I need a list for the list!

I've been trying to reading books and read the forum and I'm trying follow some of the advice given.  One of the main ones that keeps coming up is "make a list".  Earlier this week I had some me time (per our counselor) so I sat down with my DH before I left and we agreed on what he would do that night while I was gone.  When I got home - none of the 4 items had been done.  I asked him if there was anything I could do to help him remember.  He replied "a list would be great". 

**banging my head against the wall**

When I reminded him that I had made a list he got very defensive, told me that he'd done everything that night (in regards to the kids, supper, etc.) and asked what more did I want?  Well apparently a lot more.  I know I'm never going to walk into a perfectly clean home but I also don't feel like it does me any good to have "me" time if I'm just going to come home to twice as much work then if I'd just stayed home in the first place. 

My DH doesn't seem to be as bad as some of the post I read , he's not as forgetful and can do things, but it is still frustrating never the less.  I feel as though I do 90% of the work load and if he does his 10% share I should be happy.  I know it will never be 50/50 but I was hoping for more along the lines of 70/30.  Is this completely out of the question?

The other thing I'm struggling with is how I can tell if he didn't do something because of the ADHD or simply because he didn't want to?  I hate cleaning just as much as he does but it still has to be done.  I'm trying really hard to not be as particular as I was before.  When it comes to the laundry - he likes to wash/dry so I do the folding and put it away (otherwise it would sit in the baskets).  Right now our house is semi-clean and I'm trying to stay on top of it before it gets out of control.  Are there any other ways to remind him (without making him feel like a child) w/o using a list?

Pink's picture

clean

my husband clean but not clean as I like it. I learn to just let him do his way or otherwise I have to do it. I do not make a list.  We make a day to clean... so the bathroom is his. Whatever way he wants to clean it that is fine.  He needs to put the dish in the dishwasher and away. I don't worry much.. because the dishwasher will wash the dish... how he put them in their... I might not like it... but I learn to ignore it... the job is done and the dish are clean.  I don't like how he fold the clothes. He take 3 hours to do it... I just gave him on that... I do the laundry and it take me 1 1/2.  sometime I let him put the clothes away. Broom and map.. he does a bad job... but if I have lot of things to do... I just let him map at least the floor look clean.

There are other things I do to make my life easier and his. for example: I got a vacuum to clean the broom the floor. (now it is broken, he complain that he can't broom good). We need a new one.

-Toys put away in bin - every 3 months we take everything out and fix it them up. He doesn't like it..but the kids like it.. because they see all the toys on the floor.. that way I get to clean it. He get mad first then... he let it go...

What I see is most of the time.. they do not want to do something.... I don't let my husband not to do something because of his ADD. I know man without ADD are lazy and don't like to clean the house and they think that is the wife job. But I don't allow his ADD get into the house when it time to clean it. If it take him an extra time to put the dish away I just have to accept it and let him does it his way... otherwise, I will have to do more work.

So, Pick things you know he can do and you don't mind that they might not be the way you want it. Like cleaning the bathroom then... you can polish it at the end... put the dish away... or even do laundry... but you might do the folding. Put the toys away...

Life is not prefect... with ADD person or not.... just lose up... and don't let ADD be part of it.

Also, I leave my husband with the kids... when he is with the kids that all he can handle. I tell him not to make a mess and to clean up... but he get so focus on the kids and he just spend time with them. And he does make super every night. That is a worry free... I am not too happy when they make a big mess and doesn't clean up... but I know the kids were feed and playing safe at home with their father.  I know it is not easy to be with the kids the full time. But we do come to a day to clean up... or when I get home... I said okay thank you.. now I am home.. please help me pick up the toys or put the dish away. Rather me asking him why the toys on the floor... I said oh you guys have a lot of fun... what a day... then let do a 10 min clean up. (I get the kids to clean too). He doesn't feel you must do all the work...

The List!

Arguably I am very new to both this forum and the diagnosis... I'm learning a lot all the time, but when I read your post I laughed out loud.  Not because it was funny, but because I live it almost everyday.

My husband requests a list, "Please Kell, just write it down and I'll do it.  I don't mind that you tell me what needs to be done, in fact I like it."  One would think that was a good thing and I suppose that in many ways it is good.  The downside is that I still need to know what needs to be done and I'm directing/managing the household tasks.  I suspect folks will chime in here and say, "at least he is willing.  At least he is trying."  And yes, I appreciate that he does... but!

