I need ADHD like I need a Hole in the Bucket

So... I haven't been to this site in a few days with any regularity.  In my absence... it seems that a few of my compatriots have nearly brought old fashioned lynching justice to their spouses.  I on the other hand, curled in a ball and wanted to die.  But... as luck would have it... I got a chance to play the revenge card instead.  It cost me a ten minute sexcapade with my frigid wife... (big frickin whoop) but it was soooooooo worth it... Okay... let me paint the picture and tell you where it all began...

So, I am sitting at the dining room table, working on my book.  Trying to anyway.  My son is popping molars.  This seems to make him think that he is a dinosaur or something, because he runs around roaring like his obnoxious dragon toy, and... well... you'll see... please, read on:

I am organizing information on characters and overall plot arc, when I see him bippidy bobbity boo his way under the table.  I anticipate seeing him run out the other side, but as I am tracing his trajectory towards where he -should- come out on the other side, I suddenly feel his tiny little claws dig into my leg and his fangs protract before sinking deep into my knee.  I jump in my seat, my knee involuntarily pulling away from his blender of teeth and slams right into the bottom of the table.  The resounding crack set our dog to barking because it sounded like a door knock. 

My wife finally wakes up. 

(Sidebar:  I generally wake up at 6:00 am with the baby.  I take care of the baby all day, whether she is home or at work.  For those of you who have a toddler or have had one... you know that there is no rest.  No relaxation.  Scroll up.  I started this post 53 minutes ago.  I keep having to stop to deal with him.  He wants up in the lap.  He wants to kick and wiggle in my lap.  He wants to get down.  He wants to play.  He doesn't want to play.  Etc etc.  Anyway... so that's my day.  When he takes his nap, I use that time to squeeze in a quick love making session with myself cause God knows no one else is gonna do it and again, as you parents know... tension must be released or kids get left in bathtubs.  As soon as that is finished, I do the dishes, pick up his toys, put my wife's shoes away, wash laundry, dry laundry, fold laundry, put laundry away (including my wife's if I don't want the stack to sit at the foot of the bed for a week.  I light a couple scented candles to get something other than the smell of dog to permeate through the house.  I walk the dog, feed the dog, give him water, clean off all of the horizontal surfaces in the house that were clean yesterday but are now covered in my wife's random chaos, and try to make myself something to eat if I have time.  This is also assuming that my wife doesn't call to chitchat through her entire lunch break about absolutely NOTHING.  My wife comes home, sits on the couch, somehow still makes a mess throughout the entire house.  Argues about something, then passes out o n the couch and bitches if I wake her up to come to bed or if I leave her out there.  Our Television is right next to the computer in our living room due to a simple lack of space.  She has the television on as soon as she comes home and it stays on until well after she falls asleep on the couch.  I put my son to bed for the night, which to her credit, she demands to be there for, and then she passes out on the couch again.  I go around and pick up after her, walk the dog again, and finally sit down to work on my book with some peace and quiet, which generally lasts for about an hour... then I wake her up, listen to her bitch that I am impatient, despite the fact that I had spent the last fifteen minutes trying to gently wake her up to no avail.  But I can't just wake her up and tell her to come to bed... Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.  I have to stand around and HELP HER UP!  Because apparently she can't get her fat ass up off the couch on her own.  I finally make it to bed and she flops on her side and wants me to scratch her back until she goes to sleep, this is of course, after she has put in a movie or DVD to fall asleep to... which she KNOWS keeps me up.  So I end up laying there until the disk is over and then I get up, turn it off, turn off the TV so the screen doesn't burn and the DVD player doesn't overheat, and then I finally go to bed.  The baby has been waking up lately, so I get up and I deal with that, then go back to bed where hopefully I don't wake up the beast on the other side.  Then I wake up at around 6:00 am the next day and do it all over again.  Back story complete... back to current:)

She stumbles out, complaining that she didn't get any sleep and bitches about that for a while.  I calmly massage my knee and remain compassionate.  "Oh?  I'm sorry." 
I don't even tell her that the baby woke up that night.  What's the point.  I'm running on three hours sleep.  She spent four hours curled up on the couch asleep last night, went to bed and slept for another eleven hours.  But yeah... what do I know, right?

