I would like to be a more outgoing person, but I am CONSTANTLY afraid it's going to upset my husband. I just never know what I'm going to get from him on a daily basis. He left his old job back in November which he hated and has been at a new one since then and says he really loves this new job and everyone there. However, it is a customer service job and he has to deal with some unfriendly customers and there are a couple of guys he works with that can rub him the wrong way. I never know if he's going to come home happy or upset or tired and cranky. I'd say 90% of the time he's in a good mood. But I am just always worried that if I'm running an errand after work and it takes longer than I thought and I'm not home when he gets home that he'll be mad or if I go out with others after work (even if he knows I'm going out) and get home an hour after him, that he'll be upset. I have thought numerous times about volunteering at the animal shelter but I don't want to commit to a once a week 3 month period because if he's in a crappy mood, then I am immediately affected by it and I am unhappy and walking on eggshells and can't effectively volunteer because all I want to do is make everything okay and I'm too worried about him being upset.
I can't be my own person because my happiness is all dependent on making sure that he's happy. I hope every night when I'm waiting for him to come home that he had a good day so that we can have a good night. And I can tell from his first words out of his mouth when he gets home, by his tone, if he's in a good mood. If he isn't then I immediately become quiet and don't even talk to him because I'm afraid he's going to blow. I would love to go out with friends and not worry about "I wonder if he expects me home by 9:00 even though he said to have a good time and nothing about what time I should be home? Should I call him or if I get home at 9:30 is that okay or is he going to yell at me?" I actually am scared to call him. I feel like no matter when I call him that I am interrupting him. I certainly don't call him at work even though he doesn't think twice about calling me at work for silly reasons. I don't like calling him at home because I feel I'm interrupting his video game or his movie or his nap and he's going to be upset with me. He never thinks twice about calling me ever but I overthink everything and end up texting him every time unless I absolutely have to get an answer from him. Even when he still wasn't home at 1AM one morning when he said he would most likely be home by 9PM, I texted him because I didn't want to upset him by calling.
I've always been like this. I always made sure my mom was happy because so many times she'd give me the silent treatment for days, but never tell me what I did wrong. I mean I'd literally go outside for 10 minutes and come back inside and she'd all of a sudden not be talking to me...for like 3 days! I was so unhappy and couldn't sleep, eat, work, go out with friends because I was unhappy that she was upset at me. Then one morning I'd wake up and go out into the kitchen and she'd be all chatty with me and it was SUCH a weight lifted off my shoulders that she was happy again. I just can't be happy unless the others around me are happy. Even if they aren't happy for reasons totally unrelated to me, I still feel like it's my fault and I am the one who has to make them happy again.