I quit the relationship after a year

I know you are all going to jump on me for only giving it a year but I entered this relationship hoping it would be a long and meaningful journey....

On our first date she was late (even though she only lived two blocks away and I travelled over 50 kms) and she didn't even mention it or apologise, an introduction of worse things to come.

Late for almost every date thereafter, late for flights, late for dinner, late for the cinema - usually because she was doodling or playing word games on the internet, not because something important cropped up. While I stressed and blew a fuse she's completely oblivious. I now accept that she is living in an oblivious bubble that doesn't include plans, times or dates.

Conversation wise, I might as well have been speaking to the furniture. She didn't listen, constantly interrupted with something irrelevant, couldn't process information or heed warnings and had two kop outs every time she sailed into another accident which were "I didn't know" or "You didn't tell me".  I was expected to predict and prevent every stupid accident she had because "I didn't tell her", yes of course, my fault totally every time.

Then there's the forgetfulness. So many things she forgot ten minutes after the event. Information went straight through her head and was gone forever. No point saying "we only spoke about this yesterday" or "we only went there yesterday" as she's forgotten already today. Really forgotten too, no memory whatsoever.

And then there were all the unachievable ideas, the drugs I expect making her dream up stuff she could never hope to deliver. These included posting ads online trying to get sports and social groups going, looking for running buddies for early morning runs etc. Truth is she couldn't get out of bed earlier than need be and that was a bad tempered struggle, never getting back to these people to actually arrange anything. All pie in the sky.

Those are just the minor irritations. The big one that finally snapped it for me is the mess and chaos she is happy to live in. I have never met such an untidy woman ever before. Her apartment is a constant mess with used plates, cutlery, cups, glasses occupying every surface. Whatever she drops on the floor stays there permanently. Rubbish and recycling all over the place waiting to go to the bins outside. Everything with her is "I'll do it tomorrow" and tomorrow never comes. I was brought up in a clean and tidy home where Mom worked full time and still managed to keep a neat home. Subsequently, I keep my home clean and tidy. My dear old Mom (deceased) would have been devastated if she could see where I was going at weekends.  

She would often ask me for help but every time I tried to tidy the place or decorate or fix things, she would say she was pleased initially but the next day the mess would be right back and worse. I wondered if that was her passive resistance to change? I've never met anyone so difficult.

Now, if her ADHD is responsible for all this disorganisation in her personal and home life as she kept telling me, how come she gets herself to work in the City every day on time, performs the role of legal secretary and dresses herself and does her hair and make up accordingly? I'd say it's selective behaviour - or she has an identical twin.

The sadness is she doesn't seem to have any memory of our relationship, already she's on a dating site looking for someone new. She won't accept any responsibility for the difficulties and eventual failure of our relationship. Yesterday doesn't seem to figure in her life.

Do ADHD sufferers have any realisation of how their condition affects others and frankly, do they care or are they all oblivious?

Never again.



Learning experience

Good job not getting hooked. Try to remember the symptoms weren't personal reflections. Yes the ADHD person can be completely oblivious to their impacts. Those things that happen to others often aren't stimulating enough to stick. She can manage her job because getting paid is impt enough to be stimulating. That may or may not last. ADHD is a complex condition that effects each person differently. There are positive aspects as ll as negative but there's no sense is tying yourself down since clearly your aren't getting offsetting positive behavior.  Good luck.

carathrace's picture

A year

Sorry your past year was such a frustrating and unrewarding one, Simon.  I certainly can understand why your ADHD radar is going to be out in full force from now on!

In answer to your last question....ADHD sufferers have some characteristics in common, but no two are alike.  My husband has too great a realization of the affects of his ADHD on others, and is depressed and down on himself most of the time, has no joy in his life.  He cares too much.  He's probably at the other end of the spectrum from your former girlfriend.

I guess you can be thankful that you got out when you did, and that you know a whole lot more about ADHD than you did before. 

She is just not that in to you

Someone told me the truth.  It hurt but also was exquisitly freeing and just what I needed to hear.  "He is just not that in to you." After over 35 years, "He is just not that in to you."    It is freeing because in some sense, i know this to be the truth.  No amount of rationalizations, forgiveness, understanding can gloss over the reality that I know to be true (but don't WANT it to be true), He is just not that in to me, or marriage, or family or dreams, or success.  He just wants to sit in a mess and get away with doing nothing.

How do you treat someone you LOVE and commit to?  How do you treat someone you don't care about a whole lot?  

She is treating you like she doesn't care.  I am sorry.  Please find someone who deserves you. You are a gem.  Someone will appreciate you and be on your team....there are a LOT of girls who are looking for just the sort of man you are. You don't know how rare and valuable you are! Find someone who does not manipulate you or torture you or make you sit waiting for her while she does what?.... her games, her amusements, her distractions?   

I say this because I can.  I have been YOU for over 30 years. Exactly.  I prided myself on being a GOOD, loving unselfish person. My dh prides himself on being a cute puppy.....no need to do any duties....too cute and cuddly to be bothered with planning ahead or making good on promises. All dimples and jokes....no action to prove there is a heart and soul.   It does not get better.  It gets worse.  Let me be your cautionary tale. Do not give your SELF away to someone who does not care for you.


Good for you for only putting

Good for you for only putting up with this a year and after thoughtfully analyzing the relationship, deciding that it was not something that was going to change.

I'm amazed at the differences between men and women when they meet insurmountable frustration after teaming up with an untreated ADHD partner. The women frequently ignore what they see and want to keep on trying to change him, against all odds; but the men tend to logically analyze what is going on and make decisions about their own future based on their assessment. Good for you! No more waiting for someone who doesn't care enough to be on time, no children to worry about, no overdue bills, no dirty house for the rest of your life! Please help us women learn how to be realistic about the red flags we see at the beginning of a relationship.