She plays with the kid for a few minutes, then opens the cabinet.  Then the pantry.  Then the fridge.  Then the freezer.  Fridge again.  Freezer again.  "I want pizza rolls." 

"Oh?  I'm sorry."  I answer, flipping through my paperwork while poking the baby in the nose which for some reason has him spinning and circles and happy as can be.  Then he stops and suddenly sprints to the cupboards which do not open all the way thanks to the child locks... but let me tell you... he can still make noise.  And how!

"I think I am going to call (our roommate) and ask him if I can have some of his pizza rolls in the freezer."  She states idly. 

I put down my papers and take a deep breath, "You are going to call our friend and interrupt his time with his girlfriend to ask him if you can eat the only food that he has in the house right now?" 

"Well I wouldn't have to if you would let me buy some."  She snaps, but with a forced smile that will make a perfect excuse later so that she can say 'Oh I was kidding.' if the conversation goes south. 

"I did.  You bought a family size bag and ate the whole thing last night.  Remember?"  I answer calmly and smoothly, "And I would be able to let you run to the store and get some more, but unfortunately, you also wanted a cantaloupe, your expensive coffee creamer, pears and a your expensive turkey because the cheap stuff 'gives you headaches' or whatever.  None of which was budgeted into our grocery list."  I let my eyes narrow just a bit, "Remember?"   

"Oh I was kidding."  She says with a chuckle and scoff. 

"Would you like me to make you something?"  I ask with a tone that suggests that if she says yes, I will chop her up and feed her to the dog... you know... that Hannibal Lector style calm?  Yeah I had that. 

Usually she would jump at the chance to go back to sitting on her flat ass.  (Yes I said flat.  Yes, I know it's weird.)  But this time she cooks herself some scrambled eggs.  Doesn't offer me any of course. 

Our son is sitting on the floor playing by himself, but I see him give a sigh that says he's heading towards boredom, so I creep down onto the floor and sneak up, then pounce on him and we play for a few minutes.  When I get back to the dinner table, my wife has broken out her laptop and is complaining that the screen is staying blank. 

I offer to take a look at it.  She refuses snottily. 

"This thing is fricking useless!  This is why I never buy used stuff!"  She groans. 

"You didn't buy it.  Your mother gave it to you.  Do you want me to take a look at it?" 

I finally (after ten minutes of her rolling her eyes and bitching) manage to get my hands on it.  I try a couple things while she is discussing taking our savings and buying herself a new laptop. 

I fail to find the problem, so I go to look it up online... all while still taking care of the kid as she flops on the couch again... and find a new tactic we hadn't tried.  it fails.  This reaffirms her suspicions that her life sucks or something because she gets furious and I spend the next half hour being intermittently yelled at. 

This kind of thing continues the rest of the day.  That night, she comes to bed, apparently in her one day every two week sexy mood... and says, "I figured I'd let you have sex with your wife." 

Well... way to get the engine started.  :(

"Not sure I'm really in the mood."  I say with an apologetic smile.  Meanwhile I am thinking, "I'd rather stick my penis in a blender... but thanks."

She flops on the bed and pulls her shirt up, showing me what she's got up top.  Like just seeing her is going to somehow trigger an enormous libido surge from me.  I got news for you and her... My wife isn't that hot.  At least not after she assassinated my libido. 

"You aren't ready."  She says with amazement. 

I quirk an eyebrow, "Try fixing that?"  I ask with a smirk. 

So she tries.  She tries poking me in the side.  She tries  rubbing her leg against mine.  She tries showing me her breasts.

"You really suck at this whole seduction thing.  You know that?"  I state with a blank stare. 

This continues for about ten minutes.  We have been together for seven years and it just dawned on me that she honestly has NO idea how to turn me on. 

