I need non-reactive advice

We've been married almost 20 years. In the past year, I was "formally" diagnosed with ADHD, although I have been indirectly treating it for 6-7 years (with therapy, meditation, exercise, etc.... I knew those were good things, but they seemed to really really help me). I was diagnosed with ADHD because of how my symptoms presented, but when I did the neuropsych evaluation, I was told my executive functioning and attention skills were average to above average.  My cognitive skills were top 1-2%, though... and it was surmised that the discrepancy between the two likely led to a lot of the same emotional feelings common to ADHD (not living up to potential, etc.). 

I start with that just to point out that I don't think my ADHD is typical in how it presents (anymore). I've always been a hard worker. Always done well at my jobs. Got promoted and promoted and promoted. It took me until I was 25-28 to get a handle on things. And I feel like I owe a lot of that to my wife. Everyone told me what a good influence she was on me. And she was! I wanted to please her and do right by her.  We met when I was 24 (she was 22), and she was oh so patient with me.

Things started going downhill when we had kids. Part of this might've been me and the ADHD but I think part of it was her own background. (Broken home, hints of abuse, but I could never get a full story.)  We have three wonderful kids, but over the years, she got more and more frustrated with me, when I thought things were moving in a positive direction.

We're a single-income family. By chance. (I started working two jobs during the great recession, and she couldn't find work, so it made sense for her to stay home with the kids... and then we wound up homeschooling by chance because our oldest missed the cutoff date for kindergarten by two weeks and we didn't want to pay for another year of pre-school... then moved to a district where public school wasn't an option). I point this out just to say I think there's some resentment in there about roles/responsibilities and patriarchical gender roles that she dislikes. But I thought we were doing it this way as a choice, not because women are supposed to do X and men do Y. 

It took time, but over the years, I started doing more and more around the house. Even after I started making enough money to send the kids to private school 4 years ago. At this point, I'd say housework is 50/50 even though I'm the only one working!  (We listed it out, and in fact, I'm doing more than she is, although she would say that there's invisible mental labor that's not captured... but she also refuses to say what it is.)

Long story short... and this is where it gets rough... this has been a year from hell.  We had been seeing counseling. She wanted to stop.  I switched jobs to take a riskier opportunity that promised more career growth, and it didn't work out.  Calculated risk (that we both agreed to) but I was laid off in June. Haven't been able to find anything other than a bit of freelance consulting here and there. It's been really stressful. 

Our fighting has gotten worse. We are both understandably stressed.  She says she feels "harassed" by me.  I feel like I can't show any frustration. And I know with the ADHD - even when treated - I can be a little... not all over the place... but I have lots of thoughts. And given her background, she's very sensitive to any kind of stress.  If I so much as so frustration, she says I'm being emotionally abusive. She's spent the past months calling me a monster, an abuser, controlling, a narcissist, and she has been lashing out at me in odd ways. I don't think I am any of those things! Although I do understand that you can feel abused without someone being actually abusive. Anyway... as the stress has been building, she has now hit me on two occasions. She said because I was "harassing" her. I was telling her - via text - that I was really frustrated with how she treats me and I'm at the end of my rope. She came downstairs and just started yelling at me to shut the f up and started punching me in the arms and back.

I know this is really stressful. I know hitting is waaaaay over the line. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave. I don't want to stay in an abusive relationship. I don't want to stay in a relationship where she thinks I'm an abuser. I'm at a loss. We're still seeing a counselor. But I'm in a hotel right now because I don't want to be near her and she's giving me grief about "abandoning" her with the kids. I told her I'd do whatever needs doing kids- and family-wise, but I can't be around her. I'm at a total loss.

Part of me is just saying to hold on until I find a job and the baseline stress should be much much lower at that point.  Right now it feels like there's not any room for rational conversation.

Long post.  Lots of words. And probably only 2% of the total context. Feels good to type it out, though.