There should be a support group for co-dependents married to ADDers. So far, I am learning that Co-dependents want others to fill their needs of happiness and security - like our parents gave us security and purpose when we were young. We work to be needed because of habits learned from our childhood in how we were able to garner worth and love from them by being who they wanted us to be. There may have been an emotionally distant or narsistic parent that we were the "good child" for. We learned how to not ask for things or expect things for us or even have problems or express emotions. We catered to someone in our upbringing who was not able to cater to us in the same way. My sisters were telling me this for years and years, but until my mother died last year, I was not seeing it. I thought my sisters were just selfish, mean, rebelling brats and not being loving to our mother who for some reason I felt sorry for and tried to understand. I was being the obedient, compliant child (my purpose) not realizing that by being that way I was getting what I wanted at the time (security, peace of mind and purpose). But I was not developing into a thriving, self-reliant adult. It is where I am today trying to make sense of why I find myself in this mother/child relationship with dh. My life is mainly about OTHERS. I wanted to be used and loved like the Velveteen Rabbit. I thought it was love and goal-worthy. But if I am miserable, I am no good to anyone, including dh or myself so I can't be like that anymore in this situation. I need to find a different way to give of myself without draining myself and getting nothing to fill myself back up again. Codependent Anonymous is saying that no one should expect someone or something on this earth to make up happy but that through prayer and faith and something similar to a 12 step program, a person can find strength and courage to be happy.
If interested see the description of codependent on this link: http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm