I promise

that most of this is miscommunication. I have this boyfriend that I put on a pedestal, or so I do in my eyes. I'm scared he's forgotten me up there. I've been uncontrollable, and in fits of terror and paranoia, I've said things I don't mean. And I've gotten him to the point where he is angry and I don't think he likes me anymore. And I want to say that I promise, how you see me, maybe alot of it is this ADD, but I promise some of it is miscommunication.

I put him on a pedestal, and I look up to him hoping he looks down at me and gifts away to me a genuine smile, the one I used to see beaming with care for me, uncontrollable, too long ago to count; now the best I receive is a controlled, forced half-smile, awkward and falliable in quickness. And I smile hard up at him anyway, genuine and hopeful, until time and dry reactions plummet me into despair, and my smile droops quivering while my eyes melt pleading for the love to come back, albeit already grieving the loss that snuck away crumb by crumb, time upon time ago, as his disbelief in me as a kind-hearted person inflates.

His eyes, that now, if I catch them for a bit when he, with exhausted annoyance, grinds out a comment or two, eminate a sour passivity, however bland, burdened, emptied of passion, dried of care, obsolete of a promise he dismissed as fiction. And in turn, my reactions turn more and more towards stark fright, pushing him away too afraid to hurt over again.

I brought this on myself without conscious awareness. His reactions are mine to blame. Now it feels like I'm in a cave collapsed rock trap, coercing through cracks in the blocked path, love that he can't see anymore and words that he doesn't hear anymore. And aren't believed anymore; he's sorting through me, am I a myth landslide or a trusted prediction of improvement.

I dance around at the bottom of his pedestal, trying to show him my ability to progress, just as readily as to fall out under, out of touch, at a glimpse of him giving up.

Well, I miss you. I miss you so much. I'm in pain missing you. I'm in so much pain missing you. Why did God put us together only for us to fall apart? That doesn't make sense. does it 

I miss you. I want to hold you. I want to see you smile. I want to make you smile. I want to wipe away the things that I did to hurt you. I want to shut off my anxiety and depression and ADD forever for you. I miss you. Ok? I miss you. And it hUrts.

Why would God put us together only for us to fall apart? I know you might despise me now, but I still miss you anyway. I cling to the times I see in my head with you smiling so bright your eyes squeeze and your nose wrinkles at the top and you’re proud and certain of me and you’re happy I see your efforts.

I’m limp now. I want to make you happy but my mind keeps catching on the fact that I may never be good enough for you to marry. I’m scared. I know I should let you go for your own good of not being hurt anymore, but every time I do, I look in the mirror and can’t see me without you. All I can see are swollen puddles of grief spilling out of my eyes lost in a dream of the times we were laughing and looking at each other before this wreck without wondering. And without fearing. When you could look at me and be so happy and content.

I miss you. I pray that you'll stop being angry at me one day. I miss you. You know how you say I'm an emotional wreck? Well all that intensity I have for bad emotions, I have even more intensity for missing you. My stomach's a black hole pit and my heart's ripped drowning into the bottom of it's infinity. Feels like the pain of drowning without ever getting to the point of passing out, over and over, consistently again. I can't catch a breath long enough to figure out how to become complacent, still, and able to do anything without being reminded of you. And looking at the picture of you on my table smiling, and feeling my body numb falling apart, emptying on the floor raggedy because the missings too deep to explore or resolve that I may not be able to see your smile everyday in my life.

Do you understand? Will you ever hear me? I know sometimes it's irrational to hear me, but maybe you can just hear me now? please?

I love you without any condition of if you love me back.

I guess that's all I came to say.