I think my husband has ADD, but he believes I am the one with the problem. Help?

I'm pretty sure my marriage ended tonight.  After 19 years together and married 10 of those with two boys (8 & 3-8 yr old has ADHD), we are at the end.  I have finally found out about adult ADHD by reading books and going to the CHADD meetings and listening to the stories...I have to say it sounds like us.  My husband is ready to leave the marriage because he is tired of not having any physical contact with me.  And while I understand this for him and myself, the reason for not being intimate with my husband are numerous.  Once I started reading about adult ADHD, I saw so many things that were us.  Some sounded more like me, but others were clearly him.  He isn't the classic case.  He hyper-focuses on work, coaching, wrestling, our business and then leaves hardly anytime for me or our kids.  He has kept his job for years, is well liked in the community, does a good job for most people when they need his help, but his family life seems so secondary or last that it keeps me from connecting.  I am his third marriage, he has filed bankruptcy before, and we are closed to filing again because our business is failing and he keeps moving forward.  We don't sleep together because he snores so bad and he complains that he would sleep with me, but I don't want him to.  That I should just wear my earplugs.  But we have kids that are constantly up and down at night and my sleep is already broken.  He says that his is a good guy, he is, and that he deserves someone to sleep with.  He thinks I just want to treat him like a meal ticket because I'm a stay at home mom and have been for most of the time since our children were born.  I'm overwhelmed by my first child's ADHD, possibly Aspergers as well, doing it mostly on my own and then because I'm exhausted and adding to my chaos is my husband's lack of focus on family due to the stress level we both are under.  So I have nothing left to give to anyone.  My husband is a good man and I am feeling like maybe it is all my fault, but why?  I don't even know where to begin. I have asked him to consider checking out Adult ADD before he leaves the marriage.  I think it's a huge component to us.  He thinks I should get evaluated then if that's the case, but it's only to prove I don't have it and that he does.  He doesn't think he needs to be evaluated and said if I was a coke addict, would he have to do detox with me?  Says I need to fix myself. He is so angry at me. What now? 



Deflect, deny...

Your story sounds like many stories on this site. The good news is you seem to have done some research and have an idea as to what is going on in your life. I'm an ADDer who was not diagnosed until age 43, after 14 years of marriage. I went to the doctor because my anxiety levels were off the chart, so getting the diagnosis was a shock, but after reading it explained so much about Me. The problem with most of us is that we don't know there is something medically wrong with us. Until the ADDer decides he/she needs help, there is not much you can do.

Work on yourself first to help you and your children, your spouse has to figure things out or risk losing it all, which is a powerful motivator. There are a lot of people who can help you out here, from both sides of ADD.

Snoring could be a sign of

Snoring could be a sign of sleep apnea. Lack of sleep can cause ADHD-like symptoms, such as irritability, forgetfulness, etc. My husband has/had both. He snored horribly for years. I talked him into going to the doctor about it and the doctor sent him to a sleep clinic. It turned out that he was waking up every 15 minutes! He was chronically sleep deprived. I hoped this was the answer to our problems! He eventually had surgery to correct his apnea. It did help! However, in my husband's case he also had ADHD. Ask him to be evaluated at a sleep clinic!