I think I may have placed an unsuspecting person in the cross-hairs

The RV.

I want to share it when not in use.

The spouse does not want to share it.  Ever.  He stated, "If I can't enjoy it, nobody is going to enjoy it."

I think that is selfish and unkind.

I lent it to my niece.  All she knows of the disagreement is her uncle 'doesn't like anyone else to drive it'  so her cousin is parking it at the camp ground for her to use. 

Have I just put my niece in the middle?  Am I using her?  Should I tell her and let her make her own decision?

Ack.  I hate this.  Why do I even have ask this?  Why don;t I just know?

 

carathrace's picture

half

In most states, property is owned jointly by the husband and the wife.  If you were to get divorced, the RV would have to be sold and the proceeds divided between the 2 of you.  Right?  So, you are lending your half of the RV to your niece and you have every right to do that.  If he says "I'm not lending MY half to her!"  you can say, then let's get a welding torch and cut it in two.  (Worked for Solomon.)  Or you could say, Next time you want to use the RV, I'm not giving you my half of the permission.

It's all silly of course.  but maybe he will see how utterly stupid his objection is.

About your niece, you don't have to protect her from her uncle.  Not your job.  If he wants to rant at her, let him rant, she can handle it.  If he wants to rant at you, just repeat the same answer over and over, like "This is my decision with my half of the RV" or whatever you want to say.  Don't let him mess with your head over this.

I agree with the staying calm part...

...but under no circumstances would I EVER put it into my ADHD ex's mind to cut the RV in half with a welding torch. It would be his next big project! Ha ha!!!

In all seriousness, you can't protect other people from this sort of behavior by someone else, as carathrace says. (I am struggling with this same issue, as I cannot protect my children from it, except to try to hand them the tools to deal with it.)

Unsuspecting?

I'm So Ex,

"Am I using her?  Should I tell her and let her make her own decision?"

If she is old enough to borrow the RV she is presumably an adult. Do you think she is totally unaware of your husband's behavior?  Maybe she would not be so shocked? Is it possible that people know but just don't say anything in public or in front of you?  If she is unaware then it seems you might be letting him bully you in secret.  He seems to think that he can get away with that, and for as long as he thinks that then he will keep right on. It seems like he won't speak to her about it - if I were borrowing it I'd think it odd that he doesn't want to show me any little things I'd need to know before driving it away, check it over with me, etc.

 I'm not suggesting you should call her up just to tell her.  Only that if a similar situation arises then you could let more daylight in.

Sorry

I'm so, just wanted to say I'm sorry. Power struggles suck. Of course you are just trying to be generous to your niece and what, is the RV just going to sit there and fall apart? It does sound like your spouse is just being recalcitrant. I agree with the posters below- your niece is a big girl and if your spouse wants to be petty with her, it is his responsibility, not yours.