Submitted by learningtoloveadd on 04/23/2014.
As I sit here tonight, reading through the forum, pissed off at my ADD husband for being a total jerk this week, I just realized something: I USED to be fun. I used to love to dance and sing and laugh and drink a little too much sometimes. I used to be carefree and have an opinion, a voice. That was the girl that was so attractive to my now husband. I am now a shell of that person. I am the responsible one in our relationship. I'm am the one that needs to ensure bills are paid on time, kids get homework done, the lawn gets mowed, cars get maintenance when needed, family (his and mine) get cards and gifts for birthdays, the house gets cleaned, perscrptiobs get filled. You get the picture. Sex? Yeah right. Our sex life in the beginning was amazing. It still is, when we actually have it. Few and far between. No one wants to screw mean mommy and no one wants to screw a grown adult that acts like a petulant child. I just now realized how resentful I am for no longer being able to be the carefree spirit that I once was. So, I guess the big question is, how do I get back to that???
I'm new to this forum. What
Submitted by JessK on
I'm new to this forum. What made me start looking for answers is exactly that same though 'I use to be fun'. Following this thread in the hope that someone can shed some light. Sorry I can't be of any help, i'm in the same boat.
Same here
Submitted by Djadechen on
Wow. I am the exact same way. I used to be fun and can be fun when I set aside all the stress. You are doing what you have to do, and it has changed how you manage the world.
The thing is, when your mind is constantly looking to hold up spinning plates on sticks, how do you think about fun? Even when my DH does help, I still have to double check and make sure the things are done.
When someone close to you is unpredictable and acts like a rebellious child one minute and a grown up the next minute, how do you relax? Or what about when they don't keep track of time and does inappropriate untimely things?
Sorry that you are going through this. I'm in the same boat and my marriage has been stressful for years. We are probably headed for divorce this summer if he still cannot see how detrimental he is to our lives. The whole time, he blames me for "not changing", but doesn't see that he is the instigator when I get angry over something he did. I cannot change a natural response to a grown up acting like a child and erratic parenting.
Maybe see if he will go to therapy?
Thank you both for replying..
Submitted by learningtoloveadd on
I used to be fun
Submitted by lulu18 on
This topic really hit home with me. I have been "lurking" around here for the past 4 months, reading every post but afraid to share. I have a picture of myself before I married my ADHD spouse- I really looked happy. I was happy. After 14 years of drudgery and cleaning up after his "accidents" and self inflicted medical problems, I am a shell of my former vibrant self. I feel so lonely and alone, although there are many people out there with ADHD , I feel I can't let on how bad it is because my DH is such a "nice guy". He never means any harm but yet continues to move through life blind to the destruction he causes. It's like living with Mr. Magoo. Remember the cartoon character who was practically blind but refused to wear glasses because he thought his vision was fine? He walked around causing havoc and destruction for everyone around him except himself. Yup, that's my husband, Mr. Magoo.
I used to be fun
Submitted by Berlie66 on
That is me too. I have Mr. Magoo as well. I feel very socially messed up. I have a hard time dealing with people period. I am always tired, stressed, sometimes depressed as well. This relationship has drained everything in me, venting is what I am keeping energy for as the energy I have spent trying to help him has almost killed me as I have had nothing in return!!! Most friends don't understand and just chalk it up to him being a man! I tell them......look at what yours would be like if he was 10x worse!!
I've been lurking too.
Submitted by JessK on
Same here! I'm fully aware of the problems my relationship is facing but I could never quite put my finger on what it was exactly that I found so sad. I've had no choice but to get use to constantly picking up after him, to being ignored, being told that its me who needs to relax etc etc. All of that is the day to day stuff but something has been eating away at me deep down for the past couple of years and it was only after reading the subject 'I use to be fun' that it occurred to me that that's exactly how I feel. I don't feel like me anymore. I look back at photos and feel so distant from my old self. I don't like who I am when I'm around him and I feel so guilty for the constant nagging but I just don't know how to get through to him.
He is only mildly aware that he may have ADHD, to everyone around him it is painfully obvious. I am hoping I can get him to understand that it needs addressing if our relationship is ever going to work.
