I see the cycle coming!

If you ask me, I'd tell you that going out of town on vacation is our 2nd biggest obstacle.  And we're about to go on an almost 1000 mile road trip!  To say I'm nervous or have anxiety about this trip would most definitely be an understatement.  So far, no matter how I've tried to make leaving town easier (for both of us), I still end up with the same amounts of frustration and resentment.  When DH is around his family (especially his dad and brother) we cease to exist for the most part.  He is no help with the kids, and it's near impossible to get his attention.  This road trip he's decided we're driving out of our way so that we can stay at his brother's and avoid that nights hotel fare.  His brother lives in an empty house.... no beds, couches, pillows, blankets... empty.  ....*sigh*....I know how this trip is going to go.  Just like the ones before have gone.  He gets home BEAMING of a wonderful vacation, and I'm pissed off and tired and emotional.  So, my question is.... how do I do this differently?  If I hand him responsibilities before we go, we end up leaving HOURS after we planned because he waited until the kids were bucked into their car seats before he did any of it.  He wont NOT make time to see his family.  Nor do I necessarily expect him to, I just don't see why it always has to throw off the whole trip.  I've tried asking him not to stay up till midnight or later when he knows we have to be on the road early.  I've tried adjusting the schedule, I've tried different techniques for getting his attention..... all to no avail!  Grrrr!  It's so dang frustrating!!!  This is supposed to be a yearly trip that's about spending time with my oldest son (lives with his dad), and I feel like I'm having to drag him away from his family members every time!  We see his family numerous times throughout the year, I get 2 days of visitation a year.  Ugh.... I'm really starting to dread this trip, and I don't want to feel like that.

 

I get you

No matter what I believe is the intended "purpose" of any trip, my ADHD guy tends to add in more "purposes" if at all possible.  Visit this friend, stop by and see the parents since we're so close, do some maintenance on our property ... our last summer "vacation" which was to be five glorious days at a northwoods resort, ended up being 1.5 days at the resort and a lot of running around over a 150 mile area.  I think he is afraid he will get bored, afraid he will offend someone when they chime in with plans. and/or he doesn't have a real concept of how long anything takes.    My solution for our spring vacation, when he kept dithering, changing plans, adding things, finding conflicts, delaying until it was too late for plane tickets.... TWO DAYS before the vacation was to start, I called him and said, I'm leaving at noon on Friday and driving to Florida.  You coming?  Um, ah, what about, how long, how much, um ah.  ARE YOU COMING?  He said yes.  He didn't relax until we were half way there (too late to turn around?) and he had a blast.  He still ignored me quite a bit, put off meals, made plans and changed them, but I was at the ocean, so I didn't really care.  We have agreed that I will totally plan one vacation a year, and he will totally plan the other.  I noticed you started out talking about a "vacation", but then said it is your yearly trip that's about spending time with my oldest son. Is it possible your husband thinks this is a "vacation" with lots of purposes, and you think it's something else?  I'd clarify that first if possible, or you're always going to be disappointed.  Wouldn't it be awesome if he took care of all those details and responsibilities you assign to him before the trip?  Well yeah, but why do you think that is likely?   I do departure day-4, oil change & car checkup.  Departure-3 banking, bill paying, cash getting, travel snacks.  Departure-2 laundry and packing.  Departure-1 tidy up the house (don't you love to come home to a tidy house?) and pack the car except for ditty bags and snacks.  Departure day - early start?  Put him in the car with his jammies on and a pillow and you drive the first shift.  Stop at a rest area just before breakfast time so he changes clothes, then stop for pancakes and refueling... he'll be ready to take over, the carbs will put the kids back to sleep and you can slip on your headphones and recover.  And I'd say, oh sweetie how great you want to see your brother... we'll drop you off, and the kids and I will be over at the Red Roof Inn.  WHERE THERE ARE BEDS!  Safe travels.

Thanks!

You make a very valid point.  I think I will talk with him about my "intended purpose" of these yearly visitation trips.  Do you have advice on how present that to him?  I don't want him to take it as me being a jerk. "It doesn't matter if we're passing through the town your parents live in, we're not here to see them." surely comes in a less loaded and more diplomatic form, right?

And I'd say, oh sweetie how great you want to see your brother... we'll drop you off, and the kids and I will be over at the Red Roof Inn.  WHERE THERE ARE BEDS!   -The way our finances are set up, if he didn't agree to pay for the hotel room then I'd be left to choose between the car or back to the floor for me and the kids.  Things are in the process of changing, but I currently don't have access to money.  Well, very much of it any way.  We have separate accounts, mine is almost always empty within days of him depositing money in it (I get just enough for grocery shopping, and I have a "part-time, part-time job that brings in what most people consider gas money).  So unless he hands over the card to his account, I don't see that as being a good option for me. ( His brother lives in a mountainous area and my vehicle doesn't have working heat.)  But I'm very hopeful that next trip we take, I'll be more independent and able to say that and go through with it.

Put him in the car with his jammies on and a pillow  -This made me laugh!  Cause I immediately started trying to figure out how to get him from the bed to the truck without waking him.  The minute he realizes we're leaving he's going to remember he wanted to download music to his laptop, and he'll look for things I've already packed, and that one bill was supposed to be paid yesterday, is there room in the truck for this and that...  So far, my best course of action here has been to tell him I want to leave at 9 when I know we wont get out of the driveway till almost noon.  I don't know if it's the best we can do for this, but for now it seems to be working enough.

So sorry for your delema, you

So sorry for your delema, you say you dont have acess to his money? That shouldnt be, work on that asap! And get you and your kids in a place that has beds..good luck!

Technically....

I do have access.  Through him.  And recently (in the last 6 weeks or so), he's given me the log in information so that I can see where money is going.  It's a baby step that will eventually lead to me taking over managing the finances (hopefully).  There's been a lot of miscommunications and assumptions, and the topic of our finances has been touchy with us from the very beginning. Weeks after we began dating he was ready for me to manage all the money, I was hesitant and felt a little uncomfortable about it and I think he may have taken that as rejection or maybe he thought I hadn't jumped in with both feet like he had?  But we're slowly working on the finances bit... As far as staying in a place with beds... we'll have to see how that works out.