Submitted by MrsS. on 02/26/2016.
Hi it’s my first time posting on this very helpful group. And I have to tell you I command you all for your determination in fighting and or embracing your challenge that is ADD or ADHD. I’m coming to you without judgement but I need to talk to you about my situation and I wish someone could help me deal with this situation. I am not diagnosed with this condition. My husband is. I wasn’t told he had ADD until December 26th of last year. I only knew he was dyslexic and that is the only information I was aware of.
I always thought something else was going on but I never could figure it out until my mother-in-law told me, well you knew he had Attention Deficit Disorder when you married him! I said WHAT!!! She never told me I swear, because honestly I would have sought help for him sooner than I did. My marriage wouldn’t have been as miserable as it has for the past 3 years. My husband can hardly remember his phone number, his address, forget about finances. He just goes to work and I manage finances. I pay all the bills, he cannot be trusted with money because on top of that he has a food addiction… There is a lock on my fridge (I’m not even kidding) I’m so tired of having this parent child relationship it drains the heck out of me and I feel like I’m stuck in this marriage where not all information were giving to me. Now I’m not going to sit here and play the victim, because nobody forced me to marry him, but things were different when he was pursuing me. He was kind, lovable, and attentive to my needs… I guess I had his full attention then…. Now he can go on all day in front of his Japanese cartoons or video games and it’s as if I don’t exist. I’m on the verge of separation because I don’t know how much longer I can go on in this relationship. It’s not even about love anymore because I don’t feel like this man can elevate my intellect, that he understands my inner thoughts. You know like most of the time I feel he doesn’t get it… I’m always the one yelling, arguing telling him what to do and looking like the bad crazy wife in front of our family and friends. I’m miserable, unhappy and out of love with this man… The happy pictures of my wedding are showing a whole different reality of my life now…
He started his medication yesterday (Concerta) they started him on the smaller dose for a week and progressively they will increase it if I don’t see improvement… And I kid you not when I tell you the neighbor called me today to tell me my door was wide open today… He had forgotten to lock the door… This is just my reality… Forgetting to lock doors, forgetting keys, disorganization… I could go on and on. But I guess you know the symptoms better than I do. I needed to vent… Thanks for reading.. . I need help…
P.S Sorry for my English, I’m French speaking.. Sorry for my mistakes.
We are only as stuck as we choose to be
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
MrsS.,
This is a very powerful statement:
I’m miserable, unhappy and out of love with this man…
Those are 3 big identifying statements. . Now the thing you will have to decide is what you are willing to do to change those things. Do you want to try to work on your relationship with your spouse, or are you done? That would be a place to start.
With my kind regards,
Liz
I still have feelings for him
Submitted by MrsS. on
I still have feelings for him, a part of me wants to see how the medication will improve my marriage. I don't know if it sounds crazy...
Expectations
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
MrsS..
It really doesn't matter how it sounds to anyone but you. A marriage is two imperfect people who promise to love each other and work through conflict.
I can be hopeful for you that medication will help your spouse choose to take care of his own issues so he can them work on your marriage.
Do you feel as you are all alone in this? Does your spouse have any responsibilities of how you feel?
Sincerely,
Liz
The problem is that he never
Submitted by MrsS. on
The problem is that he never acknowledge that he has a problem. His mother overprotected him and hid this information for him. She had him later in life (38) and i guess dealing with his dyslexia was enough and they don't really believe in taking medication in his family... But I'm at the point that at least I was able to make him take the Concerta... Don't know when I will see improvement as I don't know what signs to look for. I want him to be able to take care of himself without having me tell him what to do all the time... I just feel exhausted... What f something happen to me. How will he pay the bills, the taxes, electricity... He gets an allowance every week cause he can't be trusted with money cause he would spend it on electronics or food or video games... He's 33 years old not 13!!! I feel like I married a 13 year old man and due to my religious beliefs I can't divorce if there was no infidelity...
