Hi everyone!
I was diagnosed with ADHD about 6 months ago. I’m in my late 20’s with 2 kids and a fiancé G. Pre diagnosis was rough on all of us as the drs could say was it was just depression. But after 2 attempts of suicide a mental health worker suggested getting checked out.
After getting diagnosed with ADHD and I started taking the meds I found I wasn’t as forgetful, the dark thoughts stopped and I realised I wasn’t useless anymore. The fighting stopped between my partner and I for a while and even tho I had pushed her away that many times, she stood by me and got me through the toughest times.
What I need help with is working out how to not be so forgetful with things like leaving food out, forgetting to lock the door and forgetting conversations. I am trying my hardest to be the best partner, father and friend but the little things I feel I have no control of are really putting pressure on the family. I’m starting to feel useless again and that nothing I do is good enough. I’ve tried to tell her all this but it’s not helping. I can’t go back to who I was before. For me to say it’s just my adhd isn’t good enough, I need to work out how to do better. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy?
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Have you investigated cognitive behavioral therapy as part of your managing your ADHD symptoms? Review Orlov's book and messages on this site that describe additional steps you can take beyond your medication to help manage your ADHD symptoms.
Cognitive behavioral therapy
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
CBT helped my fiancee. I couldn't imagine him being unorganized, and losing things.
First of all -
Submitted by Sollertiae on
First of all - congratulations on getting this far (and this stable).You have done a huge amount.
The rest is the work of a lifetime and about your own journey - and prioritising what is actually most important. Hah. Great for ADHD I know. Teaching your brain to slowly learn new habits, when it really doesn't want to.
As others said, it is a good idea to explore some coaching for strategies and support, plus some good CBT and support as you have suffered in addition to the ADHD. But maybe reach out to find some of the ADHD community online? Starting with people like HowtoADHD on youtube and DaniDonovan on twitter. It might help give you a sense of not being alone (there is an active community around them) and they have a lot of great short term tips/easy to access (designed to keep focus) material for managing clutter, memory etc.
Thank you for the suggestions
Submitted by Spud on
Thank you for the suggestions, I probably should have mentioned I’ve changed my like completely by regular exercise, going preservatives free in my diet, I’m part of the how to adhd community and have learned a lot from them. I did do a dialectical behaviour therapy when they thought I might have had borderline personality disorder but I will look into this CBT aswell.
Im willing to try anything in order to have a happy life with my family. Thank you to everyone who have posted so far. It’s really nice to know there are people out there willing to help a stranger and I aspire to be like you all one day in that regard
God bless you in all your efforts
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Spud, I think I speak for many on this site when I say there is nothing more that the community likes than to hear from someone who is making positive progress in managing their ADHD. You'll have wrong turns, confusion and disappointments along the way but your family needs you to persevere. God bless you in all your efforts and please never hesitate to ask for help or others' perspectives.
Hi Spud...
Submitted by c ur self on
There a few things that has stuck with me about the reality of human life....Hold your hands out and cup them...Place them under running water, they will hold just the amount that fills them...That is the way the human mind is...My wife has add...She takes adderall which speeds her up, and helps to focus...But adderall will never create more brain space, more memory space....So things will always go lacking (usually the mundane things that must be done in a family's home, and in a marriage relationship) because she makes sure her cup is running over, w/ fun stuff, and self entertaining stuff....
