It's been a little more than 5 months since my wife moved out into the spare bedroom. It's been a little more than 4 months since I was diagnosed with ADHD and started treatment.
I'm happy with myself and the progress that I've made... Physically, emotionally, socially, professionally, I'm doing far better than I was a year ago. I'm making improvements to myself and to our home. I'm getting along with my kids better than I ever have. I'm getting back into some of my stress-relieving hobbies. I'm getting out and learning new things and making new friends. I cook, I clean, and I get all the bills paid.
But I feel like I'm just about at the point of giving up on my relationship with my wife. I'm beginning to have a hard time keeping up my motivation to continue trying to make things better with her, when she makes no effort in return.
When she moved out, she said that it was with the intent of getting a little distance and improving our relationship and regaining our friendship. It seemed to be working at first. But now, almost half a year later, it feels like the situation hasn't changed, except that she's sleeping in a separate bedroom with no physical contact of any kind -- I haven't gotten so much as hug from her since Father's Day. She said if the arrangement wasn't working out, we could talk it over... Well, I've been trying to talk it over for weeks, and she keeps dodging the issue.
She ignores me when I try to talk to her. She avoids me when I try to spend time with her. She doesn't pay her fair share of the bills, but always complains about having no money. She doesn't do her fair share of the household chores, but always complains about the house being a mess. She hasn't been paying as much attention to the kids as she thinks she has. She refuses to go to couples counseling and she quite literally runs and hides if I confront her about our problems, but insists that nothing will change and nothing will ever get better. And yet, even though she's threatened it, she's made no actual preparations to leave or to file for divorce.
Throughout our entire marriage, whenever there's things have gotten difficult in an important way, she ignores the problem, hides from it and waits for it to go away. It never does. And she's doing it all over again in a huge way.
I don't think I can keep going with the status quo. Being separated in the same house without her cooperation, makes me feel like I'm beating my head against a wall... like I'm dragging an anchor... like I'm slogging through mud. I start feeling pride and satisfaction over a personal success or just feeling happy about life, and I can't share it with her. If I try, her attitude drains it all away.
I want to move forward... I want to either complete the split and move on without her, or to work together with her as a team to rebuild our relationship.
Either way, I'm feeling down about it and I need a pep talk... I either to regain the patience and fortitude to continue waiting until she's ready to work with me, or the courage and strength to end it.
My next counseling session is Monday. I'm waiting until then to get my coach's opinion, but I'm on the verge of giving my wife an ultimatum, of sorts, to force a decision...
A) If you're going to stay, you need to make an effort to be more involve with the family and to really try to make things better... You need to help more with the bills, help more with the housework, learn something about ADHD (because the kids probably have it too, and you're not helping them the way you should) and start going to marriage counseling with me.
B) If you can't do that, then you need to move out and find your own place to stay.
C) If you can't do that, then I'm moving out and finding my own place to stay.