustrated and then angry. It's absolutely maddening!
Sorry, no solution just commiserating...
You're right, the frustration is abominable...
Submitted by renoir911 on
Reading your post Clarity, I would just add one thing to your words about the frustration you, I and most others in our shoes feel.
I would call this frustration an abominable experience of the worst kind. It leaves you feeling so wasted. It sucks the life out of you, literally. I should know, I am a dead man.
you're not a dead man
Submitted by Clarity on
yet, and you must focus on something positive. This is an area I struggle with, to make a conscious mental effort to NOT allow the ADD behavior center stage all the time. I don't know why it is that in my mind I tend to relive these impossible conversations or circumstances over and over again as if I could finally make some sense of them! It's like I'm trapped in some awful episode of the "Twilight Zone". Gosh! I've been at it for so long... Anyway, if I don't force myself to focus on ways to create a more pleasant environment (even if it's only in my mind) my mental state snowballs. It takes some practice but, it helps!
I don't recognize myself any more
Submitted by Sueann on
I am not sure I even love my husband any more. The unrelieved focus on how to help him at whatever cost to me has worn me down. I have lost so much and changed so much and given up so much of what makes me me that I don't recognize myself any more.
When he was in his "working is for other people" phase, I determined that if I had to support him for the rest of my life, I needed to go back to school to support us better. So I"ve spent 3 years working and going to school, for a career I'm not sure I want. But I'll owe so much for the student loans I took out to finance school and carry my share of the household expenses at the same time that I will need to do it.
I have to do all this while I have medical needs I can not meet because all of our money goes to meet his needs and I don't have the money to pay my deductible for a surgery that would dramatically improve the quality of my life.
We can't own a home, which I want desperately. I sold my loom to pay the rent while he wasn't working. (Being a weaver was one part of my identity.) I just feel like, to him, I'm just put here to facilitate his life and do the stuff he either doesn't want to do or can't remember to do. I'm tired of it but I can't figure out how to stop.
Sorry to be such a downer.
Sorry
Submitted by Clarity on
I've gone back to school too and I'm not sure it was a good decision either. I especially feel for your loom and would encourage you to find a way to indulge in your creativity somehow... and maybe you could research what surgeons might consider doing a little pro bono work. When an ADD relationship gets to this point it can be very difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like a facilitator (or an enabler) myself but am unable to support myself at this time. If I could, I'd have more options I think... Sueann, please find a way to be good to yourself
I'm not doing so good supporting myself right now either
Submitted by Sueann on
There was what seemed to be a purge at my long-time job of people who'd been there a while and made more than minimum wage. I lost my job for a completely made up reason and we decided I should not look for another job but go to school full-time, so I could finish faster. I've just finished a semester and I've been working part-time. One more semester will do it.
The loom and the desire to own a house are connected. No way to set up a loom here, no room.
He denies responsibility for that. He says he didn't make me sell my loom. Well, I signed the lease too and I was legally and morally obligated to pay the rent so I sold my loom, since he refused to work.
I am working with the hospital to try to find a way to cover the surgery but most things like that seem to be for the uninsured. I'm sure I can't be the only person who can't pay a $4K deductible, but there isn't anything out there for us.
It sucks to be a housewife when your husband doesn't appreciate it, doesn't it? My first husband was like that. It was financially hard to leave him and I didn't until I had a job where I was appreciated, which he never did.
I am glad someone else understands the numb feeling I have. I always like your posts, you seem to know where you are with all of this
We need training on how to be assertive... instead of aggressive
Submitted by sapphyre on
Recently at a carer's workshop, I re-learnt about I messages. They go like this...
"When you (state behaviour)"
"I feel (state how you feel)"
"Because (what is it about behaviour or its consequence that bothers you)"
"And what I would like is (a preferred alternative)"
Now, this doesn't necessarily get the person to fix their behaviour immediately. But it does go a long way to improving communication and respecting each other's needs and feelings.
Give it a go... along with the following tips (WINK lol)
W - Wait... right time, right place (but if there never is a right time or place, then still do it some time or place!)
I - "I" message
N - Negotiate, be prepared to listen
K - Keep at it, be persistent.
this helped with my husband
Submitted by arwen on
Hoping, it sounds like the root-cause deal-breaker in this latest situation is that your wife very truly believes that she knows how you think/feel, but she's wrong, and won't give you a hearing.
What you must understand is that the "model" of your thoughts and feelings that she has built over time in her mind has become very firmly entrenched, and the firmly entrenched beliefs of ADDers tend to be harder to change than the norm, because the entrenched beliefs are often the only things that they are really sure of, so there is a tendency to cling to them more tightly than is good or useful in some situations.
