I don't know what to do _ I am the add person, my husband hates me - I mean he hates me - i think hes fallen out of love with me. My add has destroyed our marriage. See because of this he is depressed. he doesn't know what the day is going to bring so he just goes in a hole. He talks about how bored he is how he wants change. Ok so I bring up a ton of things we could do- or he could do by himself- doesn't help- he says I haven't laid the ground work for him to get better. By saying that - he wants peace- and if my add kicks in then its not peaceful. He then resorts to getting angry at the things he wants to do but does not have the energy to do them. He is tired of always being pissed off at me - he is hurt at all the things that have gone on - the disorganization the rambling the racing thoughts- the worms in my head( he calls that to people who cant sit still) No matter how much I try to explain what is going on - this does nothing - he knows I'm sorry but sorry just doesn't cut it any more- He hates that I used to be a go getter a person who didn't care what others thought- now I'm always worried whose mad at me- I result from the consent arguing. I'm trying to be "normal" I am - but its not enough he thinks I'm broken and will never get better. My husband has always been there for me always- But now our life is more parent/child. We are rarely intimate, we are just lost and it sucks.
He has no faith in me or our relationship he literally thinks we wont ever get better because we are so different. Hes tired of taking care of me hes tired of guessing my moods- it doesn't help that I have PMDD, and he has to deal with a hormonal ADD person too. Hes tired of being upset and devastated only to see me fine- I try to explain I'm just on another thought thats taken me somewhere else. I another issue we have- I stare into space- done it since I was a kid- I need help- what am I supposed to do how can I save my marriage? I ve got the book and am reading it now- but how do I put ideas into place if he has reached a breaking point of no hope- It makes me feel like giving up too. Please someone help me
Hey
Submitted by MichaelADD on
May I suggest first to try and gently step back from your own thoughts before jumping to possible extreme thinking that your husband hates you? I obviously don't know the full picture of what day to day life is like for you, but... As difficult as it is, the reason i ask is that you mentioned that you get 'racing thoughts' which in my experience of having ADD leads to catastrophe thinking and magnifying situations into a much bigger monster than need be.
May I also ask how you are currently managing your condition? Medication and therapy/excercise/diet?
I am not managing at the
Submitted by lostinthought23 on
I am not managing at the moment - well I take supplements- stimulants dont work well with me, but I have an herbilst that is helping me. I need to exercise but just dont have the motivation to - My husband has trouble sleeping- so we stay up late. I know the lack of exercise and lack of sleep are contributing to my problem. He is just at the whatever stage it seems no matter how I try to aplogize nothing sticks it becomes about my problem -.. we have been together since we were 19yrs old no kids at this point we may never have them because he doesnt want something else to take care of. And yes we do love each other but all the same 20yrs can also build up resentment - he knows everything- but at this point like you - what about him what about his feelings- what would you want your gir todo - to apologize for being absent - what could she do to make it up to you ?
My ADD checklist
Submitted by MichaelADD on
When I start to suffer the rebound effect of how my ADD effects others around me as well as my own emotional well being (I read an article recently about the comorbidity between ADHD and anxiety/depression which I suffer from), I do a checklist.
1. Sleep. This is crucial for sufferers of ADD and ADHD. In a lot of cases it is half the battle. You wouldn't be able to run a marathon if you hadn't slept without physically hitting the wall at some stage during the race, and you wouldn't be able to function at your best in a job cognitively and socially if you hadn't been sleeping properly. I heard a quote once from someone about how "The definition of insanity is when you expect new results from the same old behaviour patterns"
My advice to you here is to break the bad habit pattern and start a new one which allows you to wake up more refreshed and be able to function better and think clearer. Trust me on the sleep. It makes my inattentive/distraction side of my own ADD a hundred times worse when I have a bad sleeping pattern. This leads to me being short, indecisive and cranky which isn't fun to be around. Let your husband stay up late while you go to bed earlier. This may encourage him to do the same by leading by example. This will lead to you having more energy for excercise.
2. Medication. This is a bit of a grey area for me because I tried various different medications with little success. I'm in the UK so the ones I tried was Concerta XL (made a minor improvement but the higher dose made me nauseous), Strattera (which had awful physical side effects like constipation and sexual dysfunction) and finally Ritalin (which was the best and most effective, however my own views on medications is that they treat symptoms rather than root cause and I want to try and treat the root cause which I feel is a diet and lifestyle which isn't conducive to the human body and human evolution. Controversial I know but it's just my own opinion which I don't hold too strongly. I'm exploring it right now and may continue medication in the future.)
3. Diet. If there's one thing I know I love as an ADDer... It's that I LOVE sugar and nicotine! I have stopped smoking for 3 months now and been trying hard to give up sugar and have a diet which is more along the paliolithic route. Watch you don't eat things which aren't good for a more balanced mental well being. Sugar highs give you sugar lows, but so many people don't understand what they are eating and change their diet to suit.
Hope this helps... I'm really tired and might be rambling!
No your fine- ironically my
Submitted by lostinthought23 on
No your fine- ironically my herbalist is from the UK or England( I don't mean to offend) She is helping me with herbs- I've tried the others you mentioned terrible side affects. My diet is pretty good- I don't eat sugar with the exception of my coffee. My biggest thing is salt- I love pickled peppers and eat them allot- I have even taken potatoes out of my diet because they turn to sugar. As far as coffee - is Gevia and I have one cup a day processed through a french press, I add milk and sugar. But I love love love to cook- oh yeah I'm also completely gluten free- I've read articles that this helps. My diet has helped- but I know lacking exercise and sleep are the biggest factors. Thank you for your help, but you didn't answer my final question- what would you want your GF to do to make it up to you . I know the I'm sorrys just don't cut it anymore - Have you read Melissa's book?
