Submitted by OoohShiny on 07/31/2009.
I think that the most illuminating thing is that there are few (no?) joyful posts in the Joy in Marriages with ADHD forum.
Reading these posts and Melissa's commentary makes me think that her experience is clearly the exception and not the rule.
I agree. Melissa could you share
Submitted by Sueann on
Melissa, all I see are stories about survival of the marriage, or not. I think George must be an exceptional ADD person in that he is aware of the problem and willing to be treated. Most of our guys go around in a fog, unwilling to admit they have a problem. Please share a little more about how you pulled that off, or has he always been that self-aware.
Some of our husbands are
Submitted by newfdogswife on
Some of our husbands are aware of the problem, are getting treatment and even going to counseling but unless they are willing and able to follow through with the many suggestions given here and by a counselor, there is usually very little progress.
I agree
Submitted by Sueann on
My husband has been on ADD meds for over 2 years now. It helps him to be able to work, but I see no other changes. Don't get me started on how much lost keys, debit cards, glasses, etc. have cost us. He thinks as long as he takes his meds, and works, he's fine. He has no comprehension that floors need to be washed and you have to wash dishes every day. This means he expects me to act like a 50's housewife. He pays lip service to the idea of equality, but does nothing. I'm not a 50's housewife. I work, and go to school, and have to contend with pretty serious physical limitations. He's just totally checked out on that.
I can assure you that
Submitted by george on
I can assure you that Melissa's experiences were every bit as bad as many of the desperate posts on this site. And no, her husband was every bit as unaware as the other ADHD spouses described on the site. And yes, she was extremely miserable, and on the brink of divorce. I hope that by reading Melissa's advice, starting with her favorite posts, you can chart a course back to happiness for both you and your spouse, and have the marriage you always wanted and expected to have.
Too Late
Submitted by Sueann on
I actually expected, when I married an employed man, that he would continue to be employed, and that, if he lost a job, he would seek a new one. NOTHING he can do NOW is ever going to make up for over 2 years when he chose not to work or look for work. Nothing will repair our credit or allow us to have what two college graduates in their 40's and 50's would expect to have, a house of our own, cars with less than 100, 000 miles on them, and a secure retirement. I stayed because I was stupid enough to believe he would change, so I should support him while he "got it together." But once I gave up my alimony to marry him, I can't afford to live on my own. Once I graduate from school and and can be self-supporting, that may change.
George, I never get the idea from Melissa's posts that you went through long periods of unemployment, and expected Melissa to support you while you sat home and did nothing. That seems to be a pretty common feature of the posts on this site, not just mine.
George, Also please keep in
Submitted by brooks30 on
George,
Also please keep in mind that you and Melissa are a couple that is not identical (all ADHD aside) to myself and my ADHDer. What worked for you guys is not always going to work for us. We all need to develope our own strategies that fit the couples needs. I very much appreciate Melissa's input and have used some of her advice. But there are things that she has compromised in her life that I am unwilling to compromise in mine. I am in no way saying that I am better or she is better. I am just saying her and I are two different people and although her advice is most times helpful, the path she chose is not necessarily one that will work for me. Just as much as the nonADHD spouse has to be accomidating, so must the ADHDer in what their spouse (or signifcant other) needs.
Yeah, I noticed the scores in
Submitted by Clarity on
Yeah, I noticed the scores in the category section
Anger 87
Joy 30
And the anger category was over 90 for a while, hmmm...
site re-organization - navigation clarified - nothing lost
Submitted by admin on
"And the anger category was over 90 for a while, hmmm..."
I can assure you we have not been deleting comments in the anger category.
In designing this site, Melissa and I wanted to 1) provide understanding and hope as well as 2) a place to vent and realize that your situations were not unique, but rather caused by ADHD (and as a result, capable of being understood and "cured"). The blog posts are intended to provide the former, and the forums the later. We initially mixed in both blog post and forum posts in the same taxonomy (the categories at the right). Now that the site has grown substantially, we felt it might benefit our readers to provide a greater distinction between the two.
We undertook this change as a result of receiving more than a few comments about how most of the contents on the site gave people a sense that problems in relationships caused by ADHD were insurmountable, since most of the posts and comments were overly negative and dire.
The distinction between the blogs and the forums are more clear. The taxonomy on the right side now reflects only blog posts. The exact same taxonomy for forums can be found on the forums main page. No tags or links have been lost.
Yes, the anger category went from 90 down to 12 in the blog postings. That is because only 12 blog posts were categorized in "anger", whereas the rest were forum posts. However, if you want your fill of posts about anger, you will find 151 of them here and more specifically here.
We also added the block on the front page to help clarify where to find things. I hope this change helps you with navigating the site, and getting what you need from it.