But... it means I'm still responsible.  If it doesn't go on the list, it isn't done and it's because I didn't tell him to do it.  In essence it takes the shared responsibility from us and puts it squarely on me.  This is hard to accept, and I'm working on it.  I really am, but I don't want to be his mother... I'd rather he come up with tasks that need doing.  My challenge is to recognize and deal with his inability to think the way I do. 

I didn't mean to vent here, honestly.  I do love my husband and I have hope.  I just get tired of managing/maintaining/keeping track of everyone in my family.  It is daunting and difficult (we have 3 daughters ranging from 7 years to 14) and we both work full time and I'm a part time graduate student.  I'd like someone to take care of me once and a while.

YES!

You describe exactly how I feel a lot of the time Kellhb.

He is very willing to do things, but even a list of some sort gets forgotten or not looked at, and I have to remind him all the time.  We have been trying to routinize some things, like he'll do the kitty litter on Tuesdays and Fridays and usually it gets done that day or the next.  Too many times though, the house stinks of kitty when I walk in the door and I have to tell him.  

I feel the same way about reminders, if it's always me who has to remind him - even though he then happily does the task - it still feels like my task. I have to think about it, I'm the one who is bothered that it didn't get done, I have to remind him and feel like I'm nagging.

I'd also love to be taken care of, to not have to think about everything and everyone for a day or two.  That would be great. Ahhhhh (sorry, got stuck in fantasy land there for a second).

I lost it this past weekend

I lost it this past weekend for that exact reason.  We were supposed to be cleaning out the barn even though I don't feel like I'm the one who made it a mess.  As I started looking around I got overwhelmed.  He was putting things where they didn't belong (I'm pretty peculiar about how my barn is kept) and sweeping when the alley was no where close to being ready to sweep so I asked him to stop for a minute.  He made a comment "well I'm not the one that messed it up" - that's when I lost it.  He is the one that messed up the barn, he messes up the house and anywhere else that he goes.  He doesn't put things away so when he can't find his stuff he uses mine because he can find it (because I put my stuff in the same spot when I'm done) and then when he's done with it, he doesn't put it back so then I can't find it.

I'm so tired of picking up after him.  My kids (even my young one) know better.  They only time they don't pick up after themselves is if dad is watching them and that is because they know they don't have to do it.  I feel like I'm always picking up after him.  If it isn't the house it is the barn, if it isn't the barn it is the trailer, if it isn't the trailer it is the yard or some where else.  I know he's trying so I do feel guilty for not giving him more credit but his trying doesn't make it any less frustrating for me right now.  I feel like I stopped having children after the second one because I knew I couldn't handle more then 2 kids - I never put my DH into that equation.  I still can't handle more then 2 kids, but now I feel like the worst "kid" is my DH.

When you mentioned sweeping

When you mentioned sweeping before things were ready to be swept, that really reminded me of the way my husband does some chores.  For example, if he is asked to vacuum, he will not pick up anything off the floor, he will just run the vacuum AROUND whatever is on the floor (toys, books, even pieces of trash that are too large to vacuum - they all get vacuumed AROUND).  It drives me nuts!  When I vacuum, I move EVERYTHING, even small pieces of furniture, so the floor actually gets clean. 

If I see him vacuuming around stuff, and I say something like "You might want to pick stuff off the floor before you vacuum, so the entire floor will be clean." he will get angry with me and either make a snotty comment about how he was GOING to do it, or else make an even snottier comment about "If you don't like the way I vacuum why don't you do it yourself".   Or else just flat out ignore me and act pissed off at me for a few hours.

So, basically, I do all the vacuuming now.  And laundry.  And dishes.  And the litterbox. 

 

Mine started to pour Pine Sol on the floor ...

We were cleaning the bathroom and he found the bottle of Pine Sol which had fallen behind the toilet. He went to pour it on the floor, which we hadn't swept or picked up yet, just straight, not mixed in a bucket. I had to stop him.

I got the same ugly "If you don't like the way I do laundry, do it yourself" when he ruined a shirt of mine. He knew when he said it that I am afraid of the laundry room, having had some bad falls in there. Apparently, if you are married to someone with ADD, you are supposed to accept that your clothes will be ruined and not complain about it.

They are capable of learning. Mine graduated from college so he must have learned something. But they won't learn if it's not "stimulating" and I'm darned if I know how to make changing the litterbox, laundry and cleaning the bathroom "stimulating."

I'm sorry - I'm LMAO because

I'm sorry - I'm LMAO because my DH does that too.  Drives me nuts!  If I ask him if he's going to pick up the floor first his typical response is "I did".  I figure we have dogs so it won't hurt to do it twice any ways - we'll just get more dog hair up. 

I really am trying to be more empathetic and trying to "think" like him but every once in a while I just loose it.