I am in a very bad situation and am desperately looking for some insight. I once again searched the Internet to try to find some peace of mind and reassurance that my wife does not hate me and I am not crazy. Reading posts and blogs from people in similar situations helps me realize that the anger, hardships and abuse I suffer at the hand of my ADHD wife is not malicious, thus helping me cope.
I feel we have reached a point where her disorder combined with the way I have tried to handle it has brought me to a point where I can so no solution. Even though she has acknowledged a time or two that she probably has ADHD, its a topic I cant bring up without causing a huge fight. We have been together 3 years and I learned very early in our relationship that anger, nagging, and insisting will not help.
I think that in trying to support her and provide a life for her where she has as little stress and responsibility as possible, giving her an environment where she can work on her issues has only made things worst. I think I have been enabling her and allowing her to just settle in to her disorder. I cant mention her ADHD without her immediately yelling and screaming. In fact, even the tiniest suggestion or positive criticism only result in a fight. I have stopped asking her to do ANYTHING, knowing it wont get done, thus frustrating me and her. She barely holds down a job and not a week goes by where she doesn't perceive some mistreatment from a co-worker causing her to yell, scream, insult, and disrespect me as a way of coping. I don't argue back, knowing there is no winning and knowing that any little disagreement will quickly escalate to her spitting on me, giving me a black eye, breaking my nose, putting her cigarette out on me, breaking things in the house and saying horrible, hurtful things that leave scars that last much longer then the physical ones. Other then her job she does nothing else. I wake up early every day and bring her coffee in bed. She goes downstairs and is on the computer until the second she needs to get ready for work. When I get home from work in the evening she is on the computer until we go to bed. I am not exaggerating when I say I need to do everything. I work 50 hours a week, do ALL of the cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, caring for our 2 dogs and 2 cats. All without a single complaint because I felt I was helping to ease her stress and cluttered mind. I even wait on her like her personal servant. I love this woman more then I have loved any person in my life but I only seem to be enabling her. She barely notices I exist. She criticizes and insults me on a daily basis. I cant even remember a instance where she has done or even offered to do even the tiniest thing to make my day a little easier. I understand that its the ADHD that is the problem but I don't know what to do. I cant bring it up without being abused. I have learned that people with ADHD often misinterpret comments and facial expressions and have trouble accurately recalling things that have happened in the past but she will even scream at me during an argument claiming I did or said something 5 minutes earlier when in fact I never did. Is this common? I have lost count of the number of times I have been physically and verbally abused for something I never did, and the only way to make it stop is to agree with her and apologize for it. she makes no effort to improve in spite of seeing how tired, run down, and lifeless I have become.
I live my life walking on eggshells, afraid to say almost anything, fearing she will misinterpret it and flip out. Nothing I do is good enough for her. I feel lost and broken. The way she acts has caused everyone else in her life to give up. She hurts everyone who has loved her and pushes them away. I contemplate suicide on a daily basis. The ONLY reason I haven't killed myself is the thought of what will become of her if I am gone. I feel like I am out of options. I guess what I am looking for here is some insight from a woman with ADHD. I know this relationship is unhealthy for us both and I just don't know what to do.