Does anyone have any advice for how to approach the subject of getting help for ADHD without coming across as complaining, nagging etc I want to talk to him about it but I don't want it to turn in to an argument .
Suggestions for your sanity
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Hi learningtoloveadd,
I have a couple of suggestions for you:
1. Stop buying presents for your husband's side of the family and then being angry about it. Let him live with the consequences of that, and don't nag him. You will have to be willing to endure some possible discomfort here. He will never, ever, ever, ever take this on if you continue to do it for him. The current situation WORKS for him. Of course, give him fair warning and you may want to put it in writing.
2. Stop taking car of his car maintenance. If he can't get his car fixed, you should not be willing to take him anywhere. Natural consequences. You are not his mom, nor do you want to be.
3. Since he is in the beginning stages of medication, and is having trouble with getting scripts filled, he may need help from you, unfortunately :(. Offer to go to his next appointment to see if he can get several months prescriptions with monthly dates on them. My new doc gives me 3 months of scripts. My previous doc only gave me 2 months worth. It may not seem like a big difference, but it means I only have to go to 4 appointments instead of 6, which means 2 whole less months of the year I could possibly screw this up. Also, I make the next appointment before leaving the current appointment.
I know these are small things, but the idea is that while there are many things in life that HAVE to get done, and perhaps at this stage, by you, you are not morally obligated to take care of those other things. Remember: he literally has NO MOTIVATION TO CHANGE, because he is comfortable with the status quo.
ADHDMomof2
Happiness & Loving Detachment
Submitted by learningtoloveadd on
Thank You to all who have replied. I find the feeling of not being alone and relating with so many of you helps to reassure that I'm not going crazy!
So, I've decided that I'm going to work on HAPPINESS this week. I'm going to really put some real thought towards things I can do (daily) that make me happy. For example, I like yoga, I like pedicures, I like massages, I like to dance, I like coffee with girlfriends I like spending time with my family. As far as the things that cost $$, we don't have much extra income, BUT, I'm responsible for the budget :) So I think I will start budgeting a little "me treat" each week. After all, I have a "ADHD" line-item in our budget that covers all of the hubby's forgettfulness...parking tickets, etc....so, why not have a line-item for me? The other stuff, just requires me to put me first and cut out time to do it. I think my focus up until now has been to "hold all of the spinning plates up", as someone said, but I think I need to include ME time as one of those plates.
ADHDMomof2...
You're right, I read about Loving Detachment several months ago, but to save my sanity, I do need to focus on that. I started reading up on it again today and found this quote, which I think is so very appropriate for all of us, "Sanity begins the moment you admit you're powerless over other people."
So here is my question for you or anyone else that can help with this idea of loving detachment. OK, the birthday cards and gifts for his family, I can sort of get...they likely just won't get them. I'm not totally on board with this, due to fact that I have development a very close relationship with my nieces and nephews on his side, as well as his siblings and parents. With something like his car repairs--if his car breaks down, when he could have done preventative maintenance along the way, that will affect me financially. Also, if his car breaks down, I can't refuse to give him a ride to work, that is not the loving wife that I want to be, nor can I see how that would be positive for our relationship. (this is all hypothetical right now, by the way.)
The point is, I just continue to struggle with the idea of loving detachment and consequences, when so many of the consequences will affect me when things are not done or forgotten. Any and all advice would be appreciated on this topic.
Loving Detachment
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Maybe it would help if I gave you a specific example from my own life?
In spite of working hard for years on my ADHD symptoms, some continued to plague me. My husband kept telling me I was spending too much money, but I literally couldn't see it. I don't spend money on myself, typically, but would spend money on items for the house, the yard, or the kids. It was a shot of dopamine, even though it wasn't directly for me. I wasn't paying attention, and would not have any idea each year how I continued to make the same dumb mistakes ad nauseum.
Finally, last fall, my husband told me I was "cut off" from spending money for the entire school year. For years, he had talked to me about this, but he finally did it. I was PISSED. I was having a particularly hard time with my ADHD as I navigated through escalating food allergies and vitamin deficiencies that made me extremely symptomatic. I was trying so hard, and he did this to me????? The thing is, I did this to myself. It has been a hard year for me in that I have had to really address the difference between "want" and "need" as well as curbing my impulses. I am glad (!) that he did it now, because I have learned skills I would have never otherwise learned. I also feel less stressed about money and that sick feeling in my stomach is gone.
