Hi, I'm so sad and desperate for help and found this forum. I've been with my husband for 6 years, married for 2. We had a great relationship (while not perfect but had normal minor fights that were typical of any couple) up until the summer of 2019 where he began to change. He began taking Vyvance (30mg) and then added Adderall (40mg) because the Vyvance would wear out too quickly.
my husband began getting really mad at me for really minor things. He started picking on me and decided that he was unhappy with me for a number of issues. One big thing was that we have different senses of humor. I don't always get his jokes. But it's MY problem because he believes he is hilarious and all of his friends think so. I would try to explain, if I don't get your jokes, then maybe try making ones that you know are more in line with my sense of humor? That only enraged him. One time we got into a two hour fight over what he believed is and isn't an appropriate way to laugh at something. Physical comedy (i.e. Chris Farley from SNL falling on a table and breaking it) makes me laugh out loud. But most of the time, I'm usually smiling and giving a "ha!". This would infuriate my husband, and this would be when we're watching a movie! Not a joke he's made. He has jammed his elbow into my side in a movie theatre because he's so annoyed that I'm not laughing out loud even though he can see me smiling and nodding my head and it's obvious I'm enjoying myself. Anyway, that two hour fight was the most bizarre experience of my life.
So my husband decided that my sense of humor and other things were making him so unhappy and he made it his mission to try and change aspects of my personality. I, along with a few marriage counselors, tried to explain to him that you can get people to change habits but not aspects of their personality. But he didn't get it and said I was just not trying hard enough.
after over a year of this nightmare, he came to the realization that he doesn't want to change me and that he loves me for me. It was truly one of the happiest days of my life, more than our wedding day, because it has been a living hell.
what hasn't changed is the anger and verbal abuse. He still gets angry so quickly and he scares me. He will call me names like fuck face, damaged goods, psycho, wizard, simple-minded, emotionally stupid. He easily hits me below the belt and tells me how awful he thinks I am. But when he's happy with me I am the most wonderful person. He blames me for everything "i only get this mad because you make me this way. When you learn how to stop hurting my feelings then I will stop getting angry". He is very critical and expects people to answer his questions very specifically. When I try to answer the best way I can, but he's only looking for a yes or no, he has yelled "stop! I only want a yes or no!"
other things he has said which are abusive and just mean and condescending:
"you keep pressing the button when I've said to hold it down. I don't understand why you refuse to listen to me"
"we literally talked about this last summer. It is so offensive you do not remember"
"i just need you to answer the question!"
"I hate you so fucking much"
"your mom hates you"
"my mom hates you"
"even my mom couldn't believe what you said"
"you are damaged"
"good luck in your life. You're gonna need it"
I have pleaded over and over that I think the meds have changed him. This is not the man I married. The man I married was lovely, kind and sweet and would never call me names like this. But I can easily pinpoint when he started to change is when he began the meds. But my husband is in complete denial and is very good at rationalizing his behavior by blaming it on me.
i was briefly on Vyvance because he made me think I had ADD too because I wasn't giving him enough attention. So I saw a psychiatrist and he put me on meds. They did nothing for me so I stopped. But my husband would go through his meds before his refills were due and he would help himself to mine because I didn't take them everyday. I said that wasn't ok and he didn't see it that way. Well, I threw out my meds when I decided I did not want to be on them anymore and he found them in the trash, fished them out and wrote me an email about how hurt he was that I did that because I should have given them to him. He believes the meds are his "secret weapon" and his only way to get his work done.
Im trying to get him help but he refuses. He simply does not believe he has a problem and instead thinks it's all me, that I'm the one with the problems.
I'm desperate for help. If anyone has advice or has gone through something similar I would appreciate hearing your thoughts and experiences. Thank you!