She lays there for a minute and then as if having some brilliant idea, sits bolt upright and says, "You want to do it?"  She says with a confident look in her eye. 

"What are you doing?"  I ask curiously.

"Talking dirty."  She states with a serious look. 

It took me three minutes or so to stop laughing.  She was confused.  "You can do better than that."  I stated through the laughter. 

She lays back down and then kicks the blankets off to show me her legs and then nods toward her crotch. 

I gave her a kiss on the forehead and covered her up, and told her I appreciated her attempt.  Then I held her till she stopped crying and slept out on the couch. 

She called the doctor to make an appointment the very next day. 
 

I would just like to

I would just like to encourage you to steal away as much time as you can to finish up this book...cause if it is anywhere near as entertaining as your posts here, it will be a best seller!

On a more serious note, glad she's made an appt...such a mess of a situation. She cannot possibly be happy with herself...surely.

Welcome back...no more licking the floor from a fetal position, you hear!?

Hole in the bucket's picture

No no... I said she -called-

No no... I said she -called- to make the appointment.  She had to leave a message and they haven't called back yet.  
See you would think, "How can this person not chew on a gun barrel every night?!  How can anyone be this selfish.  
But they don't see it that way.  She comes home and is so self oriented that she feels like whatever dinner I am cooking is being forced on her, or that she is being sequestered away in her room if she goes to bed before she falls asleep, etc etc.  Everything really is about her in her head.  
So I'm back to looking up divorce lawyers.  I tried.  
Don't worry about that lol... I'm through being a doormat and an enabler and a martyr.  I'll keep this family afloat until it's time for it to separate.  
Thank you. 

OH..I see..my bad. So, like

OH..I see..my bad.

So, like a teenager who applies for a job and says "I tried" , but doesn't follow through with any kind of phone calls or shows of interest, she'll say "I tried" and justify letting the issue die for another year or five?

It really is one of the most amazing and confusing things ever...even my husband on his best days, can still somehow manage in some situations to see the world only through his eyes...but he's getting there. He smoked a pork roast for a couple of hours Sunday and we needed to rush the cooking process, we we agreed to finish it off in the oven. Somehow this was solely my responsibility (correct temp, correct time) even though smoking meat is his thing. I guessed at how 'done' it was (50%??) since it only smoked 1/2 the time it should have and baked accordingly. Checked it after an hour...180 degrees. Sh!t...should have only been 160-170. Oh well, let it sit, maybe it'll still be juicy when I cut it in 15 mins. It was AMAZING!! Perfect! I had asked him to go cut it up for BBQ...he mumbles something essentially meaning "I don't want to" so I did it. I'm thinking I'm being helpful, letting him be lazy on a Sunday afternoon...and the first thing he does is criticize the way I cut it. "I like it better when it is pulled". My heart sinks when he says stuff like this...it wouldn't taste any f*cking different either way!! BUT...he immediately catches himself, and proceeds to go on and on about how delicious it is. Even our 12 y/o didn't get why he would even say something like that. This lack of 'filter' is often hurtful...and I cannot help but sometimes feel it is absolutely on purpose...just to somehow 'bring me down' to his level or something. Oh...and when I told him it was 180 degrees...and should have been 170 degree.."so you ruined it?" I guess the difference for me is that it doesn't make me mad, it just makes me sad...

Ok..whining session is officially over. Counseling in 45. I hope you can somehow find a way to get through this situation with your sanity...I think you need to start being a little less 'nice' and a lot more 'honest'.

Hole in the bucket's picture

I used to be honest... and it

I used to be honest... and it just generated more arguments... but I think you're right.  That's my plan from now on.  Let her know.  I won't be telling her anything I haven't told her before... but I think it's time to stop pulling punches.  Thank you, Sherri

hole

Me: scratching head...I'm sure I didn't post this....deja vu moment... I'm soo sorry maybe you should come to the dark side..

Hole in the bucket's picture

I would love to join you on

I would love to join you on the dark side of the bed.  Is that not what you meant?

dark side

Come over to the dark side we have feather beds in the dungeon...are you surprised we don't have feather beds? you may kneel on the slab.. wicked laughter...