I agree with Liz
Submitted by NonADHD on
Hi,
What medication is he on. What identifiable symptoms does he have? Liz is right, settle down and think this through. His actions mean no harm to you, trust me. Distance, anger are a part of ADHD. Go on Youtube abd review Dr. Berkely on ADHD, then read here, you will gain a lot of insight into the cognitive medical disorder, you can find it in the DSM-IV, the manual of psychologists if you need to. I too didn't know until after but it is what it is. I have committed to my wife and my marriage as many on here have, so you need to become familiar with it.
Blind Sided MrsS
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi S,
What you've said here is some really valuable insight I think. Not just for you personally...but in terms of your H as well. I think this might provide you with a better means to use this to your advantage if you can apply the same insight that you are seeing to use in a way to communicate this to your husband (possibly) to break the ice and spark a change in the way your H see's himself.
What you said here is telling..... "His mother overprotected him and hid this information for him."
Stop here for a moment and consider why? For his protection or her's (the families)? Before youu answer that question....read again what you said here..
"She had him later in life (38) and i guess dealing with his dyslexia was enough and they don't really believe in taking medication in his family..."
This is where I might be able to provide you with a different or alternative perspective to his family that you might not be considering. This is something that I am very familiar with from my own experience (me having ADHD). Not necessarily the exact one that you are describing...but similar in one aspect. I think your guess is in the ball park about about one thing..."his dyslexia was enough". Bingo....but why did you say this? "And they don't believe in taking medication"......
I don't think that's all they don't believe in. Think about it? Why don't they believe in taking medication? Before you say it's because of a religious or moral belief (if it is?).....consider at least that there might be another belief hidden underneath the one that they might tell you or the one they say it is based on some philosophical ideology (even if they believe that themselves). What is it that was enough for them? Apply what you are saying yourself in respect to the things that are causing you all the problems in your marriage and transfer that to his family...and then specifically to an over protecting mother?
What is it that they are all being so protective of and trying to protect him from ? (going back to his childhood and mother again). What would it say if a person needs drugs or medication for something? It says they are sick, or damaged or injured......or flawed and imperfect. What would the neighbors say? What would the other parishioners at church say? How would that reflect on how well his parents raised their child if they had to admit that he had some kind of problem? I think his dyslexia was just the tip of the ice berg but yet that probably was nothing they could really hide from everyone else so they were kind of forced to admit that since it was probably very obvious.....especially too the teachers who schooled your h. Probably can't hide that but dyslexia might be somewhat more acceptable to present outwardly to everyone else? Thinking more likely the case and why he can admit to it too.
If you see his family as not bad people....but one's who were trying to hide or avoid something.....it points directly to feeling their own shame embarrassed and trying to avoid having to admit that their son had a problem.....and his mother was not protecting your h but the families ( and her ) public image. At the core of this despite anything they might say (or said to your h growing up).....the shame of having a child who did not fit the mold and was flawed or imperfect was too much too bear ( too much..or...enough). Where are our bragging rights? Where do we say how proud we are of him? Where do we glow in the light of producing a perfect son who show our good taste and moral values when ever he walks out the door and socializes with the community at large What must this say about US (the family and mother and father)....if we can't raise a son who can go out and represent our morals and values when he goes out into the community? What will it say if he has to take a drug for a mental condition. "Oh my! What will they think of us!" They, being the public at large or how they will appear within the circles they are most familiar with. If this overrides/overrode their decision making process in favor of themselves and at the expense of your h growing up....the message or lesson this teaches you is that you should be ashamed of having ADHD (or a mental condition) and therefore within this thining and the lesson it teaches you.....you should be ashamed of yourself and you need to hide it or keep it out of sight which breeds denial and shame.
Shame = silence (hiding), judgment ( what will the neighbors think?) and denial ( telling him that nothing is wrong with him and he his perfect just the way he is ) "nothing wrong here., you're just fine" and in essence.....so are we if that's the case? Think about it....it fits perfectly?
Who's this "we" here? In the case of your h.....this "we" was only his parents not him but in respect to what I just said....."we" becomes him and we are ashamed of you. And the source of this shame....is his ADHD (and dyslexia). He then becomes just an extension of his parents failure and belief that not being perfect is something to be ashamed of. His parents shame along these lines (producing a defective child with and embarrassing shameful disorder) which he had nothing to do with or any part in creating (himself and his ADHD that is).
When you are a child growing up....there is no way to rationalize this any other way than to take all of this on personally and believe it's YOU the person....who has let everyone down and disgraced your families integrity. Which is complete and utter nonsense and a huge pile of bullshit....all of it! But you don't know that at the time....or until you come to this realization yourself.
So the very denial and shame of the parents (the sins of the father/mother) get downloaded onto you along with their shame...and their completely dysfunctional and errant way of thinking. It really is a form of child abuse in no uncertain terms.
This overprotection by his mother for her sake not his (and the denial in order for someone to do this....theirs not his in this case) gets perpetuated and taught to you (having ADHD) as a means to keep you believing it's all you....and nothing to do with them.
In other words....."it's your problem....not ours."
This is the message of shame that this sends and in turn.....when you get to be an adult who faces this situation again. Guess what you use as a defense? The same ones your parents taught you. Denial and hide shame at all costs but now.....in defense of yourself.
Who's at fault for the reason this happened....your H....or his parents and this thinking that goes along with it?
And what's the most common response that you hear repeatedly on this forum by the wives he are married to these people in denial?
"There's nothing wrong with me....it must be you. You're the problem not me." Again....stop and consider this when you are trying to decide the best way to deal with this. I can tell you without question.....this is the cause and where it all starts.
And I can tell you without question living this very experience yet a bit differently that it sounds from your H. It exactly why this happens....and exactly where this behavior and the denial comes from in your H. This is not something that just happens spontaneously from having ADHD or from ADHD itself. You learn it because you were taught to believe these lies. This is where the lying come from as well. Hide shame at all cost and lie if you have to.
They're the same lies you learned from your own parents who taught them too you. How else would someone learn to do this? You don't start out this way I can tell you.
In respect to your H and how he got this way (the denial and shame)....none of this was his fault. It was transferred to him by the very shame his parents carried with them and the very thing that causes it. Whether it was intentional or not on his parents part....it's still 100% their responsibly here. When you are a child that is.... is the only time that takes you off the hook completely 100% for being misguided and for the weakness's of your own parents. You are truly a victim of circumstance with no recourse available to you and no where to go run and hide from it since you live it.... and this is imposed/reinforced onto to you on a daily basis....one day at a time until it gets hammered into your thinking and effects how you see and feel about yourself. This is the very corner stone in all of this and shame is at the core.
This isn't excuse for your husband now however.....it only explains how this happens and why. The only default he knows in other words....is to default back to when he was a child in the same response he was conditioned to respond this way. It really is all you know until you know something different.
So in turn when confronted by the child parent dynamic which is so common with couples with ADHD.....denial, regression and not accepting responsibly are by default....the very thing you do as a response. It's what you were taught... and the message that was sent you as what you do in this situation.
The question that remains is....how do you get him to see this so he can realize what happened too him? So he can see it's not HIM ( the person) but just his ADHD symptoms that are causing you the problem. Him vs ADHD symptoms. Two completely separate and different things.....that and the behaviors that this caused and where they come from. ADHD vs being abused..... and taught to think this way by the ignorance and denial of his own parents. That's why this can be changed and there is control over this much at the very least but it has to start on that level in order to see it before you can do anything else about it. ADHD is not the source or the cause of what you are describing and you can change that as soon as you change the thinking that created this mess.....on both sides of the coin.
