I want to talk about how I feel

I really don't have any purpose for this post other than that I just want to talk about how I have been feeling lately, and maybe see if anyone here is like me.

My dad has raging ADHD and has for as long as I can remember.  His untreated symptoms have always caused problems in my parents' marriage, and they're helping to drive him and my mother apart even further.  He won't accept treatment or counseling, and it doesn't help that instead of finding kinship with him, my mom has become obsessed with attending church.  My younger brother, 20, was diagnosed with ADD a few months back.  I'm 25, and I've always been the overachiever in the family.  I double-majored and graduated with a 3.9 GPA and a binder full of honors and awards.  I'm the organizer in my little family (me and my boyfriend.)  I have never had trouble keeping appointments or deadlines straight and I have an excellent memory.  But my boyfriend and I have been fighting like cats and dogs since day one, and I'm starting to wonder if it isn't because I might have ADHD.  He was diagnosed with ADD as a child, but doesn't show many symptoms other than disorganization, stress, poor memory, and bouts of depression.  I, however, have out of control emotions all over the spectrum.  I get raging furious with him at times, lash out irrationally, and stay that way for HOURS.  On the downhill of those outbursts, I become dismally depressed.  (I was treated for depression and anxiety in college, but before he and I started dating I was able to manage those symptoms.  I'm not very good at it anymore.)  We've been going to a counselor for months now, and it's helped a lot.  But I really feel like everything is my fault, even though my boyfriend is a hotheaded drama queen, too.  He just won't admit it.  Our focus is always on me and my problems-- until we started dating, I had no idea I was this f'ed up.  I feel so screwball that I just want to retreat and hide.  And when I think back, this is exactly what I used to do in high school when close friends started having similar issues with my raging emotions... I just bailed.  But I love him, and I don't want to bail, so there's just this vicious cycle of me going ballistic, him going ballistic, me getting depressed, him getting depressed, us leveling out, then it all starts over again.  I do eeeevvvvvveryyything to treat my issues-- I have been listening to self-help podcasts and reading self-help books for over two years now, and I treat my depression very successfully with herbal remedies.  I just don't know what to do about the complete lack of emotional control I seem to have.  I feel like a worthless, stupid, weak person, like a drain on my boyfriend, and like the focus is on Crazy Brenna and all her drama 24/7.  I feel like I'm in a nuthouse, but I don't feel like I belong there.  It's just I had no idea that so many things were wrong with me... Something new seems to come up every day.

You may well have ADHD!

Hi sweetie,

your post hit a major chord with me. If you click on my username, you can read through my old posts. i think my first post is similar to yours. Like you, I am female, over-achieving, and have a history of depression and poor emotional regulation. The pattern you describe- anger-depression- was my exact pattern. I struggled for years wondering what was wrong with me. I sought therapy a few times looking for answers and was diagnosed with depression.

finally last year I was properly diagnosed and medicated. It surprised me because I didn't have a lot of the hallmark signs of ADHD. I have an awesome scholastic and work record. But sure enough, I do have it and the meds helped me tremendously. Like you, I had been trying to treat myself for many years. I ate a clean diet, quit drinking, got plenty of sleep and regular workouts. All those things helped, but I still struggled daily to 'control myself' and to love myself in spite of my very obvious flaws. Finding out I had an actual neurological condition helped tremendously. I read everything I could get my hands on and have added vitamin d and fish oil to my treatments. I am also doing cognitive behavioral therapy with my psychiatrist once a week. It all helps tremendously. The meds are the last piece of the puzzle- they instantly made a profound difference for me after years of struggle. I am off of them right now (I was pregnant and am now breast feeding my newborn still), but I can't wait to go back on them. 

definitely get things checked out. See a specialist if you can. You don't have to live with so much turmoil. Things can be much easier. My heart goes out to you! Good luck! :)