I've been in this kind of situation from *both* sides. As an observant and analytical person, I'm very very good at accurately "modeling" in my mind the behaviors, thoughts and feelings of people I know well. When my husband really worked to change, but I couldn't necessarily see all the hard work he was doing, I would rely on my "model" of him to explain and predict his behaviors and thoughts and feelings -- we'd end up in fights about it and he would end up yelling at me that I didn't know what he was thinking and feeling -- and because he was trying to change, he was absolutely right. It took conscious, positive action on my part to stop using the "model" (or at least that part of the model) at these times. If I wasn't thinking about suspending my use of the model, my knee-jerk reaction was to use it, to the detriment of our dynamic.
At the same time, he himself had a much less detailed and less accurate "model" of *my* thoughts and feelings and behaviors in *his* mine. And because my initial reaction to his changes was to use the "model" of him in my mind, and make certain assumptions based on it, the "model" of me in his mind included that behavior. So when I *stopped* using the "model" and changed my feelings and thoughts, but he couldn't necessarily see the change *I* was making, he'd act just like your wife.
I tried saying to him, "Look, you're always telling me that I don't know what *you* are thinking and feeling -- what makes you think that *you* know what *I* am thinking and feeling". He'd admit that what he was doing didn't make much sense -- but that knowledge didn't seem to make any impact on his "model" and his assumptions going forward, it didn't connect with any gut-level understanding.
Finally I said to him, "You keep telling me that your ADHD brain works different than mine and that therefore I can't understand it. OK, fine, I admit I don't, although I'm trying to learn to understand it as much as I can. I can't develop expectations about you based on what my brain would do. OK. Can you understand that my non-ADHD brain works different than yours and that therefore *you* can't understand it??? Can you recognize that you can't develop expectations about *me* based on what *your* brain would do?" We discussed this point for a bit, he understood the point, I restated/summarized it and then I pressed on, "You want me to put aside my knowledge of your past thought and feelings, and believe you when you tell me that now you have different thought and feelings, whether I can see and hear them or not. OK, fine, I'm trying to do that -- but then you have to do the same -- you have to put aside *your* knowledge of my past thought and feelings, and believe *me* when I tell you that now *I* have different thoughts and feelings, whether you can see and hear them or not. I'm trying to throw out my preconceived notions, but you need to try to do that, too, and it doesn't seem to me like you are when you are telling me what I am thinking."
These were novel and startling ideas for my husband, and they *did* make a gut-level connection. They were difficult for him to digest, but over time we both dealt with this problem better. We had to have this conversation a few times over the space of a couple of years, but each time he was quicker to recognize and address the problem.
Nowadays, I rarely make assumptions about his thoughts and feelings. Instead, I form a tentative hypothesis, which I'll state by citing the basis for my hypothesis and what my hypothesis is -- e.g. "You are knitting your brows, so you look like you are annoyed" -- then follow with a direct question for what seems to me to be the most likely cause of this possible mental state -- "Are you irritated with something I said or did?" This gives him an opportunity to either refute my hypothesis and/or explain his behavior -- "No, I'm not annoyed, I'm just having a hard time figuring out what you meant" -- or clarify his thoughts/feelings -- "Yes, I guess I am ticked off because you sounded sarcastic."
Hope this helps in some way. I really do sympathize with you -- I have a terrible temper myself and I know how very difficult it can be to rein it in when you are frustrated beyond belief. Anger can be very empowering, and deliberately turning away from it can by contrast feel very disempowering -- but in general it is not a good kind of power to apply in your marriage, and in my own opinion it should be reserved as a response to truly evil actions or words. Hang in there!!!
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
Your Post Does Help
Submitted by Hoping4More on
Hey Awren,
Thanks for again taking the time to post such a thorough and thoughtful response. Unfortunately, in your reply it sounds like what worked for you was to ask your spouse to give you the same consideration he had been asking you to give him. What I am trying to do is slightly different - ask my spouse to give me the same consideration I am giving her, without her asking me to. I just AM, after reading some of the posts here. So I am not sure how to get her to connect to what I am asking her to do.
I do like your example of how you check your assumptions with your spouse, by stating a behavior you see and your hypothesis about what it might mean, and then giving your spouse a chance to respond. I hope I will be able to do that. :-)
Not sure the difference matters that much
Submitted by arwen on
Even though your reason is slightly different, I still think the same basic message can be used. Maybe you can't say that she's always telling you her brain is different from yours, so she should also realize that your brain is different from hers, like I said to my husband. But I think you can make the point independently that her brain and your brain don't work the same ways, so that neither of you can understand each other mental workings and can't expect the other partner to think/feel like one's self would.