This isn't altogether about add/adhd either, it's mostly about bad habits, and liking them....I have to make choices everyday when it comes to life priorities....I lived most of my life w/ a ragged piece of paper in my front pocket (Had a wife, home, two kids, job, and an active busy life) that was my prioritized list for that day....I would mark through stuff I completed, and even add things I did that wasn't on there LOL...The things I didn't get to I put on the next day's list that night (the things that weren't a high priority that I could carry over)....Simple, but, highly effective...Why? Because I cared...That list was my priority, my life line to being disciplined and responsible....I had plenty of distractions other than my responsibilities...(sports, I traveled around to different towns here in Alabama playing 40 and over baseball, I loved watching college football on Saturdays, I hunted, (had coon dogs to feed and care for) I fished, I've always been active, still am at 62 and retired,,(gym & road bike)....But, I lived in a mind, that said....Keep the main thing the main thing.....And the main thing is my responsibilities to my God, my wife and family....So when something had to go because my cup was running over, it was usually (as much as would miss it, in those moments) my personal (selfish loves) entertainment activities.....I made plenty of mistakes, and still do....I've never been checked for adhd....My daughter has it....She and I are a lot a like...To me adhd is a mute point, IF, I live with a heart of love, don't seek concessions, or use others for my failure to prioritize or for just plan laziness....
Try managing your life by a simple list in your front pocket...a place where you will touch it every time you reach in your pocket for your keys....It will become second nature to look at it often through out the day....And don't live a life where your cup is running over....LIfe must be looked at in the full circle it is.....We must live in full circles....Are we move through life leaving half done projects and messes for everyone in the family or on our jobs....Then we get upset when they point it out....I asked my wife a while back, every time you get ready in the bathroom, bedroom, or fix something to eat in the kitchen, to look back before leaving the room...Just look back....She didn't say anything at the time (felt like I was picking on her)....But about a week later, she came to me, and said, I've been looking back....And I can't believe how much mess I leave for you...She didn't have to tell me she was looking back, I was seeing the results....
We just have to care!....You sound like you care.....My suggestion is the list....And identify simple habits....Make it a priority to change the bad one's....And learn where you can start good one's.....Adhd minds can't cut themselves slack....Because if they do, there want be and end to it....My wife told me once....Loudly :)....You should have known who you were getting married to!!!....What that statement means when you break it down for meaning is.....You are going to suffer, because I refuse to work on my self.....
Wishing you the best...
c
Advice
Submitted by ashley benson on
I have found...
Submitted by AmyinMo on
...that sometimes, I have to think outside the "how it should be done" box, because it's usually really just how I think non-ADHD brains do things, not necessarily how it "should" or "must" be.
For instance, everyone I know without ADHD makes a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in much the same way: get everything out, put bread on the plate, spread the peanut butter, spread the jelly, put the pieces of bread together, and then put the knife in the sink and the bread, peanut butter, and jelly away. They don't have to do it in that order to remember it all, but most do it in that order, so I used to do it that way, without really thinking about what would be most effective for me. And this is just a small, simple example.
If I do it in that "normal" order, I will usually leave something out. But if I change the steps just a little, I can complete things more easily, because I'm working WITH my brain, not against it. So I get everything out. I put the slices of bread on the plate, and immediately put the bread away, because my mind is DONE with the bread. I spread the peanut butter, and put that away. Then spread the jelly, and put that away. I put the knife in the sink at that moment, as well, because I'm done with it. Lastly, I put the two slices together, and it's important that I do this LAST, because my brain has always processed that I'm DONE with my task once the sandwich is made (and not after everything is put away).
This is just my method, and another order of steps may help you more; it's just about finding the point where your brain thinks, "done!" and working with it to complete things. Don't do the "done" step until you've seen that it's all... done. :-) Seriously, though, this takes some time, thought, and creative thinking. It's not an overnight solution, but a process.
Also, using tools to help remember things helps me immensely. I have TONS of alarms set on my phone, because I somehow always have my phone on me, despite losing everything else! Forgetting to lock the door isn't a big problem where we live, but I have learned to always do it when I close the door anyway, so that when I'm not at home, I will automatically lock the door to, say, my hotel room. What I did was to train myself into the habit. I had a full week where I knew I'd be leaving at 9 am every day that week (because my very punctual ride would honk). I would set an alarm on my phone for 9:01 with the reminder, "Did I lock the door?" I would NOT turn off the alarm until I had actually LOCKED the door, because I can even get distracted on the way back up the sidewalk, lol. (Thankfully, my very punctual driver also provided that edge of pressure we sometimes need to kick-start our motivation.) An alarm might work for you. Or you might put a post-it note on your car steering wheel to remind you not to leave without locking the door, or one on your bedroom light switch (or alarm clock, or toothbrush... wherever you're certain to see it) for nighttime locking of the door. Or save up and get one of those auto-locking timer things for your front door so it's one less thing you have to stress over.
