I miss my wife...

She's only moved into the next room, but I miss her like she's on the other side of the world.

 

Pb.

then tell her how you feel...

just be honest and tell her how much you miss her...I am sure that she feels the same to some point...

lovehurts...

Pbartender's picture

Irrational fear...

I know, but...

She has traditionally responded badly to "drama" or anything "clingy"...

I worry that what she hears won't be the same as what I'm feeling...

I'm scared that I'll make things worse, despite my best intentions...

I'm afraid that I'll end up pushing her farther away by trying to get too close, too fast.

 

Pb.

Don't be scared,

I understand how you feel,don't be scared,if you start showing fear that too could push her further and further away.I am not saying to push to fast either,just gradually with and in time let her know how much you love/miss her..b/c if you don't do that,that moment could just pass you by and you could end up doing it when it would be too late..She is I am sure,missing you too..In relationships people just don't stop loving each other just so,it takes so mush and more to end up not loving that person..I read when you stated that she has so much resentment and build up anger towards you,then I would say that is maybe why she is feeling this way now,,gave her something to trust you again,,like maybe your truthful word that things would get better and then make them come to pass with truthfulness.....I think that if she is JUST over to the next bedroom, does not mean that she does not love you...gave her some time and I am sure she would come around..Don't have fear of letting her know how you truly feel,or regrets if things does not work out..give it your best shot and then in the end if it does not work out then you know deep down in your heart that you have tried your best.

Sounds like you love her a great deal,,,that is so good,,,that is all you need for a great success of getting back her heart..the rest will fall in to place..

from:lovehurts...

Pbartender's picture

Love is all you need?

"I think that if she is JUST over to the next bedroom, does not mean that she does not love you..."

To be clear...  she's moved to another bedroom, because she can't afford to move out all the way.  She's still wishfully looking at apartments.

"Sounds like you love her a great deal,,,that is so good,,,that is all you need for a great success of getting back her heart..the rest will fall in to place.."

Yeah it makes great song lyrics for the Beatles, but if that was really all I needed, i wouldn't have lost her heart in the first place.

Sorry.  Feeling really down about this right now.

 

Pb.

Oh PB

Are you on a medication regime?

The perspectives of the non ADHD'r and the ADHD'r are so different.  She is still there right?  She could have gone to a friends house and not be there at all.  I am the non ADHD'r in my relationship and it's my guess that inside her heart she wants it to work.  That's how I read it anyway.  My guess is that she will be looking for any glimmer of hope, of change during the time she stays in the other room.  That's me though.

My hope is that she moved into the other room to help you realize what she needs.  If she feels that she is not cared for, not listened to, maybe she feels she needs to go to greater lengths than she normally would to be reassured and heard.  I don't know if that is the case, I hope so.  There is always hope.  She has been with you this long.  Love is not a cure all, but without it, why bother?

It breaks my heart to see you going through this.  You obviously love her a great deal.  My guess is that she loves you right back.  I don't think you have lost her heart PB.  I think her heart is crying out for you the only way it knows how.

Pbartender's picture

Mixed Signals...

"Are you on a medication regime?"

Yes...  Started on the lowest dose of Concerta and I just talked to my doc about bumping it up this week, when I renew my prescription.  Also, I got some good advice and tips for doing just what you suggest.

I hear you about the rest...  That's all my hope as well.  But keep getting confusing, mixed signals from her.  For example: One moment, she'll be talking about plan for home improvements or repairs for next year.  The next, I find her searching online for apartment rentals.  I know that probably reflects the confusion of her own emotions right now, but good heavens does it make things tricky.

I'm just beginning to build up steam with the meds and coaching and treatments in general, and want to keep up that momentum...  But it times like this that really suck away the confidence.

 

Pb.

mixed signals

PB,  You may be getting mixed signals and feeling confused, but here is my take. The fact that she IS talking about future plans IS a very good sign, even if she is confused and looking at appts. She is at least thinking you may still be together in the future. I see that as a huge positive.     My H was just talking the other night about improvements in the future, and I can't even discuss it, because I can't see US in the future. I can barley see month to month into the future....I only just paid for our vacation next month because I was thinking we would not be together in a month.  So if your wife is still discussing long term plans, I see that as hopeful.

I understand her mixed signals PB

As the non ADHD partner, I understand the mixed signals she is sending you. 

