So... I haven't been to this site in a few days with any regularity.  In my absence... it seems that a few of my compatriots have nearly brought old fashioned lynching justice to their spouses.  I on the other hand, curled in a ball and wanted to die.  But... as luck would have it... I got a chance to play the revenge card instead.  It cost me a ten minute sexcapade with my frigid wife... (big frickin whoop) but it was soooooooo worth it... Okay... let me paint the picture and tell you where it all began...

So, I am sitting at the dining room table, working on my book.  Trying to anyway.  My son is popping molars.  This seems to make him think that he is a dinosaur or something, because he runs around roaring like his obnoxious dragon toy, and... well... you'll see... please, read on:

I am organizing information on characters and overall plot arc, when I see him bippidy bobbity boo his way under the table.  I anticipate seeing him run out the other side, but as I am tracing his trajectory towards where he -should- come out on the other side, I suddenly feel his tiny little claws dig into my leg and his fangs protract before sinking deep into my knee.  I jump in my seat, my knee involuntarily pulling away from his blender of teeth and slams right into the bottom of the table.  The resounding crack set our dog to barking because it sounded like a door knock. 

My wife finally wakes up. 

(Sidebar:  I generally wake up at 6:00 am with the baby.  I take care of the baby all day, whether she is home or at work.  For those of you who have a toddler or have had one... you know that there is no rest.  No relaxation.  Scroll up.  I started this post 53 minutes ago.  I keep having to stop to deal with him.  He wants up in the lap.  He wants to kick and wiggle in my lap.  He wants to get down.  He wants to play.  He doesn't want to play.  Etc etc.  Anyway... so that's my day.  When he takes his nap, I use that time to squeeze in a quick love making session with myself cause God knows no one else is gonna do it and again, as you parents know... tension must be released or kids get left in bathtubs.  As soon as that is finished, I do the dishes, pick up his toys, put my wife's shoes away, wash laundry, dry laundry, fold laundry, put laundry away (including my wife's if I don't want the stack to sit at the foot of the bed for a week.  I light a couple scented candles to get something other than the smell of dog to permeate through the house.  I walk the dog, feed the dog, give him water, clean off all of the horizontal surfaces in the house that were clean yesterday but are now covered in my wife's random chaos, and try to make myself something to eat if I have time.  This is also assuming that my wife doesn't call to chitchat through her entire lunch break about absolutely NOTHING.  My wife comes home, sits on the couch, somehow still makes a mess throughout the entire house.  Argues about something, then passes out o n the couch and bitches if I wake her up to come to bed or if I leave her out there.  Our Television is right next to the computer in our living room due to a simple lack of space.  She has the television on as soon as she comes home and it stays on until well after she falls asleep on the couch.  I put my son to bed for the night, which to her credit, she demands to be there for, and then she passes out on the couch again.  I go around and pick up after her, walk the dog again, and finally sit down to work on my book with some peace and quiet, which generally lasts for about an hour... then I wake her up, listen to her bitch that I am impatient, despite the fact that I had spent the last fifteen minutes trying to gently wake her up to no avail.  But I can't just wake her up and tell her to come to bed... Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.  I have to stand around and HELP HER UP!  Because apparently she can't get her fat ass up off the couch on her own.  I finally make it to bed and she flops on her side and wants me to scratch her back until she goes to sleep, this is of course, after she has put in a movie or DVD to fall asleep to... which she KNOWS keeps me up.  So I end up laying there until the disk is over and then I get up, turn it off, turn off the TV so the screen doesn't burn and the DVD player doesn't overheat, and then I finally go to bed.  The baby has been waking up lately, so I get up and I deal with that, then go back to bed where hopefully I don't wake up the beast on the other side.  Then I wake up at around 6:00 am the next day and do it all over again.  Back story complete... back to current:)

She stumbles out, complaining that she didn't get any sleep and bitches about that for a while.  I calmly massage my knee and remain compassionate.  "Oh?  I'm sorry." 
I don't even tell her that the baby woke up that night.  What's the point.  I'm running on three hours sleep.  She spent four hours curled up on the couch asleep last night, went to bed and slept for another eleven hours.  But yeah... what do I know, right?

