I salute all the spouses that stayed with their ADHD partners, YOU ARE GODS. YOU ARE SAINTS. YOU ARE ANGELS. 

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I decided to leave. I cannot take care of myself anymore, let alone a man-child. I feel like when my ADHD partner is around, I worry incessantly, "is he paying the bills?" "Is he looking for a job?", "how many hours of video games has he played?", "we talked about wiping toothpaste off the sink today, did he remember to do it?". 

When my ADHD partner is around, I am always on alert, "is he going to tell me I'm a thunder cunt for nagging?", I only asked him 4 times in four days whether he signed up for a job fair, that's why I'm a thundercunt. Thanks, partner, you're so supportive. 

When I'm working on graduate school work and assignments, paper-writing, student essay-grading, I am always anxious, "is he going to walk in and start forcing me to have sex?", "if I say no is he going to take it as a yes?", he only told me "You're no fun." when I refuse to have sex, and we ALWAYS have sex 3 times a week, is that not enough? 

When the ADHD partner is here, I don't relax, I can't relax, I do not know how to relax. Do you experience this?

I'm so done with dating someone with ADHD. NEVER AGAIN. When somebody has ADHD, and when you learn that person is living in the basement of his ex-girlfriend's, and that the ex-girlfriend basically kept him as a pet in the basement and provided all the groceries, gave him a credit card to swipe, gave him dinner on the table, and paid for his phone-bill, car insurance bill, internet bill, and a place for him to bring his new girlfriend to bang rent-free, RUN, RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

If you are reading this and you're thinking that you've met your Peter Pan, stop right there. Read more about what an ADHD partner can do. They will make you miserable. And I stand by that, because I experienced the lies, the deceit, the anger, the impulsivity, the inability to control their emotions, the inability to comprehend their partner's needs and functioning only on their time (which is NOW and NOW ONLY). You want to STOP pretending you can be that person to change them, or make them be a better version of themselves or that they will be gainfully employed after you've tried to schedule a routine to help him get a job, learn interview skills, do drills for interviewing for jobs.  

Never trust an ADHD'er when they tell you they're sorry, they are not sorry, they are only saying sorry so you would stop being mad at the time. Never let an ADHD'er have a second chance when they smashed your computer, threw coffee on your face, and yelled in your ear that 'you're a fucking bitch and a brat, leave me alone.' when I ask him 'why can't you get your shit together.' Yes, I want him to be employed, to set goals for himself, to be socially proper, to stop playing video games ,to stop being lazy, to live fully and not in a fantasy land of simply NOW in a no-ness.

I'm sorry all ADHD'ers, I have failed you. I don't understand you. I guess an analogy is that instead of being physically handicapped, you are mentally handicapped, but instead of getting help like getting a wheel-chair and doing physiotherapy and using the ramp like a physically handicapped would, you decided that mental handicappedness is not a source of inconvenience to yourself and others. You continue to make your non-ADHD partners worried sick, to the point that they CANNOT think and literally want to pull all their hairs and scream on the top of their lungs "FUCKING HEAR ME OUT! STOP BEING SO DIFFICULT!!!!!" 

And with that, I salute all the spouses that stayed with their ADHD partners, YOU ARE GODS. YOU ARE SAINTS. YOU ARE ANGELS. 

I'm Done

After 20 years of marriage I'm done.  I can no longer worry about everything you mentioned above.

After he started beating me thats it.  I'm 63, he is 60.

 

I wish you well, and I do understand.

Cheers!

7 years and I am worn out and done too. Cheers to those who have survived, adapted and overcame. I am not made for this "Non-ADHD" spouse job. Thank you for posting that you made me feel better for being truthful to myself.

I hear you

i hear you, and I think you did the right thing. Why waste your life enabling his bad behavior when he won't help himself? You have chosen to be a survivor, not a victim, which is the only viable healthy alternative available to you. I got out of my chaotic relationship too, and it took a while to totally be free of the anxiety over his unpredictable anger, but I know I did the right thing.  Now I have a peaceful, predictable life.  Nobody should be a martyr for their partner's bad behavior, even if they decide to stay with them. 

The winding road to freedom

I talked to my therapist the other day of my ambivalence to leave my H with 2 small children who love their playful affectionate Dad, not that they can ever depend on him but at 2 & 4 they don't really understand that yet. She explained my situation as a winding road with blind corners. That for a while I will only be able to see just in front of me and not know what will be around the corner until I reach my destination. But if I take small steps (pit stops) towards freedom I will end up making it around each corner safely and end up somewhere wonderful. I think this is a good analogy. With kids, I cannot make drastic changes and can only manage taking "pit stops" towards a change that is good for me and kids. Our lives are not in danger, otherwise, I would make a drastic change immediately. It is more that this spouse of an ADHD person is something I cannot deal with. It is me who cannot roll with the ADD lifestyle (not saying he is not at any fault). He is not a bad person he is just a very difficult person for my type of personality to understand and work with and that is ok. Pit stop on the road #1 Separating finances #2 accepting its ok this is not working for me! Not sure what # 3 is yet but most likely finding a job that makes enough money in case child support is an issue. She recommended a book to me "Crazy Time" by Abigail Trafford. Plan on reading it.