I love him but I feel helpless and hopeless

My husband and I have been together for 6 years.  We got married last June.  Hes 26 and I’m 25.  He was diagnosed with ADHD before we met.  He told me about it in the beginning but I never really thought anything of it.  I thought it was just that he couldn’t hold still and always had to have the t.v. on, etc.  I had no idea how much it impacted his life nor did I ever look into what it really was.  Last December he asked me for a divorce.  We had been fighting pretty heavily for the previous two months.   It started after he mentioned to me that he was considering going on medication for his ADHD after receiving a job promotion.  He thought it would help him concentrate better.  I told him if it made him feel better he should do it.  And we didn’t talk about it again.  At some point later I was so frustrated and exhausted I just started google-ing things.  I started with communication problems, etc.  Somehow I found this website.  I was dumbfounded to say the least.  Every problem we had ever had, that I couldn’t even explain myself, was written out so clearly.  I was so relieved.  I completely understood all of the things I was going to have to do and my part in it and how wrong and hurtful my actions had been.  But I was just relieved to finally know what was going on.  The next day I sat him down and told him how sorry I was for my actions, for getting so upset with him when he repeatedly told me he didn’t know.  That I finally understood and that I had much to work on.  He told me thank you.  He said “My whole life, no one has ever tried to understand.  Thank you so much.”   It was about a week later he asked me for a divorce.  After that night he started pulling away and just kept getting angrier and angrier towards me.  I truly had no idea what was going.  Then he just came home from work and said I want a divorce.  He said every night he didn’t want to come home because he was so unhappy, that it wasn’t even worth fighting for, that he just didn’t want to do it anymore.  It truly came out of no where.  We had been married barely 6 months and he was not willing to do anything to even try to fix it.  All he would say to me is you deserve better and I can’t give you what you want.  After 3 days of the repeated answer he told me that one of us had to leave and he had no where to go.  So I packed my things and moved in with my parents.  My family and friends were convinced he was having an affair.  To them there was just no other explanation.  I just knew it wasn’t the truth.  I knew he was freaking out.  I knew he saw the huge amount of work that needed to be done and instead of moving towards me he ran away from it.   But then things just kept getting worse and worse.  He was extremely disrespectful and hurtful towards me.  (Two very simple examples of his daily behavior:  my sister and cousin and I went out to eat and we ended up seeing him out, the next day he locked me out of the house that I pay the mortgage for and his reasoning for being so angry at me was, “you looked so hot.” Or after nights of my mom telling me from across the room that he was on my Facebook account I changed my password, so his response was to lock me out of our mutual bank account that my check is deposited in, etc.)   I tried to support him and put my own hurt and anger aside because I knew how lost he was.  But after months of his immature and cowardly behavior I decided that this is my reality, this is what he really wants, and I need to accept that and move forward the best way I can.  So I did.  I ended up talking to another guy randomly through text messages and a few phone calls.  He was not someone that was in my life or that I knew at all.  It was nothing other than meaningless attention.  I knew I wasn’t ready to move on nor was I ready for any type of relationship.  My self esteem had taken a serious blow and I wasn’t convinced that there “was life after divorce.” So I figured what could it hurt?  I never went out with him nor even met up with him face to face.  He also knew that I was going through a divorce, it was one of the first things I told him.   One night while at our house my husband stole my phone and locked himself in the bathroom and looked through my entire phone.  To say he freaked out is an understatement.  A few days later he told me he never wanted a divorce and that he really wanted to work it out.  That he never meant any of those things he said and that he just freaked out.  I was extremely apprehensive at first and obviously annoyed that it took him believing someone else was interested in me to change his mind.  But I truly love this man and believe that we can have something great.  He asked me about the guy and the text messages and the information that I provided was much less than the truth.  He ended up pulling my phone records, he hacked all of my email, social media, etc. accounts (while making up extravagant stories about how he got all the information) and proved to me that I was lying in many more ways than I truly was.  I immediately admitted to the lies I did tell and apologized profusely.  I in no way meant to be hurtful or malicious by not providing exact information.  In my head it was just more about wanting to concentrate on all of the issues between us and not wanting to cause him pain by talking about another guy.  And I’m not trying to use anything as an excuse, I know that I should have been truthful with him and I am sorry, but his reaction just doesn’t make sense to me.  I never went out with the guy.  Nothing ever happened.  It was text messages.  And because I said there were 6 when there were really 15 this is his response?  When he was the one who repeatedly told me he wanted a divorce?  He is absolutely irate with me. Its been three weeks now.  And every day he digs up something else that is absolutely nothing and tries to make something of it and “catch me in another lie” when there really isn’t anything there.  Once he has something stuck in his head there is no getting past it either.  And everything I say is just a lie.   I so badly want to start working on us, on our problems.  But I feel so many things that are in complete contradiction I have no idea what I’m doing anymore.  I love him and I want to make this work.  But I’m scared to death thats just not enough anymore.  I feel like I am an understanding and forgiving person.  I am willing to accept all of this pain and suffering into my life.  I see what we have to do and I’m right here saying okay lets push this boulder up this mountain.  I am willing to attack my anger and pain for him leaving me and I’m willing to forgive all this, lets just do it.  He says he will do anything to fix this.  He has purchased books and he told me he has calls into multiple therapists/coaches/etc for us to get help.  (Yet, I really don’t know why it has taken 3 weeks and he still doesn’t have an appointment…)   But regardless of all that, every single day hes just pissed at me.  And he is so incredibly mean and hurtful when he is mad.  I feel like right now I need so much from him to come back to this.  I need to see that this IS what he wants and that he does want to move forward and instead I see him screaming at me.  His anger is worse now than its ever been and it just feels like instead of working on anything we just keep adding more to the pile.  And it doesn’t matter what I do, if I’m calm cool and collective, hes mad, if I’m crying, hes mad, if I’m silent, hes mad, if I say I’m going to stay till you calm down, hes mad, if I say I’m going to leave and we will talk about it later, hes even more mad.   I feel stuck in the middle with no where to go.  My family has absolutely no idea why I’m even trying to fix it after what he did.  And if I try to talk to anyone about what is currently going on they look at me like I have serious issues for even considering putting up with it.  He is a good man.  He is an amazing guy and I love him with all of my heart.  And when I said in sickness and in health till death do us part, I meant it.   I just know how bad inside he is right now.  I know how much he hurts and how much he is punishing himself and that is worse than anything else could be.  I know he is having horrible self-esteem issues and he has no idea how to control, process, or even recognize all of these feelings he is having.  I get it and I understand and I want to help but I don’t know what to do.  And now I don’t even know if there is anything I can do.  I can’t decide if its better to stay and just keep pushing through this hoping and praying for some very soon breakthroughs or if I need to get out.  If there just isn’t anything I can do anymore.  And staying is more damaging than leaving.  I feel like everything he does I’m ready to forgive it because its just a symptom of ADHD and thats what I have to do to get through this. And then I think, I really need to stop making excuses for him, this isn’t okay, this is crazy.  And I go back and forth every minute of every day.  I feel helpless and hopeless.

