I have posted here a few times before and I need a pep talk. My DH of 13 years has ADHD, on 30 mg of Adderall XR. Here's the thing: how do I get my needs met when he is checked out? His engagement with us (me and our boys-ages 7 and 9) is very inconsistent. For several weeks he is his nice regular self and then there will be a period of checked-out-ness. I doubt an outside person would even notice, but I sure do and the kids are starting to also. A few examples: there has been no sex in my house for a good six weeks. This is way too long for me and I have brought it up many times and NOTHING changes. DHs bedtimes are also very inconsistent--he will go several weeks of turning in at 9pm and then weeks of up until 11pm. I go to bed pretty much at 10pm every night, so either he is already asleep or not yet in bed. If I am reading he will just turn over and go to sleep without a word. When I bring it up he says, well, you were reading I didn't want to bother you. Oh please--we have been married for 13 years--bother me!!! Another example: today he was off because our boys had a half day of school but I had conferences all day (I teach at the same school the boys attend) so he picked them up at 11:30. I had made two doctors appointments for them this afternoon. Yesterday I wrote out the schedule--pick up time, appointment times, swim lesson times, what was for dinner--that was totally helpful, except for the fact that he didn't know where the two appointments were having never been to those doctors. Last night I asked if he wanted to know where he was going and he said not now, I'm really done right now. Well, fair enough, but these take place tomorrow, when should I give you that information then???? So I told him this morning, but then I am running around trying to get out the door to MY job. Here is what I am getting at: I take care of EVERYTHING of any importance. When I am feeling burned out and used up there is no one to turn to, no one to pick up the slack for a bit while I lay back. I pay the bills, make and keep the appointments (except today and it was a fair project), I make our social arrangements (schedule the sitter, plan the event). On Saturdays I used to sleep in but I don't any more because the three of them basically sit around waiting for me to get up and make a plan. I am truly exhausted right now and it's too bad because who is going to do this stuff if I don't???? I am feeling very woe is me, put upon right now. We are going out on Saturday night--I got the sitter, emailed a bunch of friends to meet us for dinner, it will be a great evening, but all he has to do is show up. Sunday I am going to a fancy brunch with a friend and he will take them home and it will be fine, but meanwhile nothing will get done at home. He did do laundry last week, but I sorted it and told him what temp. everything needed--it would not have occurred to him to look in the hamper and do it himself.
Gosh, I make is sound like DH is useless and that's not it. I wonder often how others married to ADHD folks deal with the inconsistent engagement. I am starting to resent that I do such a complete, thorough job of making sure his needs are met (as part of our whole family, not in some weird spoiling way) but I don't get the same courtesy. I often say to him, hey, take some time for yourself on Saturday, I'll plan something for me and the kids, but he rarely says the same to me. Reading the posts here I accept that the non-ADHD person pretty much has to run things or they don't get done, but what happens when the non-ADHD person needs a breather from being the manager of the family? then who do I call????
thanks for the venting space.