As I see it, you are not merely asking her to give you consideration -- you are also asking her to suspend her beliefs about you. I don't know about you, but when people ask *me* to do that, I need to have a good reason why I should, and your wife may too. Talking about how your brains work differently may provide that reason.
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
I totally relate to this!!!
Submitted by suz23 on
I am so glad I found this forum! Suddenly I don't feel so alone. Hoping, I'm in the same boat you are with mu husband. It seems every argument, disagreement, "discussion" etc. first, is my fault because I'm "too controlling" and can't accept "who he is", and second, because he already knows what I think before I say it, according to him, and HE ACTUALLY HAS THE GALL TO ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT WHAT I THINK!!!!!!! I am at the end of my chain for the bazillionth time. He does have a diagnosis (as does my 11 year old son) and both are taking Vyvanse after trying several MPH versions and that seems to be going okay, but wow- the medicine does not fix everything by a long shot, does it?
So the biggie at my house, which is connected to some of the things you describe, is that my husband can't hold a job anymore because "that's just the way I am- I can't help it". What a load of crap!!! He bailed on yet another high-paying job over a year ago, and now, thank goodness, is going to graduate school (we'll see if he actually makes it through) to re-tool and has a new job starting in the fall. Of course, he's already getting his hackles up about the new job that it won't "be a good fit" for him (like any job really is a perfect fit for anyone), so I see the train coming again. In the meantime, he's justified his 1 year + unemployment with "it's best for the kids for one of us to be here all the time" and by saying that he's now taking care of all the household duties so I don't have to worry about any of that (thus the echo of what Hoping says about his wife expecting credit for everything she does while not giving him credit for anything). If I hear one more time, when I walk in from a long day at work into our pit of a house with papers everywhere, smelly garbage, piles of unfolded laundry, carpets that have not been vaccuumed since the last time I did it, and dinner not even started at 7pm (late when you have young kids), that he's busy all the time with keeping the house clean and doing "all the housework", I'm going to barf (of course I'll have to clean that up myself, because if I don't, it will sit there for months).
He's incredibly defensive about the housework and tells me I have no idea how hard it is to do all of what he (thinks) he's doing- that it's a "24/7 job". Before he quit his job(s) we had moved into a much larger house when our 2nd child was born, figuring we had 2 incomes at could support a larger mortgage payment (of course this is yet another source of stress and another way his ADD has screwed up my life since now I have to bust my rear to make more money to compensate since he refuses to sell the house- talk about the CRAZY TRAIN). Given that we were both working full time, we had a person who cleaned our house every two weeks, someone who cut the yard, and used a grocery delivery service. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, that maybe he was right, so when he left town for 4 days to help someone in his family (wow- what a wonderful, conflict-free 4 days for me and the kids!!), I took it upon myself to clean the house top to bottom, cut the yard, do the laundry and fold it, and go to the store and cook for the coming week. I was able to easily do all of these things in a weekday evening (after a full day of work) and most of one weekend day. It was just NOT THAT FREAKING HARD!!!!! The house was clean until he came back, at which point he accused me of trying to make him look bad because I'd cleaned the house. Sigh.
No matter what I do, I am the bad guy and the source of stress in his view, not him. How the hell did I not see this before I married him???
Another thing I find really maddening about my husband is that his view is "well, since I'm taking meds, this (whatever the irrational BS we're slogging through) has nothing to do with my ADD so it must be YOU". You know, when I got married, I hoped for a partner- someone who was kind and supportive, someone who was my intellectual equal, someone I knew I could count on to enrich my life, struggle respectfully through the hard times, and share life with me. I knew it would not be easy, but I had no idea I was marrying someone who is such a "taker". I honestly get nothing from him regarding emotional support (and now financial support) and have to give and give and give just to keep our marriage and family together. He's always telling me he wants me to be honest with him about what I think and feel, but if I did, we'd get a divorce- I'm the only one with a filter, so I sit there and take emotional and verbal punches without swinging so our marriage does not explode. I swear if we did not have kids I'd be out of here (after 20 years), but I *will* show my ADD son that marriages with ADD in them can work; I want to try to help him grow up to be less of an ass than his father. I am strong and can take it- I've gotten pretty good at taking time for myself and ignoring his griping about that- I am lonely and sad, but I am a grown-up.