Hole in the bucket's picture

Surely you jest.  I jest as

Surely you jest.  I jest as well.  Well half jest anyway.  Okay like 25% jesting... 15%.  Yeah I'm 15% jesting. 
 

seriously

I couldn't resist...We should get togther and write all of us a book full of anecdotes and witty repartees' Journey to the dark side of ADHD..

waynebloss's picture

Is the party for 2 only?

Is this just for 2 or can I join....mind you that I do have ADD so I would be the odd ball, but hey I know a few tricks!

Party

Bring wit, pen and Glenlivet...Let's get this party started...;)

nod

she nods.

waynebloss's picture

How is it going?

How is it going?  I have been praying for you and your family!  Just thought I would let you know!!  I would like your "guy" feedback to my current situation that i posted last pm and this morning...please!

It's funny 'cause it's true?

I'm laughing and feeling sorry for you (and a little bit for your clueless wife) at the same time.  

My guy doesn't really know how to turn me on either.  If I'm a little bit in the mood, he can usually work from there.  But getting me going from zero - seems difficult.  Maybe it's me - the things I find exciting when already excited are very very different from what can get me going if I'm not anywhere close to excited.

I'm going to try these tactics on him though.  (actually, showing him what I've "got up top" and saying "You want to do it?" is usually enough).  But I love the nodding towards the crotch.  Sort of like a guy saying "I've got something for you".  Maybe you should try that with her?

Hole in the bucket's picture

Yeah that stuff would usually

Yeah that stuff would usually work with me too, but the last intimate encounter I had with her was me masturbating while she laid there and watched tv and bitched that it was too much for me to ask for her to do what she was going to do anyway (lay on the bed and watch House) without a shirt.  Aside from that, it's been almost two months... and that's about the average.  So... there is no bonding chemical being released.  She's a bitch.  She's lazy.  She's gaining weight.  She has almost ruined us financially.  She doesn't clean up after herself.  She is argumentative.  She is a prude.  What about that is supposed to turn me on?  You know? 

Hole in the bucket's picture

True, but, and my apologies

True, but, and my apologies ahead of time, Wayne...
But Wayne is the one with the problem. 
The only thing I did wrong was love her. 
Wayne is doing his time in the dog house for over a decade of the same bullshit I am dealing with now.  Granted... I think Wayne rocks and his wife is being a bitch... BUT point being, two months may be a drop in the bucket... but in this case... the bucket is on a sinking ship and every drop is one closer to complete submersion. 

waynebloss's picture

2 months?

At least you get a shirt off or something..I havene't seen real breasts or anything real on a woman in 11.5 months!  I could go to the strip clubs but she does not like me to so I am not going??  Am I that whipped by a woman who will not even hold my hand?  WOW...I just realized what I said....it just made me sad! 

I'm proud of you wayne!

Hang in there! Don't go to the strip club, it would make all of your efforts to fix things worthless. If things don't work out the way you hope, at least you will know you didn't give into temptation, you will be a stronger man for it.  Don't be sad...... be glad  = )  you are doing the right thing now, (working on yourself) regardless of the past and regardless if she recognizes it or not. ((hugs))

wayne re: yeah!

Agree with adhd123.  And Jaysus, quit worrying about breasts already.  Whether you are successful with your wife, or not, you will see breasts again.  They're making them things everyday...

Wayne, since I know you're a

Wayne, since I know you're a believer, I will say this...even if you were jesting...

When we are trying our hardest to turn our lives towards God, to do the right thing and growing in our relationship with God, the devil will mess with our heads and throw temptations at us from all angles. We will come under spiritual warfare when we are getting closer to God through our thoughts and actions. We have all of these thoughts running through our heads 'well, if he/she would just stop doing XXX, then I wouldn't be thinking this way/tempted' THAT is the devil. Don't be sad, I agree...be proud. God wants you to turn to him, with unwaivering Faith that he will answer your prayers. That he will make your marriage whole again. If you doubt this is possible, then you doubt God's ability to open your wife's heart to you again.

