I want to be happy again

I have been married to my husband for 4 years now. My husband has been diagnosed with ADHD and has recently filed for disability, due to doctor's advice. He is THAT bad.

I always knew there was something wrong with our relationship. In the beginning I looked for the problem within myself, searched psychiatric help. Went through hell, and, in the middle of all that, my husband decided to leave me, blaming me for all that went wrong in our relationship. Within 3 weeks of him leaving me, my life had turned. I was able to laugh again, I went back to work and enjoyed it, I finished projects that we had started together and projects that he had started and never finished. I kept seeing my therapist to help me understand what had been going on. I felt good. He, on the other side was collapsing. He contacted me and we talked. He confessed that he realized that it was not my problem, it was his, that he could not cope with his life, that he was unable to take care of himself, of the finances, he was living with his sister, could not find a job and so on. He was having suicidal thoughts. So I did it. I took him back. I took him and mothered him again. Took care of everything, just like before: bills, chores, finances, helped him with his debt from his previous marriage, etc.

This is me today, after 4 years, still helping him, still mothering him, still reminding him to take his medication, still reminding him to turn the oven off and not burn up my house (yes, it is my house exclusively, it is my car, it is my money - he had nothing when he came to me but debt and in the 4 years of marriage he has not earned a cent). 

I do not hold it against him that he is the way he is. I don't expect him to pay bills, to do anything in the house, to cook. I have learned to not expect those things from him and it does not bother me. Our house is clean, we have no financial problems, I can manage. I can manage having a child on my side instead of a man. 

What I cannot cope with is the blame. I am blamed that I am controlling, that I won't allow him to do things, I am being yelled at and called names. I will give you some examples, as it is very difficult to explain:

1. We receive paperwork that he needs to fill out and sign. I put the paper in my office, on the desk, and I let him know that I put the papers there, in case he was looking for them. This morning, he comes into the bedroom, wakes me up screaming and yelling where I put the papers. I go in the office and search for them. It turns out he had used my desk and since he needed more space, he simply put those papers on the floor and forgot about it. He takes the papers without saying a word. So i say: "you're welcome". And that was it! He starts yelling at me that i always put him down, that he always feels that I feel superior to him, what am I thinking, that I am better than everyone else? And again, yelling, screaming, he calls me paranoid, crazy.... I am very proud to say that I did not scream once. All i said was that I find his behavior towards me inappropriate and hurtful.

2. Last fight we had before this he was screaming and yelling at me as well, so I went into my room after asking him several times to stop screaming and put my head phones on, just to not have to listen to him anymore. What does he do? he comes into the bedroom with a glass full of water and throws the water at me. Than runs away, leaves the house. I was shocked! 

3. He has no contact with his mother, sisters, anyone in his family - he has told me storied about them that i am not sure are true or not. Anyway, one time in a fight he told me that I do not allow him contact with his mother. The thing is, I don't even know where that one came from - but in the middle of it, he seems to actually believe what he says. he did apologize afterwards, he always apologizes. He also "remembers" things that never happened, not only with me, but with other people. he will come and tell me that that person said that or did that - but I was there as well, and those things never happened, that person never said the things he believes he heard. But because of what he thinks he hears, he builds up this frustration towards a person. it happens with me, it happens with people we try to befriend and it probably happened with his family as well, that is why he has all those negative feelings towards them.

I guess what I can't or won't put up with is his anger and his blaming me for his failure and for the way he feels about himself. 

but than, after all the fights, and the arguments he comes to me and apologizes. And tells me that it is all his fault, and tells me "I understand if you want to leave me, I am worthless, you should leave me". Sometimes i comfort him and tell him I won't leave, sometimes I don't have the strength and say nothing.

The truth is, I want to leave him. I am not sure why I do not. I am not afraid of being alone, not afraid of financial problems, i can take care of myself. And yet, I find it very difficult to stop this nightmare and put an end to this marriage that is making me miserable. I want to be happy again.