I have been reading up on ADHD alot in the past two weeks after my sister mentioned it to me because I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what happened to my husband after I married him. I would have never thought of ADHD pertaining to him but after reading about it some things really fit. Such as the Hyper focus when we were dating and than about two months after the wedding it seems like I ceased to exist and we have been married for three years and as time goes by it just continues to get worse. He is a workaholic by choice he works a full time job and than a full time job with his family so we almost never see each other. He used to make sure he had and made time for me but now it seems he doesn't care if he sees me or not. He even started a new job to were he would work less hours and he puts all of his time in at the family business. He makes plans with me and than just doesn't show up.
I believe his whole family has ADHD. They are all workaholics and if you arent working every minute that your awake your just lazy. And at first they were all very nice and social people but after the wedding they don't have much to do with me either. Besides having nothing to do with me I notice how terrible my husbands attitude has gotten towards me. I fell in love with him because he treated me differently than people in past relationship, he was sensitive, caring, easy going and just a genuinely great person. He always said he couldn't be mean to people and I totally believed him. He just had a awesome personality and it was hard not to love him and like him , he was a wonderful person and a great friend.
Well I don't believe that anymore because he treats all the rest of his family and friends and co workers great but yet he is mean to me. It's like he's somebody completely different to me than he is to everybody else. He is still the person to everybody else, the same person I met. He says horrible things to me, he's called me names, I can't just talk to him anymore, he has told me he no longer feels the need to conversate with me, (and he used to call me many times a day) and no I never hear from him, he returns texts and calls from everyone but he has told me himself on more than one occasion he seen it was me calling and he didn't answer but than he's mad that I don't call him anymore. He stays at work late many times a week and he has done this for years be it one hour or three hours and I have asked him nicely if he could just call or maybe text me and let me know and that it doesn't have to be every night but once in awhile would be nice, nope he can't do it, but he calls and lets the family business know he's going to be late.
He's so different from when we were dating if he was going to be five minutes late he was calling me. He was never disrespectful. He cared if I was sick or having a bad day. We lived a distance a part and he would drive almost a hour just to give me a hug and spend a hour with me. He would drive down to spend a hour go back home to finish work and come back down to spend the night at my house. Now I can be sick and he jokes about me dying. I'm not even a mile from him alot of times or he passes right by the house and he can't stop just to see me. I catch rare glimpses of the man he was before the marriage but they are becoming so few and far between. I have become to feel as if he hates me and it hurts so bad because at one time in my life he made me feel like the most loved and important person he had.
I am just so sad all the time and the marriage is no marriage. And everything is my fault always according to him if I would just be happy everything would be fine. He is great at playing the victim in every situation in his life. Another thing that makes this situation bad is he is a grown man ( that acts like a grown man child) that like I mentioned is a workaholic who works with his family and they have total control of his life and he allows it. Like the comment was made a few years back "What is he supposed to do go home and sit with her at night?'
I live my life alone he works all weekend he is at the family business two times a day during the week besides his regular full time job and than he works at the family business all weekend long both days, so even when he is with me he is basically falling asleep after he eats so he isn't present anyway.
I really could just go off the deep end when he claims he's doing this all for me. No he's doing this all mainly for himself and for the family business. Against my wishes he keeps paying for things for the business with our money when he is no longer receiving pay for his time. Yes one day it may be his and his brothers but the way he's going he will work himself to death long before that. And now he wants to buy equipment for the business. I don't want to be taking out loans when it's the businesses responsibility to buy equipment not ours why should it be on our dime? He would allow us to go broke when it comes to the family business it's just crazy.
He is willing to throw away everything for his work I guess that means me it feels like he already has. I'm no longer a priority to him at all. He had lost some relationships before me due to his time but he promised me he had learnt his lesson and was older and wiser and would never ever do that to me because he could never deal with loosing me and now he talks about me leaving him like it's no big deal almost like he wants me to. He treats me like I'm a bother to him.
Odd though when I explain to him how I fell about not being important and not a priority and that when he walk out the door in the morning he just forgets who I am. And why he belittles me and changed toward me so much. One minute he claims he had no choice but to change because of my actions and than the next minute he acts like I'm nuts and I'm not seeing what I'm seeing and I just don't realize and see how much he cares about me and loves me and he hasn't changed only I have and I don't love him anymore.
Besides being sad some days I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know what I want. I know I don't want to live like this. I haven't said anything to him about what I have been researching, he would never get an evaluation because he could never handle being less than perfect and have to acknowledge he can have a problem just like everyone else.
Sorry if I rambled and jumped around, I just have no one to really talk to and I don't even know if this could be ADHD but I thought it sounded as if. I just could really use some support. Thank you so much for listening to me!!!