Not sure if you're interested...our preacher just finished a series that I think a couple of the sermons would really hit home for you. http://www.harvesttn.com/pages/page.asp?page_id=13619 Listen to Part 3 and 4 if nothing else. I cried from almost beginning to end through both of them.

I hope it is OK for me to post that link...if not, I can send it to him on FB...no problem.

Sherri

waynebloss's picture

LOL

With or without "being a  P*ssy!"?

Link

I will look at it....You mean under unshakable faith?

No, the Redzone series..you

No, the Redzone series..you have to click "view series" and see all of the different sermons.

Intimate encounter

I'm fairly certain that does not qualify as an *intimate* encounter.  It's barely an encounter.  I realize you may be exaggerating for effect (or maybe you're not...) but she comes off as insanely selfish.  Maybe it seems worse in a woman since we're used to men being more selfish... I don't know.  Even fairly annoyed at my guy and suffering from fibromyalgia pain I try to have sex a couple of times a week.  When there is less pain and we are not add odds it's generally more than that. Even though I don't always feel like it, I like the bonding part of having sex and I feel... mean and rejecting if I say no all the time just because I'm not in the mood.  I'm also very aware of the cycle, to feel more in the mood I need him to be loving and attentive, but he's generally more loving and attentive when he's gettin' some, so if I put a spoke in that cycle it just snowballs into getting worse and worse (having purposeful fun with the mixed metaphors). 

Anyway, you're probably a saint for not leaving.  Hopefully she'll get her s**t together before it's too late (if it isn't already).

waynebloss's picture

Re:I feel... mean and rejecting if I say no all the time just be

My wife would do this all the time!  Before the ship hit the ADD rock, I would be in the mood, try every tirck in the book and even some I read about and I would get, "not now" or "not tonight".  Then after attempting 5-6 times a week for 4-5 weeks I would stop.  I did show her love and affection, but not start any sexual act, I was tired of being told no.  I tried to talk to her about this, but she told me that she wanted me to be the aggressor, the one who started it, I told her about the 5-6 x per week for 4-5 weeks and she said that she was not in the mood.  she only needs to have her climax once every 2 weeks or so and she is happy!  So with ADD and being rejected all the time I just stopped, there was no need in trying she was going to say no anyway so why bother.  That was then and this is now, new way of thinking..I hope on both parts.

The issue I am having is that I am not finding her that attractive anymore.  I used to see her in her bra and panties or in some shorts and that would be it for me, all I needed, but now there is nothing!  She does look very beautiful and there are times when there is a spark but it does not light anything!  I try to put out of my head the emotional stuff that she has kept from me, it has worked if that was her plan, I do not think I could tell her I love her right now.  I guess take one step at a time, get us talking and reconnecting and see if that snowballs into something else? But what if it doesn't?  What then? 

Wayne 

Maybe you're starting to feel

Maybe you're starting to feel some of your own resentment and anger born out of the frustration of "look at all of the good work I'm doing" and getting nothing from her. Maybe those of us who feel she's dragging things out a little too far aren't helping.

Wayne, follow your heart....chances are if she came to you today and said "I have forgiven you, I love you and I want us to start to become a family again..." you would feel all over again what you think you've lost. You're hurt. You're disappointed that all of your hard work doesn't seem to be getting noticed. You're frustrated. This is all because you are HUMAN. You're doing great. When you feel you've simply got to have some answers about your future, then you have every right to have those answers...or at least start taking more control over your future and stop giving 100% of the control to her. You've gone above and beyond what most any man would ever give. Be proud of that. My belief is that God will reward you.

Sherri

waynebloss's picture

re:Keep on changing for me and stop worrying

Maybe I am resentful that she is not noticing or she is but does not acknowledge it, I do not know.  I do know that I rant sometimes on here, and I might step over the line (George I am sorry for the link posting, it will not happen again), so maybe I need to stop being a "P*((&" like Rev says and stop worrying over crap I cannot control. 

