Sorry for the long post. And I don't know what forum post this in.
My wife an I have been together for 19 years. We have been through a lot together and built an amazing life so I thought. We have 3 wonderful kids, 14, 11 and 8 years old.
When we were pregnant with our first we gave up our partying ways. I got a steady job but also started playing computer games. The gaming took over my life. I'd come home from work and game. Weekends, game. I'd be grumpy if we had stuff on because that's mostly what I wanted to do. I looked after my family but still gaming was my focus. It made me feel good, I was exceptional at it and others told me so.
Fast forward. I was diagnosed with ADHD April 2017. I went on medication that helped me amazingly. I got an ADHD coach which I see every 6 weeks. I started to get my life together starting with work because that wasn't going so well. We decided to work on the gaming once I got certain frameworks in place.
On Xmas eve, my wife told me she's had enough and wanted me to move out. I've ignored her for so long and she's built up a strong circle of friends. Her needs are filled and she doesn't need me anymore. I don't say this lightly, this was easily the worst day of my life and I've had some pretty bad day's. I managed to convince her to let me stay. I was devastated and self worth is now zero.
I gave up gaming, happily! That led to another issue where because I had no outlet for my fatigue, no affirmations of how good I was and many hours available to me. I hyperfocussed on her and our relationship. Because she had built a life without me in it, I was alone. Whenever I tried to be part of it, I smothered her and undid any progress we made. We've had good days and I felt things were improving to be shot down days after. She doesn't like the idea of counselling but I've managed to get her to agree to see a marriage counsellor who has experience with ADHD next week.
But today she said that she doesn't even see me as a friend and there's little future for us. Ut then, not long after she said that she loves me.
You can only change yourself. I've given up gaming entirely. I've been doing Mindful meditation that has helped me to get a grip on these rollercoaster emotions. I've learned her love language "Acts of Service" and make sure I speak it whenever I can, at least once a day. I'm even giving her space which is very difficult for me. Still one minute we're OK but then we have no future. Her circle of friends are all in the middle of breakups, though for infidelity. I've never cheated. She's not willing to spend time with me for many reasons.
I love her. I've loved her since the day we met. I love all of her - flaws and strengths. She is funny and smart and a joy to be around. She completes me. I want to spend my life with her and always have.
Right now, it's 4am. I'm broken. No self esteem left. Emotions are overwhelming and the pain is indescribable. I have no friends or family to lean on. I'm trying to remedy this but this takes time too.
I'm looking for help. How can we repair our relationship? How can I repair what damage I've done? This is 100% my doing. I've ignored her for so long without realising, and now that I have some clarity I'm terrified it's too late
Again, sorry for the wall of text. Though it does feel good to get this all out.
Cherish
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
Cher·ish (verb)
1) protect and care for (someone) lovingly
2) hold (something) dear
3) keep (a hope or ambition) in one's mind
To me, it's very simple. If you have someone in your life that is important to you and you want to keep them in your life, you must cherish them. If husbands and wives cherished each other from the the first day of their marriage, divorce would be practically non existent.
Thank you
Submitted by Chardy on
That's now one of my favourite words.
I cherish my wife. I cherish our relationship. I cherish my children. I cherish my family.
I'm not going to give up. There is a lot of uncertainty, resentment, insecurity and anger. Little love, kindness and support. It really hurts and I don't feel I can speak up without making things worse.
I've made myself a better person and making new improvements every day. It hurts that she's not there to celebrate my achievements. It hurts more that she cheers her friends through theirs.
When I fail, I have no support. But she's quick to bolster her friends through their challenges.
I know it will take time if we're going to succeed but I'm having trouble dealing with the pain while this happens
Thanks again,
R
She will see you change..Unless it's just about the challenge...
Submitted by c ur self on
Addiction to challenges....Gaming is a challenge....From your comments your wife was a loving wife and mother for years, she was easy to ignore....No Challenge....Now she is gone in heart....She's a challenge again....
I suggest you count your blessings and just be the best man and Father you can be going forward...Forgiveness may or may not come from your spouse...All you can do is correct your life (a disciplined and self controlled man and Father) and she can't help you with that....
wishing you the best....
C
Insightful
Submitted by Chardy on
Thank you. I see your points and i find them insightful.
The last paragraph is stunning in it's simplicity and has clarifies what I need to strive for. And has brought some peace to my turmoil.
I've failed many times in my life so I tend to avoid challenges. I have a well developed fear of failure. That is likely part of why I feel so bad, that I'm failing the most important thing in my life.
I played games because there was no challenge in them. It was something I could succeed in very easily and recieve positive feedback from others. I avoided challenges even in games.