I have done that to my partner as well.... the thing is tho, at least in my case, is that to me, I was not sending mixed signals.  There was always a trigger that made me, or makes me vacillate.  Something she may have said that was not heard, something she wanted that was forgotten.  The "You don't really care" beast may be rearing it's head in her mind.  When we, the non ADHD partners are at the point of almost no return, you are right it gets very tricky.  That beast is ever present.  I am currently working on my "beast".  Telling it to shut up, looking at my guy, and remembering the anguish this condition is putting him through as well. 

I honestly believe in my heart she wants it to work.  She may be at the point where she can't take it anymore.  She may be focusing on the things that have hurt her, the things she longs for.  I was there too.  I go back to that head space occasionally.  It's not a fun place for her either. 

Please know PB, you are a good man, a man with ADHD, a man addressing the problems ADHD presents.  Your spouse may be tired right now, I expect she cries more than you know.  My hope is that she can maybe step back and look at your relationship and the good things that you have brought her.  This may sound weird to say, but even the good things ADHD may have brought to the relationship.  Example, the fun impulsive side, I bet if she asked you to clean the bathroom, it would probably the cleanest it's ever been. 

My hope is that you remain present in yourself, you continue with the momentum.  All we get in this life is "THIS MOMENT".  No past, no future.  Life is "THIS MOMENT".  We all get tied up in what could be or what could have been.... what does it matter?  What matters is this moment.  That's all we get.  That is enough in my opinion.  My hope is that she focuses on "THIS MOMENT" each minute of everyday.  No sorrow for what could have been or what could be because it does not exist. 

PB, I am sending a heart felt hug to you.  I think I know where her mind is right now.  I would love to talk with her.

Sherry

Pbartender's picture

Beasties...

"There was always a trigger that made me, or makes me vacillate.  Something she may have said that was not heard, something she wanted that was forgotten.  The "You don't really care" beast may be rearing it's head in her mind.  When we, the non ADHD partners are at the point of almost no return, you are right it gets very tricky.  That beast is ever present.  I am currently working on my "beast".  Telling it to shut up, looking at my guy, and remembering the anguish this condition is putting him through as well."

I can grok that...  It's not so different from the ADHD "Charlie Brown" beast.  The one that reminds us that there's no use even trying because we never get it right anyway.

I've been having to tell that one to shut up a lot lately, too.

 

Pb.

Your assignment...

Pb, if she moved out of the bedroom, that would seem to me that she is sending a very clear message that says she doesn't want sex with you, for some reason that you haven't yet grasped. Your assignment, if you want a relationship with her, is to make her feel like you love her just as much, with or without sex.

My man was regularly dishonest with me, watched porn, and didn't make me feel valued except in the bedroom. Yet he wanted me to bypass the distrust he had generated and show my "love" for him anyway in bed. He made it clear, maybe without meaning to, that he would never tolerate a sexless marriage. However, he never realized that my need for trust and reliability were vital in allowing him to literally come into my being sexually.

Sorry if this is crude, but having sex with your wife when she doesn't feel close to you probably doesn't feel like love to her. It feels more like a man using a woman to get his rocks off, and the woman can feel used rather than loved.

Our society has somehow convinced everyone that sex (especially in marriage) is a man's right unquestionably. But if you are not making her feel valued in the kitchen, in the living room, in the car, and wherever else you spend time together, you can kiss the bedroom goodbye.

 

Pbartender's picture

The least of what I miss...

Now, I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the sex, but...  It's only a very small part of what I'm missing about her, and is, in all honesty, probably the least part.

I had been thinking of the person I used to be back in college when we were still dating, the sort of person she used to be, and the way our relationship used to be, before the stresses of marriage, kids, work and such caused my ADD to start poking its head out.  I was thinking about how my symptoms and our mutual reactions to them had changed us both into people we weren't really and that neither us really liked.  I've become a person I wasn't meant to be, and so has she.

That's what I mean by "I miss her"...  I miss myself, as well, and I miss the way we used to be together.  I know things can't ever go back to exactly the way they were, but I'd like to think there's a way to get back to being happy with ourselves, happy with each other and happy with our relationship, without the need to end the marriage.

That said, I do understand what you're getting at.  There's nothing crude about it.  It's all part of being married, and we should be able to talk about it without getting embarrassed.

