i think i'm done

Married not even a year but we've been together over four years and I'm fed up with the disrespect and dismissive behavior! He will do things like self medicate and when I attempt to have a conversation with him he reverts to childish and disrespectful behavior. He was anxious waiting for his adhd to be prescribed so he took a friends pill. He said he was worried about us fighting so much and that I'd leave him before he got the pills. I was unhappy about it but was understanding (this isn't the first time) so I attempted to talk to him. He responded by berating me saying I never forgive anything and just like to fight. I stayed calm and kept trying to talk. We get home and swings my car door into a tree and doesn't apologize. I still didn't yell or berate. I told him that was really disrespectful. He responds with saying "if you were smarter you would know that was out of my control." After about 15 minutes of getting no where with him I called him a choice name and stomped off to bed. He said we would talk about it "tomorrow" but come sunday he ran off to an auction but not before claiming I was yelling at him. At this point I did yell and left the house. He was gone until 15 minutes before he had to leave for work. Then he texted me before he came home asking if he can come home. I told him no because I'm tired of the arguing and lying and disrespect. He again said sorry I effed up. Thing is he wants that to be it. He uses sorry like a fix all. If I attempt to mention my feelings he starts being a jerk. He stayed with a friend that night. Yesterday his clutch cable for his bike came and he once again blew me off to do what he wanted. I told him he needed to have a conversation to resolve the issue and he told me I could talk to him while he fixed his bike. I told him no and him for a third time he was making his wants a priority over my needs. It turned into a fight. I left the house again. Once he was finished with his bike he texted me to come home to talk. I told him to move out at least for awhile. If this was an isolated incident I wouldn't be considering divorce but its like this every single time. He says I over react even when he gets me kicked out of school. He does absolutely nothing to show me it was genuinely a mistake and he feels bad about it. He expects that no matter what he's done that I should just forgive him and that all he's got to do is say sorry. Not to mention I had to take over finances because he impulsively spends money then turns around and calls me controlling. Idk how to get through to him and I feel I'm falling out of love with him.

Now the BIG question...

I'm considering (seriously) filing for a divorce.  Since I moved out in February, I have calmed down a lot and I see things more clearly than I have in a long time.

My DH is extremely argumentative, dismissing, and disrespectful.  Much like described above.  And of course, I always get blamed no matter what the argument was about.

So now, my dilemma is whether to divorce or not.  There's no doubt whatsoever that I love him.  But, I don't have the desire to spend the rest of my life with him anymore...that life has been quite toxic the last couple of years, and I don't see anything changing for the better.  Ever.

I'm quite scared and there's much to do like figuring out the finances (joint) and getting legal advice, etc.  *sigh*

I haven't felt so lonely/alone before.


You describe many of the

You describe many of the characteristics of an ADDer. My husband is impulsive with money as well although it's usually spent on small things...energy drinks, fast food, snacks, playing pool, etc. He doesn't keep track and before he knows it, he's blown $60 in three days. When I lower the boom and don't give him money to pay his overdue phone bill, he gets furious and says that I'm controlling. Although when his temper cools he says he doesn't understand why he can't help me more with the finances and he hates that I'm the major breadwinner.

My husband often puts himself first...usually it's pool which is his hyperfocus right now. I'm dreading the next few weeks because it's tournament time. Nonetheless, he can surprise me. My grandfather died recently and I took it really hard. Hubby has been great...going out of his way to call and check on me, being sweet, etc. I guess it is these flashes of humanity and love that keep me with him. He's frequently selfish and there are times I want to strangle him, want to scream, "Why can't it be about me for once?!?" But on the whole, he tries very hard with me, and I think that makes the difference.

Try going alone for a while. You'll either stand on your two feet and it won't matter that he's gone or you'll miss him like crazy. If that's the case, get him on meds and yourselves into counseling.

Best of luck.

