Hi everyone, I am new to this, and I am trying to find answers regarding my boyfriend's behavior and emotions. We have been together 10 years, and at first he was too good to be true. I had recently come out of an emotionally abusive 12 year marriage to a sex addict who was a compulsive liar, so after the divorce, i tried to find someone who was the polar opposite of him. Now i am living with a whole set of other problems that seem to be escalating with each year...Instead of lying and cheating like my ex-H, my BF is angry pretty much all of the time, he HATES authority figures, delights when he hears about a cop or a judge being murdered on the news, has not spoken to his parents in over 20 years, talks constantly, especially how others have wronged him. He hates his parents, who he says "abused" him by being very strict, making him go to church 3 times a week, etc. He has a very poor sense of direction, can't read a map or follow directions, will get lost easily, will say a word when he really means the opposite, like saying something is black when he means to say white. After the "honeymoon period" of our relationship, he would cringe if i touched him, and we have not had sex for over 8 years. I am 60 and he is 58, so I guess that part may not be so abnormal. The thing that worries me about the future is his frequent, unpredictable anger. He cannot keep any male friends. He always ends up finding some fault with them, perceiving some insult or abuse from them that is not there. For example, I had a friend who was married to a retired paramedic who was also my friend. I had fallen and broken my leg, and when my BF found me lying on the concrete, he began to scold me for trying to move the heavy flower pot that caused me to lose my balance and fall, instead of kneeling down to help me or God forbid, comfort me. He insisted that I not call 911 because he did not think I was hurt so badly. I ended up calling a neighbor friend, who came to my aid and comforted me, while my BF decided to go into the driveway to turn the car around. My BF took me to the ER, and when I was in agonizing pain, he kept saying he just wanted to kill himself, because I had "ruined our lives" by breaking my leg. That night, upon coming home from the ER, I asked my friend and her paramedic husband to come over and help him get me out of the car safely, because it was Friday night and there was no doctor to put the cast on till Monday, and i was just wrapped up with a splint holding the bones in place. If they were jostled out of place, I would be required to have surgery. When my paramedic friend (who was also the trainer for all the other paramedics) began to try to instruct my BF on how to safely carry a person with a broken leg, my BF got all insulted, acting like my friend had bullied him or something, when all he did was try to correct my BF when he just wanted to grab me and pick me up, swinging my broken leg around in the air. All my BF could focus on was how this accident impacted HIM, and he seemed to be totally unaware how out of control his emotions were. The rest of that night was misrable after my friends left, because my BF was pacing around raging about how my friend had "bullied him" when nothing could be further from the truth! The healing period for my broken leg was not much different. We live alone, so it was up to him to be my total caretaker. He would bring me my meals, lift me out of the wheelchair, take me to doctor's appointments, etc., but he bitched moaned and complained the entire time, repeatedly blaming me for falling, never showing me any empathy, never offering to rub my sore muscles, never thinking how much just a simple hug might have helped me. I have to ASK him for a hug. I could see that my physical therapist was perplexed by my BF's lack of interest in learning how to care for me at home with massage. Now that I can finally walk again, he is still very angry about my fall, and blames EVERYTHING on me. Like when we came home one day and saw that the Jehovah's witnesses were in our driveway, he dented the fender of my new car trying to back up away from them so quickly, and then blamed me for it, saying I " distracted" him by offering to get out of the car and politely tell them no thanks. I bought a new dining room table, and he collects tons of tools and buys broken things on ebay that he likes to repair.....He kept putting heavy tools on my new dining room table, and I asked him nicely to find some other place to work with his tools, and he blew up at me, saying i was a control freak (which I am not) and that he felt like he had no power because I own everything and have all the money...this is a constant theme of his anger, and i am afraid he sees me like an authority figure (which I am not) He has many, many large unfinished projects, like our 3 1/2 year old bathroom remodel (he blames my broken leg on his inability to finish it), and keeps planning more radical changes to our house that would take 3 lifetimes to complete all on his own, but he refuses to hire anyone to help him, instead he will start something, get bored with it, and then just leave the unfinished project and all the mess that goes with it, making grandious plans for the next project. He has experience as a carpenter but has not worked for anyone else for years. He quit his last job a few months after he moved in with me, over 10 years ago. My best friend and my niece have heard him say derogatory things about me, and they both say I am verbally abused, and they fear that he is a ticking time bomb, who will one day harm me physically. I made the mistake of telling him about them confronting me about his verbal abuse, and of course, he blamed THEM, saying they are "men-haters", and he demanded that I take them out of my will because of what they said about him. He said he did not want to have to "deal with" them after I die. He says unnecessarily hurtful things to others and threatens people online that he doesn't even know. He often fantazizes about killing people he sees on the news that he does not agree with, like all of the justice in the world can only come from him. Years ago, I had to call the police on him once because he was running around the house waving a gun in the air, threatening to kill my brother because we were involved in an inheritance dispute.
He has never hit me, except once by accident, when we were in a narrow hall, and I pointed out a spider on the floor. He overreacted (as usual), but this time, he flung his hands in the air, hitting me square in the nose with an upward force that felt like he jammed my nose into my head. I was bleeding and crying and it was very painful, and for the first few minutes, he apologized profusely, but after a few hours, I mentioned that i still had a headache and that I was starting to bruise under my eyes, and he started minimizing my pain, saying I was trying to "work it for sympathy". I feel like he resents me, and does not even like me anymore. I tried to get him into counseling, and he went a few times, but decided the woman counselor was on my side and that she was a "man hating bitch", because she was starting to challenge some of his statements in counseling. I then persuaded him to see a male counselor and a psychiatrist specializing in anger issues, but he only went a few times, claiming that they don't know what they are doing, that he could fix his own problems. Well, I know that is not true, and i want him to either get help, or get out. Right now, I live on one end of the house, and he lives on the other, and he is refusing to come out of his room (yes, he has his own bedroom) or speak to me because of this stupid dining room issue that came up last night. When he gets so angry like this, he takes a victim role and acts like an oppositional defiant adolescent instead of a 58 year old man, and I just feel sick inside and do not know what to do. i also have heart disease, arthritis and fibromyalgia, so all of this unnecessary stress he brings into our relationship is bad for my health. Could someone out there please help me with my situation?