I think this is making me ill

We stumbled into ADHD just a few weeks ago. Until then it was understood in our marriage that I was a very critical, negative person. None of my friends would recognize this portrait of me at all (I have asked!) but this is what he'd say about me and to me. Until very recently I was really trying to make things work. I'd try to be more generous, kinder, tolerant, not complain about the stuff he didn't do and the work it landed on me. I'd try not to annoy him. I prioritized him and his needs so much. When things were bad, I'd try to devise clear and simple ways of making things better, but he'd not stick to them. I felt lonely, ignored, and that when I brought stuff up it was dismissed as part of what was wrong with me. I felt that I really must be a horrible person. Meanwhile I'd brought up our kids mostly by myself - while he hyper-focused, I now understand, on work (I work too). Things had got pretty bad. I'm not the kind of person to share this kind of thing even with my closest friends - it feels like disloyalty - so I was on my own with it. We tried couples therapy. It was horrendous - I felt like I was a monster, complaining about this charming, twinkly, busy, successful man in the therapist's office. I barely recognized him as the same person who was snarling at me, ignoring me, or hurt and offended over nothing and demanding affirmation from me at home. Then my partner came upon something online, followed it up, and now here we are with him self-diagnosed with ADHD. He is pursuing a proper diagnosis and probably medication. He's quite shaken by the possibility that he might have, as he says, 'something wrong with him', though I don't see it as that - I just see it as an explanation of all the tiny wounds over the years, that I struggled to get over, but he could so readily move on from. Meanwhile something is definitely wrong with me. I have hypertension and it has been getting worse; it's caused by stress. My meds have been upped and upped and I've made all the lifestyle changes and it's still not under control, so I'm now at a high risk of stroke and heart attack. And now he has a condition, and is exploring it, and seeking treatment (including talking therapy with is at least in part about how critical and negative I have been to him) I am expected to continue to manage his symptoms and my reactions to them, because they are 'symptoms'. He doesn't seem that concerned about my physical health, or that I am at genuine risk of serious harm. I don't mean to be melodramatic - that's just true. I thought I came here with questions but now I'm looking back over this and realizing I don't have questions. I just needed to share with people who might understand.