Without going into details, this...

"Sorry if this is crude, but having sex with your wife when she doesn't feel close to you probably doesn't feel like love to her. It feels more like a man using a woman to get his rocks off, and the woman can feel used rather than loved."

...is concisely one thing I did very wrong over the last few years, without realizing it (if fact, at times, circumstances, her reactions, and my ADD-induced misunderstanding had me mistakenly thinking I was doing what she wanted) and one of many small things that snowballed into the big problem we have now.

At any rate, this...

"Your assignment, if you want a relationship with her, is to make her feel like you love her just as much"

Is exactly one of the main things my coach and I talked about during my last session.  Her primary suggestion was to spend time doing things together with her, just the two of us -- no kids, no other friends -- and not as a "date", but just as friends hanging out together.  I've had only limited success with it just yet, but it's still early.

 

Pb.

Hey PB,  I feel the heart

Hey PB,  I feel the heart ache in your post.  Just tell her ' I miss you", don't be dramatic, don't pressure her into responding, do nice things for her, doesn't have to be anything grand, she may not miss you Yet if she is still feeling resentful, doesn't mean she wont miss you or what you once had eventually.  I've read your other posts, its clear you love you wife and you are Trying to better yourself, thats awesome. It may take a while for her to come around, I know that is hard for you but hang in there.   It may take a month, it may take 6 months for her to see that you have changed and to trust you again to let you in her heart.   How long would it take for you to come around if the roles were reversed ? 

 

hey PB, I was just in the

hey PB, I was just in the shower contemplating my own question...how long would it take to come around....and I feel as if it would take some life altering event to make me love my H again.  have you done anything 'unforgivable' in your wife's eyes ? and cheating isn't the only unforgivable thing...  or is the separation from years of little stuff / not that years of little stuff doesn't amount to some big thing.

10 yrs ago i was in the hospital after surgery for 5 days, my H visited my once, I came home to a house in completely disarray. 3 or 4 years ago I was ready to divorce my H.  My 8 yr old son had cancer and major surgery (he is fully recovered), a few months after his surgery my H almost died from a heart attack (it was a really hard year)...i secretly wished he would not pull thru, yes I know how horrible that is, but it would have meant the end of a life of hell with him. Something miraculous happened, HE was a different person afterward, took care of himself, had a new perspective on life, I saw how he was changing and started to love him again, we had fun, had sex again, things were almost what they had been in our early years...it was great for 6 months...then he started slipping and within a year from the heart attack he was back to all his bad habits and bad mood.  Another 6 months i was ready to divorce him again, I threatened him to change or get out, he started seeing a Dr started different meds for ADHD, again for a few months he was a different person, the ice around my heart was melting again, again we started living the life i wanted...again after only 4 months he let it all slip thru his hands...one day a year ago he drove drunk with the kids and I in the car (i did not know he was drunk until a few minutes into the drive or i NEVER would have got into the car with my kids). he then started a game of chicken with another car, we were screaming at each other, my son was crying, it was a nightmare, and an event I have not gotten over. It was the straw that broke my back.  That event changed everything, i don't know what it would take for me to trust him again.... how many times can I let my guard down and love him just for him to piss it all away again...I can't.  i would be happy to live as polite roommates now, but even the polite part is hard.

What was the point of telling you that, I don't know, but I somehow feel its relevant ....how many times has she let the ice melt and you disappoint her ? How many times have you done something that she will never forget or forgive ?   None ???  A few times ?? Apologize..sincerely.   My H never has said he was sorry for letting me down, I don't know IF he has any deep emotion, everything seems so shallow. I don't know if he thinks he did anything wrong, shows no remorse, never apologizes for anything.    I may be sleeping int he other room too, but I am also a world away.

Pbartender's picture

The Snowball...

When we spoke about it after she moved to the other bedroom, it sounded more like the years and years of lots of little stuff (and a very few slightly bigger things -- but certainly nothing as big as a drunk game of chicken with my family in the car!) building up into something that was eventually too big to bear.  In her own words, regarding my absent-mindedness and such, "I've been dealing with it for years.  I don't want to deal with it anymore."  It was that statement, and my own realization that I didn't want to deal with it anymore, either, that lead to me getting diagnosed.

"....how many times has she let the ice melt and you disappoint her ?"

