I have been reading these forums and blogs on this website for a few months now. I have never had the courage to join in. I have been watching from the inside. But today for whatever reason, I joined. And here I am throwing myself out here. I can't do this anymore. Even as I type, it is surreal. Like this really can't be me in my life getting ready to puke it all out to a bunch of strangers. Here it goes...
I have been married to my husband for 22 years. We dated for almost 6 years before that. Looking back at it all now, I should have known those flags should have been deal breakers. I can honestly say I wish I never married my husband. I try to remind myself I wouldnt have my 2 wonderful daughters but I just am so sad with how my life has turned out. I cry nearly everyday and things have increasingly gotten worse over the past several years. I think I didnt have time to analyze the situation so closely when the girls were younger because I was so consumed with their needs. But now they are 16 & 13 and I see them with their friends and they are happy. I participate in their lives by volunteering, coaching and attending everything they do...but 90% of the time I am alone. And when they are with their friends, I am alone even when my husband and I are under the same roof.
We have fought, we have talked, we have promised to try harder. It always turns out the same. I continue to try and he continues to be distant, depressed and so lonely himself. He was diagnosed almost 2 years ago. He recently went back on his medicine (even though he said he didnt think it made a difference - I know it does). So, we are about 2 weeks into him taking the medicine again and I just dont know if I can continue living with him. He spends all of his free time in front of the computer or tv. I do all of the household chores, children, work full time, volunteer, mow the lawn, and everything/anything else I can squeeze into the day.
I cant remember the last time he looked at me or told me how nice I looked or even initiated a conversation. Other men do notice me and I have even been asked out (I think most people think I am divorced because I am always alone) and that is flattering knowing that I have some value even if to another man. It would be so easy to have an affair. One time I went out with an old (guy) friend and got home late and my husband never said a word. He didnt even remember me telling him that I would be going out.
I want the best for my girls. I want them to have a positive outlook on life and marriage. I dont know if I am doing them any favors by being this kind of role model. In my mind, if I can just make it 5 more years. Then, my youngest will go off to college and I can move out too. I cant see how my life would be any worse because I am already alone anyway. I guess I do see it could be better to be living alone because then the isolation wont be shoved in my face. The question now is...can I make it 5 years? I dont feel like I can make it another month. I just dont know what to do anymore. I lack confidence in making decisions, I am so depressed and so lonely. I just want to crawl in a hole and for it all to go away.