My husband finally decided six weeks ago our son might have ADD, something I had insisted on for years without support and thus no clinical help, for years. In researching guess what he discovered; he has ADD. Something I had suggested many times and been told I was crazy.
I'm glad he's accepted it now. Unfortunately the doctor wants to try several herbal pills first to see how they work before trying meds. So just when I thought there would be some relief in his symptoms after nearly thirteen years of misery, nope. I have to wait at least another ten weeks ... If he doesn't get distracted ... Or forget an appointment. Keep in mind I'm dealing with three very ADD people in home, one of whom has ODD, too.
I've been reading the book. I'm doing a very good job at remaining calm and respectful in how I speak to my husband now. In fact I have always tended to ignore and stuff for our entire marriage. I only emotionally explode with anger when my husband, due to his ADD, takes out his irritation or panic or stress with anything (almost never an actual frustration with me) on me.
It happens a few times a week. Today he was upset our ADD kid didn't check in for school (husband works from home and we homeshool, son is so ODD I can't deal with it anymore after five years and he better understands and can help our son more easily knowing the struggle).
Well, line and behold it's my fault! Several irritable, accusation comments later, yes I know emotional dysregulation of ADD, I get him to stop and ask if we can talk about in a non-emotional way about how he approached me. Sure he says! So I try to calmly talk to him how I was hurt by his attacks and he keeps running me off mid-sentence with excuses, a quick apology, then he that he is late for meeting (the whole root issue).
We talked later. Honestly, I did my best not to try to make it a parent/child conversation, but he can't at all see on his own how his approach was hurtful nor what a better approach might have been.
Before the ADD diagnosis I never felt like we had a parent/child role. I just felt alone and on my own for the most part. Instead of asking the doctor or working these things out, he keeps asking me what he should do. How can he fix these things. What should and can he do better. He means well ... But guess who feels like a mother reasonable for this man child? Me.
Honestly I get the struggle he has ... I feel sad for his struggle. I feel depressed for me. Reading the book hasn't made things easier ... It's made things harder. Instead of ignoring and stuffing, I'm now having face it and seem to be deemed responsible for his coping strategies. In addition I have to listen to his, "woe me and my struggle" while he forgets to ever ask me, he is reading the book as well, how I feel or am coping. So instead of more help, despite his schedule change and setting alarms and new routine (all my suggestions) I have more work trying to solve his ADD struggles, listen to him, cope emotionally, and no truly viable solution. Even the doctor tasked me with record keeping his meds and improvement/decline for my husband and two sons ... Because I'm super mom he said and so I should use my super skills.
So I'm an even more burnt out pregnant mom of five (got pregnant before diagnosis), what feels like six. Does it ever get any better? What to do?