I need a list for the list!

I've been trying to reading books and read the forum and I'm trying follow some of the advice given.  One of the main ones that keeps coming up is "make a list".  Earlier this week I had some me time (per our counselor) so I sat down with my DH before I left and we agreed on what he would do that night while I was gone.  When I got home - none of the 4 items had been done.  I asked him if there was anything I could do to help him remember.  He replied "a list would be great". 

**banging my head against the wall**

When I reminded him that I had made a list he got very defensive, told me that he'd done everything that night (in regards to the kids, supper, etc.) and asked what more did I want?  Well apparently a lot more.  I know I'm never going to walk into a perfectly clean home but I also don't feel like it does me any good to have "me" time if I'm just going to come home to twice as much work then if I'd just stayed home in the first place. 

My DH doesn't seem to be as bad as some of the post I read , he's not as forgetful and can do things, but it is still frustrating never the less.  I feel as though I do 90% of the work load and if he does his 10% share I should be happy.  I know it will never be 50/50 but I was hoping for more along the lines of 70/30.  Is this completely out of the question?

The other thing I'm struggling with is how I can tell if he didn't do something because of the ADHD or simply because he didn't want to?  I hate cleaning just as much as he does but it still has to be done.  I'm trying really hard to not be as particular as I was before.  When it comes to the laundry - he likes to wash/dry so I do the folding and put it away (otherwise it would sit in the baskets).  Right now our house is semi-clean and I'm trying to stay on top of it before it gets out of control.  Are there any other ways to remind him (without making him feel like a child) w/o using a list?