He does tell me he loves me and that he would be lost without me- I think he does love me, but he is so very limited in what he's capable of and so very limited in what he can be for me as a partner. Sometimes I dream about what my life would be like if I was married to the kind of person I deserve- someone who is as responsibile as I am, someone who has excellent executive function and impluse control, someone who can think about others and balance their own needs with those of other people, someone who can enjoy silence without radio, television, or constant, pointless, chatter. I know that there would be problems in a marriage like that too, but maybe I wouldn't feel so alone in my own house.
The antidepressants do help- he has no idea how much I'm taking now, but it helps keep the crying jags down. It also, frankly, helps me stay. I will stay until my kids are out of the house- I will not make them pay for the poor choice I made in a husband. They need stability, and although they do feel the vibrations of Dad's impulsivity and temper and my kids and I talk together about it and about how important it is so accept things in people you love and to compromise to make things you value work, they don't see my depression and they (nor, of course, my oblivious husband) have no idea how lonely I am.
I am so glad that I do not have to be so lonely anymore and that you all are here. I've been reading a great book, "Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD?", which complements the Hallowell books I've read and makes me realize that this is NOT ALL ME. It's so sad to be mourning the marriage I hoped for, but I know someday, if things don't change, I'll be able to hopefully find a partner who gives support and compassion to me rather than just taking and taking and taking and then blaming me for not having more to give.
You are definitely not
Submitted by Asetamy on
You are definitely not alone! I am dealing with a similar situation and feel like you. Most of these posts make me feel like asking "hey are you in my head? Have you been spying on my life?" It's very hard to not get your needs met and I too dream of a PARTNER instead of a man who NEEDS me. I will not accept this as my life and if it means having to divorce in order to get my life back then so be it. Don't feel bad if you leave and if you stay more power to you.....
Hey suz, you are a brave
Submitted by joolsie59 on
Hey suz, you are a brave women. I wish you all the best because you deserve the best there is. My heart poors out to you. It all sounds so familiar to me but lucky for me I dont have children. I wanted children but found living with my husband was like having a house full of kids. I also am relieved I didnt bring a child into the world and let them bare the dissapointment he would have put upon them. He has 2 grown up children from a previous marriage and believe me he has been a lousy father. I have tried to guide him but end up with my head chewed off for interferring. I have felt very sorry for his kids ( which live far away) and they hardly have anything to do with him. I too are mourning the marriage I hoped for, which looks like is over. I love him and will miss his quirky ways but I know I cant take anymore. He too has given me nothing of himself emotionially or responsibilly and my how I wont miss that TV on 24/7 so loud you have to yell. Everynight for 12 years I have had to go to bed with the TV on in the bedroom. It is the only way he can go to sleep. Ofcourse it didnt matter that I would be still awake well after him. I would ask him to turn it off which he would do but not without making me feel like a totally unreasonable person. Ofcourse you can imagine how our sex life has been. I have to get over this marriage first but I hope oneday I will meet a partner that will love and care for me the way I think I deserve. At the moment its all very scary but I know I have the strength to get over it and move on. Its been over whelming for me to have discovered this blog. I look forward to all your stories and hope I can contribute as well.
Thank You.
Submitted by suz23 on
These comments are so helpful- I feel so sneaky being here- like I'm "cheating" in my marriage somehow, but the more years I deal with this (18 now married, 2 more prior to that), it's clear to me that I need a safe place to unload my sadness. I love my husband so much, but I don't like him most of the time- sounds weird, I know, but it's true. I try so hard to not rock the boat and we do have good times together and our kids bind us, but he's a total prick most of the time. I go to bat for the kids when he treats them badly and gets on them unfairly, but I'm constantly "taking one for the team" myself. Thanks, all for being here. There's a strange shame invovled in in all this for me- I "should" be able to be happy in all this- I'm lucky I'm not alone, I'm lucky he does not beat me, I'm luck y he does not run around with other women, but I am so sad and feel so isolated. It breaks my heart. As sad as I am that others feel the same way I do, I am so glad to learn I'm not alone in all this. I look forward to participating in the forum and helping to be constructive eventually- right now I'm just sort of unloading after YEARS of pushing all this down and feeling crappy about myself and weak. Soon I hope I'll be able to post without crying while I type...