Just one thing I wanted to mention about the medication. If you try and apply what I said to taking a pill to solve this or stop these behaviors.....picture someone giving you a car ( and you've never seen one or knew they even existed ) and then they said....."here you go, this should solve your transportation problems." And then they just turned and walked away without any instructions of what a car is or the faintest idea of how to use it?
If you can understand it from that perspective. The medication won't do anything for you unless you learn how to take advantage of it. If you don't learn how to drive a car or even how to start it.....it won't get you anywhere and won't solve the problem at all. You'll still be walking every where you go with the car sitting there doing nothing. If that's the expectation you have that ADHD medication is going to fix any behavioral problems your h has.....then your thinking here... in believing something that is not possible in the first place....thinking it is possible won't help your situation either. All it will do is make you feel more hopeless and frustrated and waiting for something to happen that won't ever happen because this won't do anything for the things you are looking for it to do. The only thing tha the meds might do is make things feel a little easier or better for him....but he still needs to get out that same way of thinking he learned and learn to do thins differently. A pill cannot teach you anything in this way and that's the only solution in learning how to use it and the advantage it gives you. Behaviors vs ADHD symptoms.
J
J are you a psychologist...
Submitted by MrsS. on
J are you a psychologist... Your reasoning is PERFECT. I had THIS GUT feeling they didn't tell me everything. And they are a kind of family that are in denial about a lot of things. Like if we don't talk about it it's not an issue... I so wish you spoke french so you could explain it to me in my mother tongue so I could grasp everything you mentionned. Wish you would talk to my husband in terms that he could understand and that you could help in any way... You are right all along, but How do I teach him to drive the car. Right now he is in front of the tv playing videogames... You would think that he would want to spend time with me it's Saturday night... No I'm in my room alone writing to you on my ipad alone in the dark in our room. He will wait until I fall asleep to come to bed... At least the fridge is lock... That's my life...
Very well said... it
Submitted by Unlucky Elle on
Very well said... it encourages me to stick by this man!
Is there a religion that has that rule?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>>
due to my religious beliefs I can't divorce if there was no infidelity...
>>>
I didn't realize that there was a religion with that rule. May I ask which religion that is? I'm guessing that you're French since you mentioned speaking French, but maybe you're not.
My religion is very much against divorce, but there isn't an infidelity rule.
I don't blame you for being angry/annoyed that his family kept the ADHD info from you. My H's family NEVER told me that my H had a MAJOR mental breakdown while he was in college, had to leave for about 18 months for treatment. Since he returned, graduated, and got a grad degree, I never knew about it. I didn't meet him until he was 28, so I didn't know his graduation year for undergrad. If I had, I would have wondered why it was 3 semesters "late". I am very angry that H never told me, and his family never told me. Nor did they tell me that he had seen a psychiatrist as a young child and was on heavy medications (more than Ritalin). During those times, H was never really told what was wrong with him - likely protocol of the time - don't upset someone by telling them that they're mentally ill.
So, I understand your frustrations. It sounds like your H is employed, which is a plus. My H's redeeming quality was that he always earned a high income (thank goodness!). My heart really goes out to those who post whose husbands either won't work or constantly lose jobs or are under-employed. There's no way that I would support a grown man unless he came down with cancer or some other debilitating illness. If someone is well enough to play video games or surf the net, they're healthy enough to work.
Is your H seeing a therapist? If not, he should. And you should as well, either a couples therapist or one just for you.
We are Jehovah's witnesses
Submitted by MrsS. on
We are Jehovah's witnesses and my husband is not seeing a therapist. I just heard about the ADD on December 26th... So he started the lower dose of concerta last tuesday. He does work for UPS but the hours are not enough... I'm the one with the higher salary and that makes me angry at times cause I end up always cooking and cleaning cause most of the chores he does I have to go after him and fix it cause he rarely does it like I want it to be done. I love a tidy home. All my furnitures are white....
