I Love My Wife

I am a 59 year old man, My spouse of 15 years has ADD. I love my wife. She is intelligent, creative, hard working, has a great sense of humor and is very attractive. We met 17 years ago. She has 2 children; a 31 year old daughter who is happily married and lives with her husband in Atlanta and a 23 year old son, who also has ADD and is currently living with us.  When we married, my wife who was previously married had been divorced for about 3 years.  She was working on a Master's degree in technical writing, getting straight A's while working at a paid internship as a technical writer at a small software company.  When we married I was 43 years old (I am not previously married) and she was 41. At the time, both of us had the same expectations:  that we would not have children of our own and that both of us would work while raising her children. The children's father was involved in their lives and although he earned a very good living, was remarried and had 2 children in his second marriage, he and his wife were substance abusers and there was usually some level drama or turmoil due to their behavior. Sadly, he ended up committing suicide 5 years ago.  His wife eventually ended up in jail for almost 2 years.  Shortly before we were married, my wife quit her internship job and started with another company as a technical writer.  This was a very difficult company to work for so we agreed that it would be best for her to quit that job.  Another piece of the puzzle is that before marrying, my wife told me that she had accumulated an $8,000.00 debt which I chose to pay off. Also, before we married, my wife took her comps for her MA and needed to write a thesis. She has never done this. This was the second MA degree that she had pursued, almost finished and ended up abandoning. Ten months after we were married, she started teaching English at a local private school.  There were challenges there.  She taught the first semester then quit.  During our marriage, she has had 3 or 4 part time jobs, 2 of the involved writing, none of them have lasted long. Shortly after she stopped teaching, she expressed her desire to write and publish murder mysteries.  I knew before we married, this had always been her dream.We were receiving child support at the time and were getting by financially (she manages our money and we have had very high credit card debt a number of times throughout the years) so I encouraged her to "go for it". She is an excellent writer and I wanted her to have the chance to pursue her dream. About 2 years ago she "finished" her book ( one book, and she was not working outside of the house most of the time she was writing it) The project took her 11 years. To this day, not much had been done to have it published and whenever she starts to pursue the possibility of trying to get it published she spends time "tweaking" the book and never goes any further.  About 9 years ago, she discovered she has ADD. She is an expert on the subject. Still, many things go in circles and nothing gets completed. Over the years I have expressed my frustration. I will admit, and have admitted to her, that I have said some hurtful things. Where that has landed me is that I have been labeled as "Abusive". I don't know what to do.  I love my wife. She has concluded that "I have a problem" consequently, she does little introspection.  I will be 60 years old in January. My 23 year old stepson whom I have been very involved in his life, and I know to be a fine young man that suffered a lot after his father's death,  just starting to get back on his feet ( trying to finish a BA) also struggles with  ADD but denies he has it.  I am financially supporting both of them and not saving for retirement. I am beyond frustration...

At the end of your post you

At the end of your post you say you are beyond frustration, but I'm actually amazed at how calm and together you sound. It seems you are doing remarkably well, and I for one think you are handling everything you described with a lot of grace and skill. I understand feeling guilty about saying some hurtful things, as I've been feeling that lately as well. But everyone says things they regret from time to time, and when you've been dealing with frustrating life circumstances for a long time, it's easy to snap now and then. I hope some of the long time spouses here can provide more guidance and support than I can, but I just wanted to respond and let you know I read your post and hope you are doing well.