I want to separate, husband doesn't

I keep hearing about husbands just leaving their family or not caring when their wife and children leave. I don't want to make light of those heartbreaking situations, but I find myself wishing my husband would be that way, because it would make leaving easier for me. Has anyone dealt with their husband just being broken when you talk about separating? I feel like a monster. I keep second guessing myself and asking if it's really THAT bad. I think of his good qualities and how he really is a good person, buried underneath disorders he refuses to get diagnosed and treated. But then I remember that if it wasn't THAT bad, I wouldn't keep getting to the point where I seriously consider divorce.


He really doesn't want to separate/divorce, but he feels like he has nothing to work on and won't go to therapy to help himself. I recognize that I have my own issues, ADD and anxiety, and I have become all too aware over the past couple years, how it affects other people. I know I need to work on myself. But he finds a way to blame everything on me. Even though I have ADD, I feel like the non ADD spouse in the marriage. I think he has some type of mood/personality/social disorder on top of ADHD, maybe depression and bad insomnia. The worst thing is hus inability to connect with me and let me in. I feel like there's a barrier there, like he's so busy in his own head, there's no room for anyone else. I feel like we've never connected on a deep level, everything is superficial and self serving. We've been married 12 years and I'm barely in my 30's. Do I want to be in my 60's and still with a man I can't connect with and feeling lonely? No. Even if I stayed with him until the kids were grown, we wouldn't last after that. i'm sure of it.


The other thing, is that his attitude in general, just sucks. He is so extra sensitive to everything, you can't even joke around him. You can't laugh or talk around him, he will just sigh, grab the TV remote and turn it way up, so if you're talking to someone you have to start yelling over it. You point one little thing out to him and he takes it as a huge criticism. Basically, he's no fun and I don't even want to be around him. I know these are symptoms of ADHD, but I'm not hopeful he will ever see and treat it. He's blissfully unaware of his path of destruction. He will tell me he loves me one minute, and speak down to me, insult me, or dismiss me the next minute and then he's confused why I'm mad. The arguments are getting worse and worse and I'm so tired of the stress.

A few days ago, I started to mentally separate from him and it was freeing. I realized I had been carrying around a burden our whole marriage, of trying to force him to be a certain way, act a certain way, erc. I didn't realized how much energy it drained from me and how much life it sucked out of me. I wish I had left sooner and it would have been easier on both of us. Why did I waste so much time, trying to will an apple into an orange? I feel bad for all the mean and hurtful things I've said and done to him over the years, hoping some miracle would help it to get through to him. I caused him damage over the years and I will carry that forever. I can't erase that and I can't erase the harm he's caused me, either. But I can put an end to it now.

I just hate seeing it hurt him so much. To him, his wife and kids are abandoning him. He would stay together forever in this miserable marriage, even when he is unhappy, too. I hate seeing him cry, even though I feel like it's a little manipulative. He may never see the tremendous amount of pain and lonliness he has caused me over the years and that kills me. I try telling him I don't want to hurt him and that I want him to get help for his own well being, but it just falls on deaf ears. That hurts. Everything hurts so much. I've been lonely our whole marriage, but surprisingly, I feel even lonelier now. I once had to leave my kids for 6 months for military training. That was over 8 yrs ago and has always been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've finally found something that tops that. I don't know how to deal with this pain. Even as we separate, I'm still carrying the burden of his pain.


Sorry this is longwinded, but just had to get it out there because the only other person I have to talk to about it, is my mom, who has been through two divorces. But she can't completely relate because her divorces were mutual decisions and she didn't have to feel the guilt of hurting her spouse. Just wondering if anyone can relate.