Too many, for certain, otherwise we wouldn't be where we are, would we?  That's the tough thing about being undiagnosed...

For all those years, I would make mistakes, I would sincerely apologize.  I would promise to do better.  And I would.  Things would be good for a while, and then somehow, despite  my best intentions and thinking I was doing everything right all the while, I would end making a mistake again...  Sometimes the very same one.  I could never quite understand how or why it happened.  I would sincerely apologize again, and it would all start over.  After so many apologies, even the sincerest will sound hollow.  I can say sorry again and it would have all my heart behind it, but I'm not sure it would sound any different to her right now.

I've always loved her.  She makes me want to be a better person.  My mistakes, my failures, have never happened because of a lack of trying.   But I can certainly see how 14 years years of trying and failing would make her think that things might never get better...  The record backs that up, to be certain.

The only difference now is that I know the what and how and why behind the problem.  I understand what she's feeling and why, but I also wish she could see the difference that cause of the problem makes...  How it makes real change possible.  How this time it CAN be different, if I'm putting the effort into it, and she's willing to give me the chance.

 

Pb.

I've always loved her.  She

I've always loved her.  She makes me want to be a better person.

What I would give to hear that comment...or would have given..   keep putting in the effort she may see the difference and may let you into her heart again. I know its hard to do that not knowing if it will make a difference to her or not...but I know if my husband said he WAS going to change it would take proof and time to let him in again. I've been hurt too many times.  I still think the fact that she talks about things in the future is promising that there is still some small part of her that cares buried under the resentment.

Sorry This Happened

Even sorrier my advice will probably be tough.

My husband's entire lack of ability to recognize the effect of his own behavior coupled with the lack of patience that affects the ability to stick it out without instant results adds to this problem in our lives.

So, the tough part, I suggest you get appropriate add therapy. It may not be just your run of the mill marriage counselor. That actually made our situation so much worse I regret it to this day. Nice guy, but not appropriate in any way to what goes on in a marriage affected by add. Get a counselor that understands add.

Also involve your wife in the treatment plan. I can't say that enough. I was extremely hopeful once my husband began treatment, but my hopes were dashed once he decided he 'had this,' n decided to excluded me. Everything thereafter was disastrous in terms of our marriage.

She needs to see results.

What she is saying her needs are actually needs to be met. If you're misunderstanding them, it needs to be clarified. That is super important in a marriage.

Not realizing a spouse is number one in your life is a giant marriage killer. My husband has done that from day one n it tears the foundation down.

 

 

Pbartender's picture

Not THAT tough...

"So, the tough part, I suggest you get appropriate add therapy."

Already there...  I'm on meds, and I've got a therapist/coach specialized in both adult ADHD and marriage counseling.  It's early -- I was only diagnosed a month ago -- but treatment and willingness on my part (or at least I'd like to think so) isn't a problem.

"Also involve your wife in the treatment plan. I can't say that enough."

Nothing would please me more...  But right now, at least, she starts getting really uncomfortable -- distant, even -- if I try to discuss anything about it with her.  It's part of the reason I'm feeling lonely, and missing her. 

 

Pb.

Be Patient. I'm sure that is

Be Patient. I'm sure that is very hard when you want things different NOW. If you have improved and slipped before she may very well be thinking this is just temporary and not letting her guard down. Prove to her you are changing and keep working at it.  One month isn't very long for her to trust in the relationship again, I'm sure to you it feels like forever. Don't give up ! That would only prove to her that you wont/can't change. Maybe eventually she will attend your therapy sessions with you. Tell her it would really help you if she went but don't pressure her. If she doesn't want to go it wont be productive if you force her.  Hang in there PB. Its great to see how much you care and want your wife back.

Patience...

Patience is Not one of my virtues, but I agree with Funnyfarm (Love the name), but it is exactly what you need to have right now. It sounds like you are doing everything right at the moment, so keep up the therapy and coaching and tweaking the meds. Perception is a Bi+ch and it will take a long time for your new reactions/behaviors to replace the old Well Entrenched reactions/behaviors. My DW did not want to hear about ADD, does not want to hear about it now and does not believe it affected our marriage. This made it difficult, but also forced me to work on what "I" knew were issues and hope that she would just eventually notice improvement in my behaviors. The wait is tough, see my "Many" Rants over the last couple of years ;)

Hang in there PB