We are currently in therapy

We are currently in therapy and he got his meds yesterday. Whether he started them I have no clue because as soon as he saw the cable he was out the door. He is really thoughtless and selfish and in total denial about it. I can tolerate that I have to be the financial one but when he calls me controlling I get miffed. If he would apologize and make an effort I'd be likely to stay. I can't remember the last time he did something sweet for me. His excuse? Cuz I'm angry. What he fails to notice is that I get angry when he does something but I don't stay mad and harp him about it. I'm still a lil resentful because after years of trying to get pregnant we finally did but I miscarried. I was really down about it and he wasn't there for me at all. He will admit to the things he's messed up then turn around and blame me. Its old. I would like to believe this wasn't all for nothing but if he can't make an effort to repair the trust and damage done then I can't go forward.
supratic's picture

Is US$60 a problem?  My wife

Is US$60 a problem?  My wife used to think I am in-capable of handling money. I earn, i spend. where is the problem? And when i snatched off the control, she started thinking I am having affair.

First she addicted me to Body massage. I realized women enjoy padicure, manicure, facial at our money and do not allow us to enjoy it. She was a beautician herself, even give facial to male clients

but never gave to me.. always too tired. Initially it was in trips to Goa/ leh/ bankok, puket/ guanzaou. When I started enjoying massage (I can afford) regularly in my home town, she started suspecting me.

I know you topic is different. Sorry.

Maybe the issue isn't

Maybe the issue isn't control. Maybe its your wife feeling excluded. Another issue can be the idea of another woman touching her husband. A good way to find out is sit down and talk to your wife at a time when things are calm. A good way to start it is: hey honey why do you get so upset about me getting massages? Maybe that sounds too womanish for you but you are after all dealing with a woman. Really most wives want to know they are a priority, their feelings and opinions matter to you and that she's being heard. Idk your wife maybe she is an unreasonable control freak but if approaching it like you have been isn't working it won't hurt to try a new approach. Good luck I hope things work out!
supratic's picture

Thx for the understanding

Thx for the understanding reply. I understand her feeling. I have discontinued body massage, feeling jealous when she goes for Facial and Padicure and manicure. Massage from male is not so good in this world. But any way, three are other problems, we were going to counseling, when she realized the counselor is supporting me and asking her to change, she backed out. She likes her lonely life. This summer when so come back from hostel.. will be her litmus test. Purchased that audio book, hope that helps. I wish she could read this forum.

Your welcome for the reply.

Your welcome for the reply. It might not hurt to find out why you're jealous of her manicure and pedicures. If its because she is doing something for her but you aren't allowed to do something for yourself-find something. Hobbies are a great way to relax. If its because of a different reason try to find out how to overcome that. If you two don't stay together then you still have issues to work through. Just ending a relationship doesn't resolve problems it just resolves the problem of dealing with them in THAT relationship. I can't say why your wife felt the therapist took your side. I would figure its probably because its very hard to hear someone say "hey this is what you do." I've been there. Its never easy to own up to the problems we have. But therapy is there to help both of you over come obstacles. Maybe she could go to her own therapy and then after awhile seek couples counseling. I'm making it sound easier then it is. :) you can only put forth an effort, work on your issues and encourage her to do the same. Ultimately she has to do the work. If she doesn't you can't make her.

"I told him to move out"

The thing is with ADDers, if you tell them to move out, they don't do it.  How can they? Then the other thing is, you can't move out because they won't pay the bills or discuss or take care of things. Eventually your requests/demands that they move out become empty threats and you become an ineffectual nag.  Anyone have any luck at this?

I don't have any good or

I don't have any good or mature way to get him to move out. My husband and I had separated for 3 months a couple years ago, oddly enough diff set of issues, and I was nice enough to give him a month to find a new place. Of course, he became an unbearable jerk so I blew up and told him to "get out now" or I'd help him move and change the locks immediately after. Sure it was ugly but it did work. I told him I needed to separate on Sunday night. He stayed with his friend but like a toxic boomerang he came back Monday. I told him he couldn't come back until he was on his meds and ready to make amends by SHOWING I was a priority. He hee hawed around with his bike then started doing a project I asked for help with awhile ago in an effort to appease me. Then of course when I told him too little too late he got mad and began berating and blaming me. He finally did leave. So I've only ever been able to get him out by blowing a gasket.