You're not alone
Submitted by ceebee on
Syblet, you say that you "should" be happy but I really haven't come across many people here that deal with an ADD spouse and say they're happy. It is just soooo hard and draining to have them in your life. In my marriage of 30 yrs., I have often felt as if I'm in a play where my husband has the script, but I don't. The responses that I get for simple, everyday situations still make no sense to me even after all these years. I feel alone all the time in this marriage and have stopped trying to "pull" him in to participate. I can relate to your feeling bad about yourself and that somehow you should be able to be happy and just let everything flow off of you like water. I think we as ADD spouses feel a lot of guilt about our inability to help our spouses or to at least be happy through all the turmoil they create. I know I do. I have no answers for you, but know that I'm one of the people rowing in the same boat you're in. I cried too, the first time I read posts on this site. It was such a relief to find people here expressing my same thoughts and feelings. I wasn't alone anymore and my experiences with an ADD spouse were uncannily like those of others. Life didn't feel so "crazy" anymore. Now, I try to work out my own life and not be too concerned about what he does (or mostly doesn't) do. This only works now because our kids are grown and don't really expect much from him anymore. Sad but true.
Sad but true
Submitted by suz23 on
Thanks CeeBee. I remember thinking when we got the diagnosis that "Oh! That's it! Now everything will be better." At some level it is, of course, the meds help and I no longer think he's just a jerk who doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself, but it's certainly still a rough road. I am so glad this group is here- I do beleive that just having fellow "rowers" will help me be less toxic about all this- the build-up of resentment inside me is sort of surprising to me, but it feels good to have a safe place to let it out and learn about how others are dealing with the challenges in their lives. I also get your comment about not expecting much- I've just learned that what I wanted and expected in my spouse is usually beyond him. It's not an intentional thing on his part- it's just, as he says "who he is". He is a good man, but has this huge challenge that makes even the simplest things so difficult for all of us in the house. Any tips for dealing with all this when the kids are still in the house? Thanks again-
I feel so enlightened
Submitted by joolsie59 on
Two weeks ago my husband told me he wanted a seperation. We have been together for 12 years and married for 9. I am totally shattered because one, I still love him and 2, I cant understand his reasons for this seperation. He has been working away from home for about one year now and tells me he likes being by himself. My husbands son to his first wife is AD/HD. For some reason today I asked myself the question could my husband have the same dissorder. So I decided to research ADD and that is how I ended up here.
I cant believe what I have read today. It is like I wrote these stories my self. I also am so relieved to hear your stories because it almost confirms to me that my husband has this dissorder too. Surely it is no coincidence. There are too many details the same and the last 12 years of my life have been the hardest. I have never loved someone so much but been able to hate them so much at the same time. I have done all the chores, looked after all the finances have always felt like I am a mother to my husband. Also our sex life deteriated even before we were married. He certainly won me for his charm and dedicated love in the beginning but it wasnt long before it seemed all he did was take and never give. I have resented him for most of the 12 years we have spent together and many a time asked my self the question "how long can I put up with this for?" It feels unfair to me that he has left me when all I have done is accommodate his needs in life and forgotten mine. I have been exhausted and so confused as to why we have argued over such small details - like taking the rubbish out or feeding the dog etc. He spends money we dont have and then complains that we dont have any. I have always tried to save money so we could get ahead but always there is something he needs, which of course he gets and a month later its thrown into the shed and forgotten about. After reading all your stories Im not sure if I could ever have him back in the future if he decided he wanted to mend our marriage. I am exhausted and the thought of spending the rest of my life like this is frightning. Has anyone any ideas how I could get him to see a doctor and be examined for this dissorder. I am almost definite he will laugh in my face if I suggest he be tested.
Marriage should be more than,
Submitted by Asetamy on
Marriage should be more than, well he doesn't beat me or cheat on me! I feel sad that this is they way many non-ADHD/ADD spouses feel. We have a right to be happy too! Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where there is a balance of work and love. Whether someone has ADHD or ADD, they are still capable of creating a balance. It may be harder for them to do some things but truly, it is up to them to get medicinally treated and be involved in therapy. It is not unlike someone who is born with diabetes or some other health issue, it is up to them to take care of themelves, they can't eat sugar and have a poor diet and then blame everyone else that their health is comprimised. I feel sad that my husband was born with this but he was and now its time to deal with it. Especially with children in the house, there needs to be way to address these issues or the children will think this is an ok way to be (not helping out and raging, primarily) or they will become resentful that they have to follow the "rules" while dad (or mom) lives freely without responsibility or consequences for inappropriate behaviors. I have no answers, as I am dealing with the same things but I do know that ADHD or not these people need to be held accountable for their actions as all people are. If their disorder is so debilitating that life is impossible for them, then a lot of new research needs to be done and new guidlines need to be outlined. As far as I can tell, this is not the case as I have read posts on here from people who have addressed their issues and are living somewhat peacefully. I am sorry that you are going through this, at least you have found this site for support no matter what you do. I know I am glad too, because before I read this blog I started to feel like I was an uncompassionate mean person. I now know that this is not true an that my frustrations are very real and very much like others who are married to someone with this disorder!