I have been diagnosed with ADHD about 4 years ago and have been married for 18 years and have two kids. I have been put on Adderall XR that has helped at work.
About a month ago I had an true life changing eye opening experience and have been made painfully aware of how my anger and other ADD issues have been affecting my wife and family. Now I can't stop hyper focusing on how terrible I have been in the past. My guilt/shame is so bad I can barely eat some days. I keep replaying all the past fights I can remember over and over in my head. And almost all of them come down to me over reacting to something stupid. Then not thinking through my thoughts before blurting out something hurtful or cutting off my wife while she is trying to talk. Finally losing my temper and blowing my top.
Now every time we have a fight, I'm aware my mistakes right after I do them but the damage is done. And my wife has told me that she almost ready to leave me.
The guilt of what have done and am doing has me depressed to the point of wishing for that I will just not wake up one morning or have same freak accident. I don't want to kill myself I just feel that I don't deserve to keep hurting the ones I love and care for so if I can't stop doing this I don't deserve to exist. I'm sure this is just the depression coming to the surface. But it does concern me that it could get worse. I know that it would have to get a lot worse for me to do anything to myself. But it still scares me how bad it could get.
I don't want to keep doing these things and I don't want to keep hurting my family verbally. I have made an appointment with my Dr. but this is the 3rd one I've had since my diagnosis. So I have to keep retelling my story. This time however feel I can share more than I have been able to in the past. I don't feel my dark side is something to hide but to exposed to the light so it can be eliminated.
I'm looking for anyone how has made it though something like this.