The forum remains a place for you to share your stories (bad and good), to vent emotions, to understand that you are not alone in your challenges, and to pose questions to Melissa and others. Many find some reassurance from the realization that their struggles are in fact shared by others, rather than unique to their relationship. This is meant to provide the beginnings of hope, that others have travelled your path.
George
My ADHD husband says I was a disappointment of a wife...
Submitted by sufferinsilence on
Unfortunately, after almost 6 years of rollercoaster rides, fights, therapists and on-again, off-agin medication, my ADHD husband and I have decided to separate and divorce. We are doing a stellar job of being amicable, kind, and respectful to eachother for the benefit of our children. We both love our children very much and don't want to cause them any grief with a less than respectful rearrangement of our family. However, it took a long time and a lot of therapy to get to this point -- or should I say, therapy for me...since I'm the only one still going.
Right now, I'm pretty devastated, sad, confused, lost, self-loathing, self-doubting and clinging to the thought that it will get better and I will one day meet a partner in life. I've felt like many of you for years that I was alone in this marriage and had an extra child or live in buddy in my husband. (He's a really, really sweet guy and wouldn't intentionally hurt a fly. I sincerely believe that.) Nonetheless, he is like being married to a really sweet, kind-hearted 15-year-old.
The other day, I just caught him looking for women on Ashleymadison.com and match.com. For those of you who haven't heard, Ashleymadison is a website for married people looking for a discrete affair. They even have an "affair guarantee". I confronted him with it as civilly as I could and he did not deny what he was doing (aside from a story that seems to change and little untruths scattered about...). He said since I told him I did not want to be married to him, we were separated and he was free to pursue those activities...yada yada. I told him that it was insulting, slimey and to either move out or refrain from doing that until he moved out. He told me he wanted to move out but was "getting to it..." (line of my married life...).
The discussion went on and he told me that he knew he was a disappointment of a husband and that I was a disappointment of a wife. I asked him why I was a disappointment. He said that I expected perfection from him and when I didn't get it, I had rage, didn't listen to his concerns and called him names. I blamed everything on his ADHD and it wasn't just him, it was me too. That is why I was a disappointment and from his demeanor and the tone of his voice why he was moving on to better things...
I know I had a lot of anger and frustration over the last 6 years, but heck, I paid all the bills (he doesn't remember to pay bills), ran the house, ran a brand new struggling business, bore two healthy kids, qualified for our first home (his credit was shot), bought another investment home, and most other things under the sun. And yes, I yelled, called him names out of anger/frustration/confusion/disgust, resented him and even withheld my affection because I just couldn't muster up the sexual desire for a grown man who acted like this.
However, about a year and a half ago, I started therapy to try to make sense of this all. I started running to deal with my intense loneliness and frustrations. I started really working on me and how I could fix "us". I have pretty much learned to accept and control the anger. I've learned a lot about ADHD -- especially that if he doesn't want to "fix" himself, I certainly can't and should not try to fix him. He quit therapy about 7 months ago and has never gone back. During therapy though, he was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder which is associated with his ADHD (he's had ADHD since he was 8 but took himself off his meds at the age of 18). It seems like he blames my anger for his anxiety which caused all the other bad rollercoaster-type things to happen. So -- I guess I'm to blame for the rollercoaster now. Honestly, I was just so absolutely thrown for a loop with this ADHD. When his symptoms started to reveal themselves after they standard hyperfocus period, I didn't understand what was happening -- only that he was acting like big kid or really "spacey". When I became pregant with our first child before getting married and only dating 4 months (I know -- reckless...) I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into and how it would rock my world. By the time I had a view into my new world, I was pregnant and desperately wanted to give our baby a two parent home. I had hope and like so many other things in my life would figure out how to fix it. I lost the hope and realized I couldn't fix it.
Now, it seems like he's accepted my request for a divorce and is moving on. He seems so calm about it and pretty cavalier about it in fact. He's got plans, and is starting to look for a new woman in his life. I feel lost and confused. I feel my old habits of self-blame and culpability creeping in. I fear being alone. I'm 35 with two little kids. Talk about complicated! When or how will I ever find my partner in life? How did the wheels fall off this wagon? What could I have done better? Maybe my standards are just too high? Maybe if I were just a nicer person, this would have worked out? I'm mourning the loss of a dream, but know that it will just never, ever work out and I can't put my children through a lifetime of a cold, loveless marriage, or worse yet -- more rollercoaster peaks and valleys. I just can't...
It's funny though how I feel so awful and lost and like the only one sifting through the reckage and he is so resiliant. It's just ironic. I know a lot of what I have written is not rational. But, I'm just human and I smaller than this problem... He now rests on the concept that I was a disappointment of a wife. I'm not a mean person. I would never have wanted the rage. I wasn't angry with him because it was fun. I was angry with him because his actions made no sense to me other than he was just not listening to me or was lazy, irresponsible, passive-aggressive. I was a tired, stressed, baffled new mother/wife. I was simply so baffled and reacted with anger. The reason for his disappointment in me is my anger, but I've tried so hard to get rid of the anger and fix the broken wheels of this wagon to no avail.
