Sorry for the long post. And I don't know what forum post this in.
My wife an I have been together for 19 years. We have been through a lot together and built an amazing life so I thought. We have 3 wonderful kids, 14, 11 and 8 years old.
When we were pregnant with our first we gave up our partying ways. I got a steady job but also started playing computer games. The gaming took over my life. I'd come home from work and game. Weekends, game. I'd be grumpy if we had stuff on because that's mostly what I wanted to do. I looked after my family but still gaming was my focus. It made me feel good, I was exceptional at it and others told me so.
Fast forward. I was diagnosed with ADHD April 2017. I went on medication that helped me amazingly. I got an ADHD coach which I see every 6 weeks. I started to get my life together starting with work because that wasn't going so well. We decided to work on the gaming once I got certain frameworks in place.
On Xmas eve, my wife told me she's had enough and wanted me to move out. I've ignored her for so long and she's built up a strong circle of friends. Her needs are filled and she doesn't need me anymore. I don't say this lightly, this was easily the worst day of my life and I've had some pretty bad day's. I managed to convince her to let me stay. I was devastated and self worth is now zero.
I gave up gaming, happily! That led to another issue where because I had no outlet for my fatigue, no affirmations of how good I was and many hours available to me. I hyperfocussed on her and our relationship. Because she had built a life without me in it, I was alone. Whenever I tried to be part of it, I smothered her and undid any progress we made. We've had good days and I felt things were improving to be shot down days after. She doesn't like the idea of counselling but I've managed to get her to agree to see a marriage counsellor who has experience with ADHD next week.
But today she said that she doesn't even see me as a friend and there's little future for us. Ut then, not long after she said that she loves me.
You can only change yourself. I've given up gaming entirely. I've been doing Mindful meditation that has helped me to get a grip on these rollercoaster emotions. I've learned her love language "Acts of Service" and make sure I speak it whenever I can, at least once a day. I'm even giving her space which is very difficult for me. Still one minute we're OK but then we have no future. Her circle of friends are all in the middle of breakups, though for infidelity. I've never cheated. She's not willing to spend time with me for many reasons.
I love her. I've loved her since the day we met. I love all of her - flaws and strengths. She is funny and smart and a joy to be around. She completes me. I want to spend my life with her and always have.
Right now, it's 4am. I'm broken. No self esteem left. Emotions are overwhelming and the pain is indescribable. I have no friends or family to lean on. I'm trying to remedy this but this takes time too.
I'm looking for help. How can we repair our relationship? How can I repair what damage I've done? This is 100% my doing. I've ignored her for so long without realising, and now that I have some clarity I'm terrified it's too late
Again, sorry for the wall of text. Though it does feel good to get this all out.