I see what you are saying, and I hope that I'm not being ignorant of that tendency in me.
But thank you again for introducing a positive path should our family break
R.
Insightful
Submitted by vabeachgal on
This is insightful to me also. I can see why my husband pursued things that were easy for him and from which he also derived positive feedback. He's a great employee. He receives constant positive feedback and is well loved at work.
As a wife with many obligations and duties, it is very, very hard to be the constant giver of positive feedback when you personally get none in return.
I can see how this dynamic played out. He took the path of least resistance and gravitated toward easy things that he will easily succeed at and for which he receives immediate praise.
In fact, I could accurately look back and realize that things went downhill after the initial period when he did not continuously receive courtship level praise from me. In part, because he stopped being deserving of it (neglectful behavior, non partnership attitude, lying, etc etc) and in part because, just like "safe spaces", this is not how life really goes down.
Unfortunately, family life is a little more complicated than no challenges and constant praise. I'll go a little further and say it's kind of a recipe for raising entitled kids. In short, it's juvenile and immature behavior.
Part of what makes me feel
Submitted by Chardy on
Part of what makes me feel frustrated and upset is that I grown so much in the last few months. I've realised and worked on the gaps. I'm lucky as part of my journey of discovery has led me to learn that it's not just positive feedback that works, I respond to being touched, hugs, kisses and even holding hands. I also respond to spending quality time - walks, gym, any shared experience. Even just going to a restaurant or sitting together and talking.
These are things that she needed in the past and is probably the reason she fell in love with me in the first place. It would be easier if I was a stranger - a horrible reality.
I dont shy from my familial responsibilities anymore. I do whatever chores need doing. Dinner, laundry, dishes, vacuuming, shopping, clean the bathroom, whatever. I spend quality time with the kids and help them with homework. I put them to bed every night.
I'm proud of the changes.
It doesn't matter how she responds, I will show her that I love her every day.
Still agony though
It's a tough road is all I
Submitted by Jon on
It's a tough road is all I can say. I get much of the same, in that my non ADHD wife of 15 years is all over the map. One day she says she loves me, and the next she either wants us to separate, or to divide the house into entirely separate living quarters.
Sometimes I feel that she just wants to exile me to someplace where I can still be a useful idiot but not have to interact with me in the way couples do. We haven't shared a room now for about 12 months, because she says she go tired of the constant mess and chaos. Interestingly enough, It's far easier to keep it tidy now she is not in it. But in the end the goal posts just keep moving and there is no credit for simply obtaining "normal" or what is expected so don't expect any, even IF it takes you a mother load of effort to get there.
I also feel that once the fire goes out, I think it's incredibly difficult to rekindle it. I desperately hope it to be different, but to use a motorcycling analogy, sometimes you run out of road before you even realize what is happening and once in that situation it's very difficult to get control back again no matter what you do.
I really want to be able to offer some sage, positive, hopeful advice, but the truth is it's all I can do to not hang myself from the door much of the time. My only advice would be to do some seriously HARD exercise and focus on building a circle of friends yourself. And don't isolate yourself because from my experience when you do that, death comes knocking. All you can do is concentrate on making yourself better and to broaden your horizons and find people to share with.
Oh wow, C
Submitted by Zapp10 on
You said it so well.
My H has seen himself as an adventurer.....in many ways.
What I have come to see is he adventured in the same ways...over and over. He explored only the areas he KNEW. If he wasn't familiar or knowledgeable with destination, people, games, venues ..they were off the table. We saw and did the same things over and over....it was his comfort zone because he KNEW and could control his environment.
I realized this only in the last few months. We are still separated and are making progress s l o w l y....but it is progress. I will not move back and he is not good with that but I know what is best for me. I do not view staying married as the goal. I do view Living Life my goal....truthfully, with joy and gratitude. I think he is rather surprised that I am determined and unwilling to settle for anything less than full participation from him concerning addressing the ADHD, emotional immaturity and marriage. I have come SO far in the last few months. It sounds crazy.....I feel like I am meeting the me I was meant to be. He isn't to blame.....I would have most likely done the same thing with someone else.
Truthfully, I believe the emotional immaturity is far more difficult than the ADHD.
Thank again for the idea of ....challenge.
He needs to deal with it
Submitted by Chardy on
One of the biggest challenge your husband will face is to actually *start* to work on his condition as just the idea is daunting. But the rewards are amazing. Forgetting less, experiencing more, not feeling like an outsider or an imposter. Actually being reliable most of the time. Being able to relate and to feel love and belonging.
Does he realise what a gift he has by you only requesting that he do something that would be for his own growth? Though note that he may feel he's failed and is discouraged about trying again.