Tonight we went to Journey to Bethlehem, it was a very good time, but before hand my wife called and asked if she could meet us before we go?  She has not done that in 3-4 months!  We actually sat and talked, BS but talked which again is a major + for us!  So maybe my ADD is trying to take over I do not know, but I do know Sherri that I will not go back to what I was before, these changes are here to stay.  It is hard work changing yourself, it is a struggle everyday for me, but I like who I am now, I like the changes I have made and I am going to make more, so bear with me when my ADD takes over!  Wait....sorry I was preaching to the choir, just do not start ranting on here about me?

Have a good night, Rev, Topaz, Sherri, Ebb, Devon.....I hope that God blesses each of you with some peace and that his healing touch will start in all of you tonight! 

Sherri- time for more good cop/bad cop

This time I am bad cop:  Wayne, I assure you that she did not think you were smoking hot for many years, not completing tasks.  C'mon!  Has she seen YOU in YOUR bra and panties? Don't be a p*ssy.  * smiles* Affectionately, Rev.

waynebloss's picture

Yes she has!

and I have some that would make you blush!!!   :P

Come to think about it she has not, I am always dressed as well...good point..both of you Sherri and Rev...just feels good to actually get that out rather than talk to the cat or the moles I kill! 

What is p*ssy?  Is that another word for a cat?

Wow

I don't even know what to say to that. I have not followed your story here....but ...well I don't know what to say. I just agree that your writing is entertaining! Sorry for your day and night and the next day and the next night.....

Hole in the bucket's picture

You aren't missing much.  If

You aren't missing much.  If you've been with one neglectful and selfish ADHDer than you have been with them all.  I accept and appreciate the kind words. 

waynebloss's picture

That is not true, Devon!

You have not been with me or you would have remembered!  I am really sorry but say that I am very impressed, not many men in the world today that would have stayed and put up with as much as you have and still be there!  Thanks for being a real man and not one that just talks but cannot walk the walk! 

I will toast you tonight as I watch Jenna "Help" the TV repairman tonight!  Thank you *******.com!! <admin deleted link to adult site.  Do not do this again!>

waynebloss's picture

Yeah, I messed up on that one

Was e-mailed that porn and porn links are not welcome on this site.  I did apologize and said I would not do it again! 

Whoa stereotypes....

Hey hey easy now I know your situation is rough but selfish and ADD are not synonymous. I'm the ADD woman in my relationship. And I have issues with concentration, task organization, time management and sometimes depression crap, but I literally wear my fiancé out when it comes to sex.... I also tend to attend to the needs of others before my own. My fiancé says I do too much for him and I would have sex everyday at least two times a day if he would let me. I know I'm a couple years behind on this forum but maybe your wife needs another diagnosis. Depression and hormonal problems are often similar to ADD. 

WOW! Awsome Wrighting

I know how you feel when it comes to having small children underfoot and endless responsibilities to take care of because your spouse is to adhd to comprehend (let alone help with) everything that must be done to maintain a "Normal" lifestyle. I am a stay home mom, if I could only expresses my day to day life as well as you do........ Wow, the things I would wright. My head is left spinning at the end of the day. Good luck you you and your wife. I look forward to reading more from you.

Hole in the bucket's picture

*Smiles*  Well thank you! 

*Smiles*  Well thank you!  That post is fractured.  What with having to stop to chase the baby and such, so definitely not my best work... but a writer (especially one with an ADHD wife) could always hear more compliments on their writing.  You have my thanks. 

Uh,

I don't know what to say.  I don't want to have sex with my husband, but he REALLY is fantastic at it.  He's just icy otherwise.  But even the best tasting meal can benefit from being warmed up first.  But what you have here...

waynebloss's picture

DUDE!!

1st off, welcome back!!  I am sorry for the F'up world that is your life, but at least you are having the opportunity to engage in the stillness, lifeless sex that a necrophiliac would enjoy while I am still hoping that she will at least hold my hand or give me 1 grandma kiss before we reach the 1year anniversary of no intimacy in our married life! 