I can relate since "I'm So Exhausted"
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
MrsS.,
I spent a really long time trying to 'make my marriage work.' I am a Christian. On my wedding day in 1984, I planned to be married to my spouse 'till death do us part.' I had lots of people telling me what to do, how to think, what I was doing wrong, how i was not being a good Christian wife, how they would not help me unless my husband was with me, and the one that probably took the cake was "Until you are obedient to God's directions and get baptized by immersion, you will continue to suffer."
My marriage is between me, my spouse, and God. I made promises to my spouse and he made promises to me. I an listen to suggestions, ideals, and advice, but in the end, I gotta live my life. It is mine. My faith is important to me. Actually my faith is EVERYTHING to me.
I have learned very recently that my attempt at being The Best Christian Wife was skewed. I can make choices for myself. I can sift my thoughts, words, and intentions through the Bible and make decisions for my self. I need to whole heartedly believe I am receiving the value of our wedding vows as well as giving them.
These are what are important to me: The Beatitudes and The Ten Commandments.
Matthew 5:3-10
"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they who mourn,
for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure of heart,
for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they shall be called children of God.
Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
The 10 Commandments Exodus 20:2-17
You shall have no other gods before Me.
You shall not make idols.
You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Honor your father and your mother.
You shall not murder.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
You shall not covet.
The beauty of my Christian Faith is that the value of my marriage encompasses all the teachings in the Bible. Matthew 22: 36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37 And Jesus replied to him, “ ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment.39 The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for others].’ 40 The whole Law and the [writings of the] Prophets depend on these two commandments.”
My faith is more than - "I can never get divorced." It is so much more. I was stuck there for a long time. I am no longer stuck.
Very truly,
Liz
Beautiful
Submitted by MrsS. on
Thank you for sharing these scriptures with me. I will meditate on them.
Venting alongside with you..
Submitted by tiredmomma1 on
My husband finally "self diagnosed" a few years back and it made complete sense, but I believe his mother has known since he was a child he had ADHD. In fact, she even had the doctor medicate him when he was a child because he was so hyper. When I asked her what medication she claims not to remember. Bet you it was a stimulant med! When I confronted her once and told her about his issues she claims he is perfectly fine. She knows he is not! She used his childhood to write off any concern I had for my majorly ADHD child- my oldest, who later we found out also had Autism. I really believe if I had followed my intuition and not listened to her that he would outgrow it and gotten him evaluated younger like I should, my child would have gotten diagnosed with Autism way back then.
I know I am getting off topic, but it makes me so mad. His mother and family clearly knew he had issues, and watched me struggle with trying to run a household in his absence and raise a child with Autism and another one with issues all on my own while they knew their son was being unreliable, not helping a bit, coming and going as he pleased. They knew he had anger and control issues as a young adult and didn't try to get him any help or guidance for it. So I married him and basically walked right into a dictatorship where he made all the decisions and I just had to deal with it, alongside doing all the work and forcing me to work outside the home. Because I married in my early twenties I felt this killed any independance quite a bit and made it hard for me to learn to make decisions on my own. I've since grown a back bone and taken some control of the chaos- he at least lets me be in charge of making sure my kids get the medical and mental health help they need. But even that was a battle for many years and he would hide the medical bills and refuse to pay them and we lost several doctors and therapists they had that were excellent because of bills going to collections without me knowing. I remember my mother in law telling me I should take pride in my house and decorate it to my taste and things like that and me just being confused. Because my husband basically had control of everything and I wasn't given a say in anything, the house didn't even feel like it was mine. I felt like an occupant in his home. I wish to God now I could get him to try medication. Nothing works! He was taking a supplement for awhile that helped and then stopped randomnly. It had zero side effects too. I don't understand it, but we are back to square one. I feel like his mother didn't bother with him and knew the hell I was about to step into and just stood back and smiled as she watched me flounder and struggle.
Hello MrsS....