Important conversation? It might depend on what the conversation is about... but consider taking notes or writing it in a journal, asking her to put important dates into your calendar/phone (with reminders if needed), or writing each other love letters about the topic before/after the conversation. Whatever will work for you to allow you to look back at it and be reminded. Also, for me, it helps to stick to ONE major topic per conversation, rather than a bunch of little things. (Although I realize, as I type this, I did not do that here... sorry!) :-D
Have you considered an ADHD coach? My ADHD medication helps me, too, but some days it works better than others, and it can take time to tailor and adjust the dosage and particular type of meds to what's most helpful to you. I don't have any coaches near me, so I study on my own, trying new ideas I come across, and keep what works for me, but if there's a coach available to you, they may be really helpful in finding ways to work with, or around, your brain's way of thinking. And from what I've heard, they can help you not get discouraged too easily.
Discouragement is hard for me to avoid, but it's getting better. I think the more I study and learn about ADHD, the more I realize when I'm actually making excuses for things I could do, and where I'm truly struggling with something I can't do, or can't easily do, so I need to find a workaround or solution. And I'm beginning to realize that so many well-meaning people (and some jerks) are ignorant of what it's really like for someone with ADHD, so listening to stories or talking with others who have the same struggles helps, too.
I am learning to accept that I can only control what I can control. Does that make sense? :-)
I can't control someone I care about, I can only choose how I respond. When they complain about me or what I've done, I have learned to bite my tongue and try to hear how they feel. See, I don't have to agree with them to understand and validate how they feel about it. And (this area is difficult for me) I'm learning that I don't have to explain my intentions, defend my actions, or change their mind, even if they are completely wrong about me.
If their complaint is something I did that I can change, I apologize (whether it was intentional or not) and try to come up with workable solutions. If it's not something I can change, then I just listen, but also remind them, "I would change this if I could, but I can't, so how can I help you not feel so hurt or frustrated by it?" Because my ADHD struggles don't just affect me... but it's also not my fault that my brain is wired this way. I can't change who I am... only the choices I make. :-)
I'm sorry that was so long! But I hope something in it is helpful to you.
Spud's Difficulties
Submitted by ADHD_Highway_to... on
I'm a fellow ADHDer and I've got a few things that work for me. As far as leaving food out, maybe when you take it out, put something next to it that you usually won't forget, like your phone (if you have one). For me, when I do something like that and I see my phone is missing, I trace my steps back and see teh phone as well as teh thing I was trying not to forget. Worst case, if you can't find your phone, have someone call it - again when you see it that might trigger putting the food away. I do a similar thing with things I don't want to forget to take, like important paperwork. I'd put my car keys on top of it on teh table - I can't go anywhere without the keys so when I see the keys, it triggers that I need to take the paperwork. For the door, I used to leave in teh morning thinking I locked the doorknob part of teh door from teh inside, only to find that I didn't, or if I did, I forgot my house (and car) keys and was therefore locked out. Not fun waking up my wife at 6AM for my forgetfulness. I then tried to make a conscious habit to have my car and house keys in hand as I left the door to trigger me to physically lock the door and deadbolt with my keys (that were in hand). This did take a while to develop the habit, but it worked.
As far as forgetting conversations, I'm the wrong guy to ask - I'm with you. All I could suggest is that if YOU are the one initiating a conversation, maybe follow it up with an e-mail or text or handwritten note . . . I know if I actually write something down I have a better chance of remembering it. . . but that's all I've got.