I NEED to be able to forgive him

My husband has done some terrible things over the years (not cheat) and now he is trying his very best to mend the broken heart that comes with it... You probably all recognize the stuff out ADHD partners put us through so i wont list everthing but please, how do i forgive and let go??? 

I have already googled my brains out and "just let go" is not working :(

HELP!

forgiveness,

whether you for forgive him or not  it would not be for him but rather for you,if you continue feeling this resentment toward him then all you are doing is putting your own health,emotions at risk.Forgive him for you not for him and after you have done that you would feel much better.Forgiveness does not have to justify whether you would stay or leave that would be up to you.But after the forgiveness then you would be freeing yourself from being held hostage to his down falls in his life,or his actions towards the relationship...I forgive my husband for everything and i am still leaving him...

goodluck

lovehurts...

By definition

To forgive by definition means to stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake. I think by addressing the reasons you feel angry or resentful towards your husband would be a good first step. I'd also recommend that you gain a greater knowledge of ADHD if you have not already so you can better understand what the underlying reason for the offense, flaw, or mistake was. It sounds like your husband is trying to do everything he can to make things right so I would assume he has at the very least gained a better knowledge of ADHD and is taking medication regularly. He has most likely begun identifying how ADHD played a part in the pain he has caused you over the years and is going through his own grief from this realization. I think counseling with a specialist that is intimately familiar with the effects of ADHD would be very beneficial for you to talk through the terrible things he has done over the years and help you begin to step back and separate the symptoms from the person you married. Trust me, he's in there, and he feels horrible for allowing his symptoms to cause you pain and he needs your support to get through this. With your help, love, and empathy, you can restore your marriage and you can find a way to feel the way you felt about him when you first met him.

 

Good Luck.

 

 

Thats the thing, i HAVE read

Thats the thing, i HAVE read just about everything there is to read about ADHD and belive i understand it very well, i do not recent him in any way for all the typical adhd wrongs that he did because he went undiagnosed for over 30 years so i understand the fact that we were dealing with something completely out of our league.

i do not have any anger issues (any more) for the "little" things he does or did... you know, all the classics; forgetting stuff, being disorganized and paying no attention to me.

but my big (actually HUGE) problem are the things he did this summer once he got medicated, he started remembering all the shitty stuff that had happened to him over his whole life (he had a rotten childhood) and realizing all the things he had done to me over our 8 years and i would even go so far as to saying he got PTSD for a couple of months. I understand WHY he did the things he did and i understand that there is no way any brain can function getting 30 years of horror thrown at you in less than a week ... so understanding the reasons is not the problem. But he fell into such a deep depression that he said horrible things to me...and so so so much worse, took it out on our kids.

for example, i had to go to work and he had our youngest one home with him (then around 14 months old) and when i called him to make sure everything was ok he did not answer, i thought it was just him being mean in one of the many ways he would do, but after a few hours i could not take it any more and went home, only to find him sleeping and our 14 month old alone in the living room, diaper completely FULL, stuff everywhere and sooo hungry!!! so basically he left the child alone for around 5 hours while he slept.

please dont execute me for not going home sooner because i hate myself enough already for that, things that had happened before just led me to believe everything would be ok and plus i really did not want to believe that he would put his own misery over the well being of our almost INFANT child!!!

 

this example is just one of oh so many BAD things he did and because he shows remorse and understand what he did i want to be able to forgive him but no matter how hard i try i just do not seem to be able to.

 

just as a finish, i see him now the way he is and he is a wonderful man, husband and father struggling to be the best he can with his ADHD. 

pls help me find a way to forgive so that this huge rock in my heart and stomac can go away and we can continue with our lives :/

Hard situation

I can understand your concern and I would be very concerned about that as well. It will take time for him to learn new behaviors and for both of you to heal. I would suggest focusing on the major issues that you have experienced over time with his symptoms. In the example you provided, I would recommend a good parenting course to attend. I highly recommend doing the course with him, not so much because you specifically need it, but your support and presence will help motivate him through it. It will also give you both an opportunity to discuss what you learn and get on the same page about parenting your children. I'm not going to sugar coat it: Forgiving him will take time and effort. You'll have to take everything day by day and do your best not to allow the past to swell up when mistakes are made. Focus on being positive and being supportive. Find ways to make yourself happy and find a support group and/or counseling for yourself. Us ADHD folks can typically be quick to forgive but the Non-ADHD spouse has alot of pain built up over time and fears that the ADHD spouse will revert back to his old ways which is a valid fear. The best way to avoid falling into that frame of mind is by taking it one day at a time and being prepared (but not expecting) him to make mistakes. I know this is hard and I truly wish my own wife had the desire to try as much as you do. I wish you the best.

Thanks for sharing this,

Thanks for sharing this, RoadtoRecovery.  This is a wise and helpful perspective.