It sounds like you have a
Submitted by MichaelADD on
It sounds like you have a pretty well balanced diet. I think there's nothing wrong with enjoying the odd snack which is not so healthy as its balanced out with a diet which is 95% ADHD friendly. We are only human after all.
wow... What would I want my gf to do to make it up to me?... Good question. I'm still trying to find ways to articulate an answer to that myself. I would definitely like a more balanced relationship communication wise. I'm tired of always being the 'fixer' in arguments. It's kind of like asking someone to say sorry, but when they do it's not sincere because you had to ask. That old cliche. She came home last night at around 1am and I was sleeping in the spare room. She went to bed without coming in and saying anything. I was feeling awful and had to take diazepam for my anxiety over this whole situation. I couldn't go to sleep because of the unresolved nature of this situation, yet she clearly could which upset me even more. So I got up and asked her if she was awake and said I'd like to talk. She was tired as was I, however if she had shown any concern towards me throughout New Year's Day by texting me or leaving a voicemail and showing some kind of interest in sorting this situation out, we could have talked earlier and at the very least felt better about the situation. I just have this underlying feeling she doesn't really care and does nothing to show me otherwise when I tell her this. I just get a mismatched reply where the words she uses say that she does care but her tone and body language is cold, emotionless and blasé. When I'm angry or in need of validation and reassurance, this kind of response is impossible for me to deal with.
Our chat resulted in me doing all the talking again with little feedback from her, then she would get frustrated and snappy. I told her I had been looking at other places to live and was on the verge of moving out and leaving her. The reply to this was slight shock but the same cold, emotionless tone saying we could talk tomorrow but she had to go into town to get me a birthday present and was going to her dads for dinner at night. Now... For someone who is on the verge of leaving and moving out, looking at other places to live because of the unhappiness, frustration and lack of resolution to the situation, to hear that I could be 'fitted in' in the morning really only affirmed my concerns and insecurities about the relationship not working. I told her this and the reply I got was something about how her family was important to her too and she stormed off in to the bedroom and exclaimed "just because you don't give a f#%* about your family".
Well that has really hurt me. A lot. And I just flipped. How dare she talk to me like that. Forgetting clearly that when her mother kicked her out and phoned the police on her because of how strained the relationship was between them, it was ME who gave her a place to live for 4 months. Rent free, and to the frustration of MY family which strained relations between ME and them. I'm the guy that called a favour in my work to get her a job, bypassing the interview stage. I also used my influence to continually ask a friend to keep her in mind for a job working in a fantastic new hair salon which has been an instant success. When it came to her ADHD, it was ME who did the research for her, presented it to her and helped her go for a referral and diagnosis. It was ME who wrote out a long 3 page summary of her condition and giving examples of how it affects her and other people around her. It's now ME that does most of the housework and picks up after her in our home and switches off plug switches and things left on eating away the electricity which costs money.
She doesn't get that when the person you are supposed to love is telling you they are unhappy and about to leave them that you PRIORITIZE the relationship to FIX the situation?
If she worked with me on the communication side of things and learn the skills to be able to get better at it and be more aware and attune to my needs as I have with her, then I would feel doing more of the housework as a loving act for someone that is switched on to me and continually working on bettering the quality of our relationship, rather than me feeling like an unappreciated maid.
In the end she came over to me and gave me a hug and told me she loved me and didn't want me to leave and that she was sorry for how the way she acted made me feel, and that the barriers she puts up are a long term learned behaviours. This was a massive step towards resolution and we went to the same bed together with a view of talking when she awakes today.
I really hope this resolves.
*update...
Submitted by MichaelADD on
We talked today about issues and in a more relaxed, productive and open way which was reassuring.
As a result we have sat down and are making a checklist of things to help her (and me) learn about and manage her ADHD.
What are your own thoughts about your own situation today? I'm going to read back over your initial post and try and think of something more helpful that might give alternative ways of trying to tackle this. I know it might seem like a mountain to climb or an insurmountable task that's absolutely futile, but please believe me that there is always a way to solve issues and get back to living and loving in harmony. It takes two though and sometimes you have to repackage a 'rescue plan' in terms of how you present it to your partner in order for them to see the positive and how it will help them.
Well things have gotten
Submitted by lostinthought23 on
Well I'm with a man with ADHD
Submitted by dazedandconfused on
Well I'm with a man with ADHD so I can't pretend to understand what I would want if the tables were turned on me, but the one thing I needed when we were at ground zero was consistency. You can't "make" up the past and to try to do so will only send you into a tailspin. What you can do, is work out what you need to do moving forward. When things were at their worst I just wanted to know my hubby a.) truly loved me and b.) truly cared for my wellbeing. In order to convey that, I needed him to follow through with what he said he was going to do. I wanted him to be more thoughtful or perhaps the word is intentional.
I would highly suggest that you seek counseling if you can't take medications. While there are herbs out there that can help, you need another form of reinforcement. A counselor/psychiatrist could help you identify the good and bad aspects of your ADHD and help you come up with a plan to combat them.
Best of luck to you.