I hope this helps.
ADHDMomof2
I used to be fun
Submitted by Berlie66 on
As far as I can tell there is definiely no way to find help unless I find it all myself. I am supposed to make time for myself and do things for myself to be able to balance this plate of ADD, really.................I have no time when the whole illness rests on my shoulders not his, all my effort to make things better for him not his! I truly believe now that my husband has other pysch issues as mentioned in other posts, otherwise he would have tried more by now and would have realized what is going on with him and our life. Mothers Day has always been a bad day, as like most of us we do so much and then get nothing in return that day other than another day being taken for granted. Mothers Day is D-Day this year. If he doesn't even help make sure the children do anything for me.............I am done! And I am so good with that!
Another one who used to be fun
Submitted by boilergirl on
I think about this a lot. And Dh also thinks I should just let stuff go and stop being so crappy, but it is hard when you are always the one picking up the pieces and never knowing if you can depend on the ADHD spouse or not. My kids probably think I am an old hag because I have to say "You really need to go to bed." to an 8-year-old at 11:30 p.m. the night before Easter b/c he is watching a movie with his dad. I have to say "We are not having 10 8/9 year old boys camp out in the yard for your birthday." because his dad, who has never planned a party and got annoyed when DS had one boy sleep over, thought that he would just go ahead and make plans with an 8 year old without discussing it with the other adult. I am the one who makes sure they have clean clothes for the next day, when DH is having nerf gun fights. It is hard to have fun when you look around at the chaos your house had become due to all of DH's unfinished projects. I actually like going to work b/c I can be me and they don't know DH. I am funny, kind, and always get along with my coworkers. DH has burned so many bridges for us socially :( He also used to be the funny one and everyone loved him. However, here lately he has become the negative and complaining one. Oh, he is still pretty good socially, but more and more of his true self is coming out in organizations we are a part of for our kids. But, DH's fun comes at a price. His anger, his mood swings, etc., can often ruin the fun. I often think that me being on my own, however stressful it may be, would be the only way to get a little of my fun side back.
Another one...................
Submitted by Berlie66 on
well said! the examples are both similiar and different from mine.............but in the end, exactly same situation!!
I used to be fun
Submitted by lulu18 on
This thread has truly touched me and helped me to join in instead of just reading posts. I have read of several people going to al- anon and this really rang a bell with me, since I have 20+ years in 12 step recovery but it never occurred to me to try al- anon! I feel calmer knowing I have so many coping skills I have forgotten about from being in recovery for so long. Living with my DH , who also has. Many years in recovery, is like living with a " dry drunk". The behaviors are the same . I am going to a beginners al anon meeting this week and I feel hopeful that I can release the toxic anger that is destroying my health and detach with love. Thanks to you all for sharing exactly what I needed to hear. I used to be fun and maybe I can be again.
Things I've Learned the Hard Way
Submitted by kellyj on
Here's a list of things that you may find useful from the ADHD side of this topic.
1. Fact: I need healthy outlets for the overflow of anxieties of life and the ones in my head which are caused by an overflow of thoughts and inputs and the demands being placed upon me in every respect...this also pertains to the overflow of pent up energy ( the "H" in ADHD)This is not the general type that everyone experience ( I have those too)...these are specifically related to my ADHD.
2 In reality......I do things all the time without realizing that this is the reason why I do them. Completely unconscious of this fact at times even though I've come a long way at being able to recognize this.
3 The more stress or pent up energy I have....the more I need to manage it ie; behaviors that do this for me. The more demands from others in ways that hit up against my ADHD issues....the more stress I experience and the more need I have for conscious or unconscious stress relievers.
4 The more feedback from others that show me that I am stressing them out....the more stress I experience on top of the stress that I initially was experience.
5 Coming to this realization.....I subdue the stress and energy relieving behaviors for the benefit of others.....which in turn makes me even more stressed out being without my stress managing behaviors. ( even though this does benefit everyone else. They are fine if I can do this)
6 Now I have the initial stress, on top of the stress I am feeling from others, on top of the stress that my I can't do my stress managing techniques that I have acquired through a life time of trial and error just to manage stress. Which just creates more stress.
7 Finally...the pressure cooker blows and I run to anyone of my management techniques like a person would run to an oxygen mask when the cabin pressure drops in an airplane. I begin using all of my stress managing techniques wholesale in order to get my stress under control regardless of how this affects anyone else.
When I finally get my stress under control....I'm fine again. "What's for dinner honey?" "let's go out tonight and then later have sex OK?" "I feel great....how about you? ha ha
Knowing this about myself.....I've stopped doing this. I've developed different strategies to keep this cycle from starting namely; Finding lots of ways to manage stress so I have lots of tools in my tool box at all times to be used as necessary. If you've only got a hammer in your tool box and nothing else...well???
I can see why it is so hard for someone else to follow this especially for the fact that the person doing it isn't even aware of it themselves. No wonder you feel lost and like you are no fun anymore? And yes.....most of us do not want to have sex with our mothers or our children...that's an easy one to figure out. Hope this helps....from inside the mind of someone with ADHD.lol
Re: things I've learned the hard way
Submitted by Berlie66 on
I need a few days to breathe after reading this comment. I really want to feel sorry for this person. But I can't. I feel sorry for me. As stated you don't even know what some of the things are you are doing............that are demeaning, hurtful, spiteful, ungracious, selfish, impulsive, destructive and on and on...................once in awhile...........periodically something good will be done..........but it is never going to make up for all the hurt in between. I tell my husband over and over to try really hard to think about what this is doing (him) to our family. The kids can't keep up with daddy and all his "strange" behaviour and talk. He has no clue and apprears like he could care less. Periodically he will start talking about getting an ADD coach, etc...................but does he ever do anything to pursue this no..............over and over it is the same thing...............I married him because he made me happy and made my laugh...........now he makes me frustrated and is full of excuses as to why I should put up with it. It is not normal behaviour and therefore needs to be dealt with by medicine and doctors, can't deny that. Why shouldn't i be happy for the rest of my days...............and fun like I used to be! He didn't ask for this illness but neither did I!!
I Truely Understand What You Are Saying
Submitted by kellyj on
I may not have the same issues as your husband and without knowing all the details I'd say it sounds like there are some differences. But the patterns of behaviors and many of the symptoms within it I'm guessing would be be very similar. Knowing this much and relating it to my own experiences with problems I've had in my past with my marriage.......I saw the net result of this from my ex wives side of things which ultimately led to us separating and then getting divorced.
This was the wake up call for me where I started really doing something about my ADHD and making the effort to find ways to do it.
That was over 10 years ago and it's taken this long to get to the place where I am here today still working on it and finding better way to improve. Making no excuses for your husband or any other person with ADHD's behaviors....... I will only say how difficult this process can be and how much effort it takes to do this. You have to really want it bad enough to make the change or it won't happen. It's not anything that anyone would ever choose to do on their own if they didn't need to.
For me the effort has paid off in every way you can imagine and speaking solely for myself........the changes are possible. Having ADHD is not a life sentence without the ability to control it and manage it well. It can be done.
One more thing to keep in my is this.( again speaking for myself )
My ADHD has influenced what others see about me in both negative and positive ways. The positive ones out weigh the negative ones without question in most aspects of my life except.........living with another person in an intimate relationship. Out of all the problems I have experienced with my own ADHD......this is really the single.... most obvious problem area that I have to deal with. I reap the benefits from having it on a daily basis including in my job/career.
Given the choice of not having ADHD and losing all the benefits that it gives to me......it would be a tough call to make in a trade off between two. We don't see it as an illness because it isn't that in respects to what I'm saying here. An illness implies that it is only detrimental to you.....ADHD has the positive sides to it that can be hugely beneficial to someone who has it. I would go as far as saying that it is a gift at times.....for me it truly is. I have abilities and strengths that also make me stand out to others in very positive ways that I would never want to give up for anything. These too....make me who I am and living without the positives would be the same as severing my right arm.
This is why it is so difficult for us to see the bad parts sometimes....there are so many good parts that they can make us blind to the ones that others see and how they affect them in a negative way.
I feel your frustration and pain.......I know the things I'm saying here are not necessarily things that are going to make you feel any better....but hearing this from an outside source may help you get a more accurate perception so you can make your own decisions in dealing with your husband. The misconceptions,misinformation and inaccuracies of what people think and how they react to us ADD'ers only makes things worse on our end when trying to discuss anything with us. When I start hearing some of the things that people will say to me about ADHD and (us) people who have it.......many times I will just walk away and silently throw my hands in the air because I know how ridiculous and inaccurate these beliefs can be.
Tell me, J, are you
Submitted by lauren07 on
Tell me, J, are you hyperactive or inattentive? I fail to see any gift whatsoever in the inattentive type, but have witnessed these gifts in the hyperactive type. An ex of mine is adhd and just a joy to talk to and be around. He has a brilliant mind that he puts to music and art. An adhd coworker is such a hardworker and so ridiculously bubbly. The pros more than outweigh the cons. My inattentive coworker was tossed from department to department and quite frankly, annoyed the mess out of me.
You say cohabiting is the hardest for you, but just living is hard for my husband.
I have about zero empathy for my husband now. I am just angry and fed up. I know I wouldn't quite feel this way if any efforts had been made. I AM grateful for his humility. I'll give him that.
I used to be Fun
Submitted by Berlie66 on
Thank you very much for your response. You are totally right on all counts. It seems to solely depend on whether or not the ADHD/ADD spouse is willing to help themselves and be supported by their partner. All I know if I can't keep being the only one putting in the effort, I already spend too much effort dealing with the negative side of all this. I have lost myself, my child is confused and our family is possibly hurt beyond repair at this time. Not sure why as well the relationship aspect is so difficult..........other than the fact that I got married fully expecting I was going to love my husband, have total respect for him and be able to rely on him for many things as he does with me.........I know those are all ideals that have gone out the window.
I got married expecting the
Submitted by lauren07 on
I got married expecting the same. I'm so hurt and disappointed still, but glad to have him out of the house.
love this thread
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I'm glad you started this thread "learningtoloveadd". I too, look at old pictures of myself and wonder where the happy, bubbly person I used to be.........went. I see pictures of myself now and I look (besides obviously older) wearied, stressed and worn out. My eyes are dark and sunken from many tears and lack of love, while my ADHD husband still looks pretty much the same as he did years ago. It makes me hurt and sad. Where did I go? 2 and half decades of undiagnosed and untreaded ADHD can affect the strongest of people, and yet the one with ADHD just goes on with "life as usual". That hurts also, because my husband has NOT known the hurt this condition can cause, but when he DOES feel hurt, he just says, "it was THEIR fault".
I used to be Fun
Submitted by Berlie66 on
OMG.......exactly!!
I'm Not Quite Sure What Type I Have?
Submitted by kellyj on
I do know I have the Hyperactive component for sure....but I also have some of the inattentive issues as well. I know you can be the combination of the two but this is where it gets a little murky in trying to place myself into one category or the other. From all the things I've read on this sight it would appear that I am predominately Hyperactive. I don;t think anyone who knows me would argue with that. lol
My problems with co-habitating stem mostly from making messes with too many projects going simultaneously. I have to have things out where I can see them or they disappear. Literally! I can get spread out in a hurry and I do the classic....starting another project before finishing the last one. I do end up following through eventually but in the mean time........it can look like a bomb went off inside the house at times.
I'm one third artist, one third mechanic and one third mad scientist....+ 10% athlete. I guess that answers the question of being hyperactive doesn't it?
Motivation has never been an issue......keeping track of tools and art supplies, trying to stay organized, time management and not letting all my projects impact the household and the other people in it are definitely an issue and always have been.
I've been referred to as: invasive, a menace to house and home and a person without respect to others boundaries. If I am being honest with myself I'd have to agree at least in part to these descriptions others have given me. I'm working on it
Needless to say......this is hard to live with for another person but I have come full circle in recognizing this for myself.
My redeeming qualities have always been my sense of humor and being fun to do things with. I love to have fun. I've now adopted a new habit of....house chores first....fun second. This has not always been the case.
I'm also great to have around if your car breaks down or washer needs fixing. ha ha
I think you're right about the inattentive part not proving to be any benefit but this is where my issues may stem from more than the hyperactive component......it's why I'm not discounting that I am some of both.
It's so hard to tell you or anyone else any good advise in regards to your man because I do know that ADHD plays out so differently from one person to the next. This is also why I've bee posting such lengthy posts about myself here. I figure I'll just throw it out there and see if someone else can relate or use it for themselves to figure out the person they are with. It's the kind of thing I'm looking for when I read these posts for myself as well....soemthing in them that can help me understand me. lol
Thanks. I can tell you don't
Submitted by lauren07 on
Thanks. I can tell you don't have much in common with my husband. I enjoy your comments here. I'm sure you don't much enjoy ours since we're working out our grief and frustration;)
On the Contrary
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm focusing on listening to the wives of the men with ADHD. It tells me exactly the kinds of things I need to look at for myself. It's like the movie with Mel Gibson where he can hear what women think. Is this cheating? ha ha
Not sure quite what type I have
Submitted by Berlie66 on
Personally I am more impressed everytime I read your posts. You apparantly have the realization of what you have or who you are and how you affect others. You also explain yourself well, your communication skills over the internet are pretty good! You are expressing yourself which is good for you and I belieive is helpful to the rest of us on this part of the posts. My husband is definitely innattentive/ADD. He could never communicate like this, doesn't feel it is necessary.
Thanks
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm concerned that I'm coming across as being self absorbed only talking about myself so much especially since most of the posts are looking for support out of frustration. I realize I'm not joining in for that reason but I know how much I also need perspective when I get caught up in my own s**t too. Every little bit helps right?
I have a choice here.
Submitted by learningtoloveadd on
Acceptance is the Holy Grail That We Are Seeking
Submitted by kellyj on
Dear learningtoloveadd,
I have stopped, long ago at trying to make other people understand what it is like having ADHD. Actually.....before I was diagnosed and didn't even understand it myself......I would try an explain or excuse my behaviors in the best way I could and try and make some kind of connection based on any number of other reasons....most of which were incorrect. I know this is where the "excuses" came from with me even if it was a best effort on my part to try and get along. This is intention which is better than denial, but does nothing for the other person. It is important to recognized the difference on both sides however.......in that denial and delusion are hopeless. Intention is at least the first step in the process of awareness.
Before I continue on another one of my diatribes ( in reference to my comment to appearing only self serving in these posts ) I want to comment on how sorry I am for all the trouble that we ADHD spouses have been in the lives of the ones who have to live with us. I say this on behalf of all the ADHD spouses (excepting maybe a few? ) who are struggling with self esteem on their own side....and trying to maintain it by avoiding looking at what it does to you their spouses. You can only apologize for who you are so many times before it starts to erode your self worth....and the only way to save what you have to... get up and fight another day is to selectively overlook the bad parts and focus only on the good ones. This unfortunately excludes saying you are sorry sometimes but I think an exception to this process as far as self worth is concerned needs NOT to exclude simply saying that you are sorry. My mother used to say to me ," there is no expiration date to saying you are sorry"......and I believe she was absolutely right in this much at the very least.
I also wanted to say how difficult this is for me to read these post at times. It really does hit all my nerves and brings me down to ground "0" which in part......is exactly why I'm doing this. There can be great value in seeing things through other peoples eyes if you can stop long enough to get out of your own head and step back away from it and really look to see what someone else is seeing. Applying the "Golden Rule" is the easiest way in finding the ability to do this for me. ( not always easy to remember to do it )
Returning to my original thoughts:.......Reading the comments you just made in this last posts was like having the heavens part and Gods own light shine down on through the clouds onto my face.....followed by Angels, Unicorns and Rainbows appearing everywhere with flowers springing up while a choir of Smurfs sang and danced around my feet.....sorry, I get a little carried away at times. lol
" 1) Accept what is. He has ADD, he accepts it, he consciously works on it (as well as someone with ADD can.) He will still forget, lose focus, overspend, hyperfocus, etc. at times. That is how it is and I can choose to accept that reality as just that: a reality of my situation and not a personal attack on me -OR- I can choose to be pissed off and resentful and live my life based on the insane notion that things need to change for me to be happy.Yes, as spouses of those with ADHD we become very accustomed to holding up those spinning plates. The key to happiness in this situation is to let some of those plates fall. Let some break. And learn to react in a way that is loving and without malice...and not resentful about the last 80 plates that have fallen in the past ;)"
This statement and the words contained in it is the Alpha and Omega......the holy grail and the entirety of everything that I could ever hope to have in a partner or spouse. She doesn't need to understand my ADHD or why we do anything we do associated with it only.....just to accept that it is a reality for us and as long as we are making changes for the better and improving......the fact that we may never reach perfection in it, we are allowed at least some slack because of it.
Taking responsibility for my ADHD does not require this by anyone for me to continue to make improvements for myself....it's 100% completely not necessary or contingent on this in any way.
This is the statement of love.....it's a gift to be honored and treasured. This is all I could ever hope to have from my partner to show me that she loves me. It is literally the most important thing to me when it comes to finding a reason and a motivation to keep trying and working on my ADHD symptoms....it is the reason outside of my self that makes the difference of whether I will succeed or fail and makes all my efforts either worth it or not.
To put this in context....I will share why this is so important to me.
Growing up in a time when ADHD wasn't even on the radar for most people....and having parents that came from a time when this kind of thing was addressed by punishment. I received a lot of punishment for my ADHD symptoms ranging from physical attacks, verbal abuse and constant criticism. There was such a negative under current running through my household especially when my father was around....that it made life and living around my family unbearable at times. The way I managed to save myself from this was to escape from it as much as possible. I spent most of my childhood time while growing up anywhere but at my own home. I lived in constant fear of reprisal at all times and was always in fight or flight mode when I was around my father since I had no idea what I was doing to cause this reaction most of the time....and never knew when the axe would fall which always appear to be out of no where and no connection to anything I had done.
Because of this....I became very self sufficient and self reliant at an early age. I gravitated towards learning how to do as much for myself as possible so I wouldn't have the need to ask my parents for help....or as little as possible. I also discovered my strengths at an early age and gravitated towards doing things that lent themselves to these strengths ie: art, building things, fixing things, music and sports.
I was lucky enough to have a swim coach who proved to be a one in a million man....who was in my opinion, the perfect mix of reward for achievement and benevolent but stern expectations including fair and just punishment when I screwed up......and I screwed up a lot! He must have been some kind of Saint for the patience he had with me although........there was a side to him that never lost his own child like exuberance and it came out repeatedly with me since I was always coming up with very creative ways of causing humorous instead of malicious chaos and trouble. I could see how hard it was for him not to crack a smile half the time I was being chewed out for pulling some kind of prank on someone. This is also a talent that I have stemming from my ADHD. I can still hear one of my close friends words ringing in my head as he was laughing and trying not to pee at the time saying.." you're a menace!" Yep......that was me.
Anyway....not to belabor this story any more, but to the point that it serves to give you an idea of where our (ADHD) issues and sensitivities might originate from. I naively dreamed of the day when I would be an adult and never have to deal with these kinds of things ever again.
Boy was I wrong on that one! ha ha
Thank you so much for making this post. You just gave me a renewed vigor to find more ways to subdue if not eliminate some or most of my ADHD symptoms knowing that this kind of acceptance does exist from the other side of having a life together with someone else.
Thank you
Hard choice to make
Submitted by Berlie66 on
Leaving is a hard choice to make because you know that this spouse is never going to get a wake up call from the split, he is who he is and you will never get your family back until you go down a long hard road of finding a new love in your life that will be good for your children as well. How am I supposed to handle the unreliability of this man, why do i have to put up with it. He may as well not be here if I have to do and think about everything myself. His daughter is now disappointed once again with something, because dad couldn't THINK!! I can't pick up the pieces every time he screws up like this and my daughter does not need to believe that it is normal life to be disappointed by your father as often as she is.
Berlie66, In our case
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Berlie66, In our case, my ADHD husband often disappointed our girls and they were both hurt emotionally into adulthood. This played out in who THEY chose as boyfriends and spouses. They in turn, picked distant, sometimes abusive boyfriends that acted very much the same as their "Daddy" did. This BROKE MY HEART. They thought they were choosing differently, but NO, it plays out once again, over and over. The way the a "Daddy" raises a daughter is most often the type she picks for boyfriends and husbands.