She plays with the kid for a few minutes, then opens the cabinet.  Then the pantry.  Then the fridge.  Then the freezer.  Fridge again.  Freezer again.  "I want pizza rolls." 

"Oh?  I'm sorry."  I answer, flipping through my paperwork while poking the baby in the nose which for some reason has him spinning and circles and happy as can be.  Then he stops and suddenly sprints to the cupboards which do not open all the way thanks to the child locks... but let me tell you... he can still make noise.  And how!

"I think I am going to call (our roommate) and ask him if I can have some of his pizza rolls in the freezer."  She states idly. 

I put down my papers and take a deep breath, "You are going to call our friend and interrupt his time with his girlfriend to ask him if you can eat the only food that he has in the house right now?" 

"Well I wouldn't have to if you would let me buy some."  She snaps, but with a forced smile that will make a perfect excuse later so that she can say 'Oh I was kidding.' if the conversation goes south. 

"I did.  You bought a family size bag and ate the whole thing last night.  Remember?"  I answer calmly and smoothly, "And I would be able to let you run to the store and get some more, but unfortunately, you also wanted a cantaloupe, your expensive coffee creamer, pears and a your expensive turkey because the cheap stuff 'gives you headaches' or whatever.  None of which was budgeted into our grocery list."  I let my eyes narrow just a bit, "Remember?"   

"Oh I was kidding."  She says with a chuckle and scoff. 

"Would you like me to make you something?"  I ask with a tone that suggests that if she says yes, I will chop her up and feed her to the dog... you know... that Hannibal Lector style calm?  Yeah I had that. 

Usually she would jump at the chance to go back to sitting on her flat ass.  (Yes I said flat.  Yes, I know it's weird.)  But this time she cooks herself some scrambled eggs.  Doesn't offer me any of course. 

Our son is sitting on the floor playing by himself, but I see him give a sigh that says he's heading towards boredom, so I creep down onto the floor and sneak up, then pounce on him and we play for a few minutes.  When I get back to the dinner table, my wife has broken out her laptop and is complaining that the screen is staying blank. 

I offer to take a look at it.  She refuses snottily. 

"This thing is fricking useless!  This is why I never buy used stuff!"  She groans. 

"You didn't buy it.  Your mother gave it to you.  Do you want me to take a look at it?" 

I finally (after ten minutes of her rolling her eyes and bitching) manage to get my hands on it.  I try a couple things while she is discussing taking our savings and buying herself a new laptop. 

I fail to find the problem, so I go to look it up online... all while still taking care of the kid as she flops on the couch again... and find a new tactic we hadn't tried.  it fails.  This reaffirms her suspicions that her life sucks or something because she gets furious and I spend the next half hour being intermittently yelled at. 

This kind of thing continues the rest of the day.  That night, she comes to bed, apparently in her one day every two week sexy mood... and says, "I figured I'd let you have sex with your wife." 

Well... way to get the engine started.  :(

"Not sure I'm really in the mood."  I say with an apologetic smile.  Meanwhile I am thinking, "I'd rather stick my penis in a blender... but thanks."

She flops on the bed and pulls her shirt up, showing me what she's got up top.  Like just seeing her is going to somehow trigger an enormous libido surge from me.  I got news for you and her... My wife isn't that hot.  At least not after she assassinated my libido. 

"You aren't ready."  She says with amazement. 

I quirk an eyebrow, "Try fixing that?"  I ask with a smirk. 

So she tries.  She tries poking me in the side.  She tries  rubbing her leg against mine.  She tries showing me her breasts.

"You really suck at this whole seduction thing.  You know that?"  I state with a blank stare. 

This continues for about ten minutes.  We have been together for seven years and it just dawned on me that she honestly has NO idea how to turn me on. 

She lays there for a minute and then as if having some brilliant idea, sits bolt upright and says, "You want to do it?"  She says with a confident look in her eye. 

"What are you doing?"  I ask curiously.

"Talking dirty."  She states with a serious look. 

It took me three minutes or so to stop laughing.  She was confused.  "You can do better than that."  I stated through the laughter. 

She lays back down and then kicks the blankets off to show me her legs and then nods toward her crotch. 

I gave her a kiss on the forehead and covered her up, and told her I appreciated her attempt.  Then I held her till she stopped crying and slept out on the couch. 

She called the doctor to make an appointment the very next day.