I know none of you can fix my pain, but it helps to just get it out...Thanks.
Just a few
Submitted by brooks30 on
Just a few comments....
Actually, your entire post is calm, thought out and rational.
At the end of the post you also start thinking that you are all to blame. Remember, in any relationship both are to blame (however I won't lie...in our relationships I put more of the weight on the ADHDer who is not making any true improvements in their status).
Although I don't have kids and it has only been a handful of years, I have made the decision to leave my ADHD fiance. Even in the beginning when both are trying to actively work out, sometimes you just have to let them loose to live the life they have so obviously chosen for themselves. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.
Don't beat yourself up. You sound smart, driven and successful and 2 kids or not, any man should be honored to be with such a successful woman. Just go back and read what you have accomplished all on your own!
Good luck.
thanks brooks30
Submitted by sufferinsilence on
Thanks brooks30 for your kind words. You are making a smart decision to get out of your relationship after good faith efforts and before you get married and have children.
Sounds like you are dealing with your own needs
Submitted by Tweetiebird on
Reading your post made me think about my own challenges with my boyfriend. We've known each other for over 20 years and only 3 years ago decided to embark on a life together. It hasn't been easy for us and after much contemplation and soul searching I've decided to stay on with him. I realize that for some this might be seen as an impossible situation that will never change. My love is struggling through many various things, ADD and his resulting substance abuse and depression. We've also decided that children wouldn't suit our lifestyle and we were concerned that they would also get ADD. Just so you understand, my boyfriend's ADD does drive me to feeling lonely, angry and frustrated sometimes. Even without children, life can be a difficult thing to handle and ADD complicates even the simplest of decisions.
I think that you're very perceptive on what you need as an individual. Many non-ADD spouses go through the exact same things you wrote about and even if their spouse address their ADD challenges, life doesn't become a bowl of cherries. What I'm learning through this whole experience is to look at myself in the relationship. Who am I, what do I bring to the relationship, how can I live a happy life? All these questions may involve my partner but I'm the one running MY life. I have identified my limits and what I want in a healthy relationship and I've shared that with my partner. It's up to him to decide if he wants the same things and then do something about it. This may never happen and will I be ok if it doesn't? That was a difficult question for me to answer when things were going terrible and we were constantly fighting. In moments of calmness and peace, I fall in love with my partner all over again. Those are the times I realize to myself that I am loved and in love. Just not in the way that some experience. I see the value I bring to the relationship and all the amazing qualities he does. Should he decide not to deal with his issues and make them mine, I'm not interested. That the one thing I feel strongly about and he knows this. In his head full of jumbled, disorganized thoughts, he really wants to feel better. He's slowing showing me that he is concerned for his own health and well being. I've trying to remove myself from preventing him from going through the process and we understand our boundries. If he decides that he can't or won't deal with his problems I'll walk out the door. But I also know that I won't always go the way I want it to. I'm slowing accepting that.
Having said that, I realized that I also had problems as the non-ADD spouse. Being a non-ADD spouse is one of the most challenging things I have gone through yet. Not to mention, I grew up in a household with a parent that had possible undiagnoised ADD. I'm use to the chaos that an ADD person can bring into life and it made me into a very careful and cautious person. Not very healthy. I've come to terms with my choice of partner. (I'm familiar with his challenges and outbursts) And I've come to terms with the fact that I have been an enabler. Someone who always wants to run the show, if I could just make someone else less this or that, I would be happy. I'm realizing that as a result I lost sight of who I was, what I needed to be happy, I had no boundries and I let people effect the things I really wanted to say or do. I didn't and don't want to continue to live this way. That's not to say that I'm not resourceful and responsible to myself but it's been a complicated journey for me to rediscover myself.
Also, be kind to yourself, YOU DESERVE to be happy. YOU DESERVE to have a partner that is responsible for his behaviour. Your children deserve a good, healthy role model to endure life's challenges. I would say that your journey has just begun and eventually I hope you find some peace and understanding in yourself. Learning to think about what you want and need can be a difficult thing to do. I know I'm still trying everyday. Also don't get to fixated on the words from your spouse. I've learned that ADDer's say things in a very different way and sometimes it's hard to decipher as they talk in circles. (I've sat through hours of babble only to find out that he was feeling mad/frustrated/depressed/upset/undervalued/taken advantage of/underappreicated/unheard...*sigh*, I just walk away now.)
I would recommend you read Codependency No More by Melody Beattie. She also has a newer follow up book called The New Codependency. It may shed some light on the feelings and thoughts you've had during your relationship. I cried the first time I read it. So much of it was what I had gone through for years in my childhood and now. I hope you have a chance to focus on you and what you need. Remember YOU DESERVE happiness, joy and love.
Best of luck!