I am sorry that young kids are in the mix of that, I do applaud your effort, time, and ritual type sacrifice to ensure those kids have at least a dad who gives a damn!  So kudos to you!

Hang in there bro, the grass is greener somewhere, if not roll it and smoke it and enjoy the ride! 

wayne...

...I have checked:  You have not one reply that does not mention your lack of intimacy.   Truly, I hope your wife relents soon.  And I hope you are not inserting this information accidentally into your patient's medical records, a la  "67 y/o male with PMH of CHF, NIDDM, A-fib, OA, CVA, and acute lack of sexual release."  *smile*

waynebloss's picture

Yep

I do not see her relenting anytime soon, I might go for 2 years! 

Hole in the bucket's picture

is a failure to communicate.

Eh, that's my job right?  Good to hear from you soon, Mr. Wayne.  How melts your Ice Queen?

waynebloss's picture

Still Frozen!

The polar ice caps are still frozen and there is no sign that any "global" warming will have any effect anytime soon! 

Hole in the bucket's picture

Dump her ass and move on. 

Dump her ass and move on.  ADD sucks and you deserved your dog house time... but it's done.  Dump her and move on.  Capiche?  End of story.  Zip dip boppity boo.  Peace out.  War in.  You are her husband and deserve to be treated with some fricking respect.  Besides... she might just be getting that stuff somewhere else, you know?

wayne re: Goodfellas

Agree.  And that's one of the best.  And of course the Godfather I, II (but III sucked).

Hole in the bucket's picture

is a failure to communicate. 

is a failure to communicate.  *Loads shotgun*  Mass killing spree?  Nah.  I'll stop with one.  *Maniacal laughter*  She'd be more sexually adept that way.

You all understand me better than my wife does

Hi all,

I've been reading your comments with interest, especially yours, Hole in the Bucket. My wife has just been diagnosed with ADD, and living with her is like living on an island where a hurricane sweeps through every evening. Dishes all over the house. Hair on the floor. Magazines hidden everywhere. Her side of the bed is a mess of bags, scarves, bottles of lotion, magazines, receipts, spoons, hair, and god knows what else. The bathroom is rarely clean, and if it is, it's because I did it. She takes no initiative to make our home a better place to live, and she seems to refuse to do the simple things I ask her to do. Our dishwasher broke. I waited to see if she'd do anything about it. She didn't even ask, "Hey, want to call the repair man?" We went about washing by hand while mold began to grow in the dishwasher. Lovely.

I've just picked up the book by Melissa Orlov and want to apply some of its teachings. It seems like some behaviors, including cultivating empathy may help, but I do have some comments about what I've read.

I've been in therapy since August and one thing my therapist has told me is that sex is VERY important. You have to be attracted to your wife, or you're doomed. Sex has got to be good. In relationships, there are two types of problems: sex problems, and every other kind of problem. I've been thinking about how much of my problems with my wife have to do with ADD and  how many are related to sex. Like your wife, Hole in the Bucket, mine seems to be frigid and uninterested in trying new, fun stuff in the bedroom. But I've been unable to figure out if that's because the symptoms of ADD have made her feel less connected to me, or because she was brought up in an extremely Catholic house (pictures of the pope and saints all over the house and dressing up as a nun for halloween--yeah, really strange) and thus has a troubled relationship with sex.

And one more thing for my man Hole in the Bucket---I totally get it. The kids thing is tough. I don't have kids and i'm having trouble just leaving, so I can imagine how tough it must be for you to think of leaving them alone. It's one thing to tell someone else to leave their crappy situation, but it's another to leave your own crappy situation. But I gotta say, my friend, that there are other, better women who will give you a wild ride AND remember what you say the first time you say it. I promise you that. There are 6 billion people on the planet. Half of them are women. Let's say half of them are around your age, and half of those are attractive, and half of those are attracted to you, half of those are single....you get the idea. That's some good odds, right there.

Go get what you want, and enjoy it, guilt-free. You only live once! And contact me to commiserate !