I read sample chapters Mellisa and have a question about "normal"

Hi - I just read the sample chapters.  I do have a question about being "normal."  I read that I as the non-add souse need to realize that there is nothing broken or not normal about their add spouse. It seems that I need to take the leap to truly understand that his way of doing life and perceiving the world is not of lesser value than my "normal" ways. I fully admit I have a hard time at this. I don't think it is normal to not keep a job or even look for one. I don't think it is normal to use bank overdrafts as a valid means of money. I don't think it is normal to have nocturnal sleeping patterns.   Melissa, what is the point of treating add if there is nothing wrong with them? I am seeing a disconnect there. Maybe I need to reread the chapters. I would order the book, but my bank account is usually in overdraft. And I don't have the money to order one. It is not skipping a latte, i really don't have it, so please don't tell me to buy the book. I was just hoping for some clarification. Can I say that the behaviors are not conducive to a well functioning life? I don't know how I can talk to my husband about getting treatment if nothing is wrong. No one would voluntarily take medication for no problem. My husband is pretty against medication or non-medication treatment. He likes who he is for the most part - yes he deals with depression off and on - but overall he does not see anything wrong. That is healthy I suppose. Myself I admit don't think his lifestyle is normal. Please help me understand.



Check to see if your library has it.

I don't think anyone claimed that ADHDers are 'normal.'   Just that ADHD is a neurological condition that makes the brain function differently.  We're not 'broken,' although I often feel as though I am. 

In my adult life I have never NOT worked.  I have never earned a lot of money and surely, if I did NOT have ADHD I could have reached my full potential and would have had a successful career by now.  But  I cook, clean, take care of 2 small children and work part time.  I manage my ADHD.  Does it suck?  yes.  But it's possible. 

If your husband has depression on top of the ADHD, it's a whole other kettle of fish... I hope you can get hold of the book.  If your library doesn't have Melissa's book, please see if you can find some of the other resources listed on this site.  I hope your husband can get the help and support he needs to pull out of this.  It really is possible!


My library doesn't have it and they couldn't get it through interlibrary loan either, so they went ahead and ordered it.  Should be here in two weeks...not as quick as buying it but cash is in short supply around here too.  Ask them they might be able to do something like that for you.

Hi-Thanks for your input.  My

Hi-Thanks for your input.  My library does not have it, but once they bought a book i requested, so I can do that. You sound like you are doing a wonderful job in life...being a stay at home mom is  really hard for anybody! My husbands actually stays at home with the kids a lot. I am glad you had jobs too. I don't want a totally different husband! I married him because I saw so much potential, but without getting some sort of treatment I don't see him working. He has lots of interests which he is great at, but don't bring in any money. I think if he could get some treatment to be able to do get through the red tape and work as a teammember. I know he does not want to work, because he has had problems in the past. Hence one  of the reasons I think he should get treated. I think working would help draw him out of depression that he has off and on. And socially it would be good for him. Anyway,  like I said he is ok with the status quo. But for me it is hard that I have to be the main responsible one. We don't make enough money to survive either and I don't know what to do. He really should work to help us out more. 



Question about "normal"

People with ADHD are not "neurotypical" or "normal" as you call it - they are different, but different doesn't necessarily mean "broken."  In fact, there can be many things to treasure about the spontaneous, empathetic and often high energy approach to life that many with ADHD have.  However, research about people with untreated ADHD (or undertreated) shows QUITE CLEARLY that they have a high likelihood of suffering just the kinds of things you describe - inability to hold a job, trouble in their relationships,  chronic distractibility, financial problems of all kinds, difficulty staying organized, etc.  They are more likely to end up in jail, be fired, flunk out of school, etc.  ADHD doesn't have to be a curse, but if it is left untreated, it often is.

Research also shows that those who treat ADHD (particularly if they use medication) have a good likelihood of being able to NOT have those issues.  You should conclude that it is WITHOUT A DOUBT in your husband's best interests to really go after treating his ADHD.

Your life is made worse by your husband's lack of attention to his symptoms at the current moment, no doubt.  Remember, though, that YOU can't make the changes he needs to make - only he can do that.  Hopefully my book will help him understand why it's important for him to take on the task.