Your last part is right...you

Your last part is right...you do need to stop making excuses for him.

He asked you for a divorce. Regardless of what you did after you left, after he made you leave, he asked you for a divorce and essentially has to accept the consequences of his actions. Just because he has ADHD doesn't mean that he gets a free ride in that department. We all have consequences for our actions and although apologizing for what you did is respectable, you cannot let him off of the hook completely. "You asked me to leave, you told me you wanted a divorce. I thought our marriage was over. I am sorry if it hurts you, but I gave you what you asked for. If you feel differently now, we can talk about that and work on it. I have apologized, now let's move on". You're taking far too much 'blame' for something that (by your own account) was nothing and was done after you were asked to leave by him. Honestly, at the point where he found out, he didn't really have much of a right to ask you anything, so if you avoided being 100% honest with him to avoid what you're now dealing with, who can blame you? If he won't take the focus off of your 'grave injustice' and put it where it needs to be ... his asking you for a divorce 6 months into the marriage ... then I would refuse to have another conversation with him outside of a professional counseling session.

Ask yourself this...if he hadn't found the text messages would you still be getting ready to go through with a divorce? Is his recent desire to want to stay married just a knee jerk reaction to the reality that you WOULD find "life after divorce"?  Why was he looking in the first place? Why are you so certain that he isn't cheating? At almost exactly the 6 month mark into my marriage my husband "freaked out" on me too. I was 3 months pregnant with our daughter. Almost overnight, after a fight we had, he decided he didn't want to be married anymore. He was cheating. I am not telling you that he is, but I am asking you to please proceed with caution. You are at a point where you can either set some straight forward boundaries for yourself (ensuring a much happier future if you stay together) or you can give yourself up completely to him and his tantrum that he's having and end up apologizing and comforting him (even when you shouldn't be) for the rest of your life.

He has ADHD, he isn't brain dead or incapable of thinking and knowing what he's doing. Yes, his behaviors are very much like someone with ADHD (indecisive, impulsive, overly-jealous b/c of low self-esteem) but unless he's willing to get help and work on himself, you're in for more of the same if you stay with him.

Please take care of yourself and keep us posted! (((HUGS)))

I hate it when people say

I hate it when people say things, then say they didn't mean it. ADDers seem prone to doing that. It's really hard to take back ugly things that have hurt the other person, and your husband needs to understand that.

I think you need to stay away from him for a while. He has a lot of work to do on himself before the two of you can do any work together. He needs to decide what he wants. I would not be living with him or spending much time with him right now. Let him know that you will be there when he's ready to make your marriage better; he isn't ready yet. I also agree with Sherrie, wondering about him be so upset about you emailing with another man...too often that leads back to something he himself shouldn't have been doing.