Forgive any mistakes as this is the first time I have done this. Funny though-in true ADD fashion, I have been browsing this website wanting to post everytime...but i never quite follow through. I have suspected I have ADD for my entire life. Unfortunately, any MD I mentioned it to shot me down and almost made me feel like a drug seeker. Embarrassing. Apparantly because I was an honor student and was able to work full time and obtain my masters degree-there's no way I could have ADD. No one knows how hard I really worked for all that. So the constant trips to therapists/psychiatrists/family MDs where I discuss the plethora of sounds that annoy me (typing, knuckle cracking, crunchy foods, chewing guy, squeaky shoes, high heels...) and the anxiety level they send me to. Also-the fact I loose track mid-sentence, because someone walked past with squeaky shoes or my inability to complete tasks on time. My house is a mess because I have so many ideas of cleaning the house, organizing the cabinet, organizing my closet, taking my daughter to the park, scrapbooking....but i never activate. It just doesn't happen-I can't get it together. I was convinced that I was a loser, a bad mom, horrible wife. I don't cook, don't clean, don't take my daughter fun places. It's an ugly cycle.
After repeated depression, anxiety diagnoses and even a bipolar diagnosis, I was spent. I have tried every antidepressant, all made me sleepy, hallucinate. I even went on Lamictal for the bipolar. Although I lost some weight, my symptoms never improved. My family MD finally diagnosed me 6 months ago and sent me for neuropsych testing. My results still are not in. I have been on several different meds. I think I am expecting the miracle cure and that's not gonna happen. I am taking Vyvanse now and it seems to help. Adderall makes me really dark/depressed. It's probably time to go back on an antidepressant as well. I am reading Sari's book about women with ADD and I cry with every chapter...finally someone who gets me. I have found my diagnosis...now how to fix it. I can't seem to find a therapist near me who specializes in this. I want therapy. The problems are all out on the table and now I need help on how to fix them....before my marraige crumbles. My husband is tired of my volatile moods. I am angry at him for expecting me to do everything. Taking my daughter to and from school, working 10 hours a day, and keeping up bills is sending me over the edge. When he asked me to get granola bars the next time I'm at the store--I told him to go get them himself.
WHy am I responsible for everything? Why do I feel guilty if I spend all Saturday on the couch and don't get anything done? How do I make him understand that I want to do so many things, but I just can't activate the process. And my job--that's another whole blog and another day. I just come home from work and don't care to talk to my husband. I have pent up resentment and I am tired. I just want to sit.
So-my needs-a good therapist in Indiana. Otherwise I am truly considering driving to Michigan to see Sari Solden.
How do I get my husband to understand? Are the books or movies?
I am reflecting my emotional lability and lack of organization on my 4 year old daughter who acts just like me. She is dramatic, emotional, angry and her attention span is less than 30 seconds. Not Kidding. Is she too young to be tested? And is it my fault?
How do I organize my brain when I talk to my doctor to truly explain how I feel? I get there and tend to go blank, or start on one topic and forget all the others?
All the wonderful beautiful people on this page who speak so eloquently and most of all, who get this disease. Please help.