I have been with my fiance for 5 years now. I have stayed quiet because I do not like confrontation or conflict. But honestly, I do not always feel cherished, loved, honored or respected. Instead, there are times that I feel unappreciated, lonely, betrayed, distrustful, and angry. I have been holding in a lot of anger and hurt feelings for quite some time. I have come up with every excuse in the book not to talk about it. I can no longer not talk about it. It only makes me more resentful. I know that I have let too much go and I do feel horrible for letting so much build up. But I was trying to be patient and hopeful. I was trying to place faith in my partner and our relationship. All the while, not understanding or taking consideration of his ADD. But I hoped that in telling him how I feel, that he would understand that this is my effort in making things right. He had been open in telling me how he felt, all the while I had been holding back.
We have both made excuses for his ‘acts’ by saying that is nothing more than something that he show interest in. But in the end, it does bother me. It does make me feel insignificant. I have told him how it makes me feel when he gets online and chat. Yet, he continues to and worse yet, he talks to women. But even worse than just chatting, he has expressed and encouraged the anticipation of physical contact. I know, because I occasionally check his computer and phone. I know this is deceitful, but felt I had no other choice, as he is not truthful when I ask what he was doing or who he was chatting with. Maybe that has to do with his ADD, that he is looking for that initial excitement like we had in the beginning of our relationship. I know that he has mentioned it several times. I know that we talked about how we hoped we would never lose that. But relationships do change. Everyone gets into that comfort level. Does he realize that he has made some women feel as I did in the beginning of our relationship? Ravished with both the attention and affection, because for a woman, the attention and affection are a key component to being attracted to a man. But in his mind, it is nothing more than an ‘act’ or a game. He gets so caught up in the act, that he do not realize the hurt he causes. I feel like he is so caught up in the excitement, as well as getting them to tell secrets, that he forgets to consider their feelings or even what they must think of him. Not to mention, my feelings.
He has lied and cheated, I feel, with little effort or remorse. He tries to justify his indiscretions by saying it was a mistake, but it means so much more to me. I may can excuse the act, but I cannot forgive how easily he does it. Yes, I agree that I was and can be despondent. But he assumed the worst and just allowed himself to cheat. I know it happened more than once. But either way, no matter how many times it may have or have not happened, it indicates how easily our relationship can be disregarded for his needs over mine.