Submitted by c ur self on
(I would have sought help for him sooner than I did)..... (I’m so tired of having this parent child relationship it drains the heck out of me)....( I’m always the one yelling, arguing telling him what to do ).....(This is just my reality)....
I think your answer (your help) can be found in these 4 statements...He has a reality, his mind produces a life style....You have a reality, your mind produces a life style....Do your best to not make his reality yours....It sounds like you may have lost yourself....I did...But I'm making an effort to go back to being the person I was when I met my wife (except for the bad stuff:)....I vowed to Love her under any condition....If I stay offended about those conditions when all I should be doing is being an example of that Love, then I make her reality my excuse. My excuse for not loving under any circumstance....Let him be who he is, it will bring clarity to him when you quietly walk away from words or actions that there is no answer for.....
Don't think you have to understand or agree....If I continue to judge what my wife should be doing or what she should be capable of doing is more the point here... It will always rob me of my ability to be the husband I should be...It steals my focus, my peace and hinders my obligation to Love....
Many reading your post knows exactly what your dealing with and has empathy for you, But, please just don't let the expectations rob you of the beauty of your own life.....
I've had to ask myself if my wife was a friend or neighbor would I be more understanding about her symptoms? Would I just smile and go on with my day, after I called her on her job to let her know her front door was standing open? So, if the answer is yes, and it is :(, what's up with that???
C
Expectations
Submitted by MrsS. on
My biggest problem in my life... What happens when you have too many expectations... You get dissapointed.... And I cannot seem to not have them... I need a therapy to see where does this behavior comes from...
Believe me I understand.....
Submitted by c ur self on
We all do it to some degree....**We're not ready for what we get, when we are looking for what we want**....I can write miles of words to explain why you and I are right! I can get mad and adamantly proclaim her terrible behavior should stop!, and believe me I have:)..Ha Ha.......But it didn't change anything, not for the good that is....I can never change the actions of another person, they will have to desire that themselves....
So? why don't we just learn to accept what we see before us, and be at peace w/ that?....Just because you and I accept our spouses doesn't mean we agree, but, we can have peace with it...And move on and live our lives without it dominating our every thought....At that point it is self-inflicted....Think about it....
Bless you!
C
Yes...acceptance...
Submitted by Delphine on
Right, C...this is the conclusion I have reached myself. I think that fighting someone's tendencies, getting mad etc., only makes things worse. "What you resist, persists." Doesn't mean we can't make certain choices for ourselves, which may include leaving a relationship. But in my experience, when we approach things with love, acceptance and forgiveness, this happens a lot more easily for all concerned.
Well I'm getting a divorce.....
Submitted by MrsS. on
I just came back to read my initial post and realized that almost a year later, nothing has changed... Things got actually worst, from his porn addiction that I discovered in June until just recently him lying behind my back and being registered on dating website... This was the last strike... I will no longer try to make him see that he needs to change and seek help. Went to a therapist with him and she told me that she never in all her career have seen anything as clearly as two people needed a divorce ASAP... She said he will never meet my expectations and he will never be able too... Unfortunately I regret that my marriage didn't work. But like my therapist suspects, I don't think we're only dealing with ADD here.... How does he not know how to put a plan into action but he knows very well how to look for porn and try to hide it from his wife? I'm done, I choose me...
We can't divorce for financial reasons.... Tired of this BS
Submitted by MrsS. on
Well it seems to me that we can't get a divorce right away as we do not have enough equity on our condo for me to buy him off. That would mean that I would have to take a personal loan to buy him off and right now I have way too much on my plate. I told him to leave and send me his half of the mortgage as he would still be an owner... He called his parents and they encouraged him to live with me as a roommate until he gets his $$$ (Don't ask....)
Well at least I was encourage to stop having "husband expectations" of him.. So we live under the same roof, he already took on the guest room over a year ago so that's no problem. It's just that I'm going to have to be upset at things that I would expect a husband to do that he's not doing. That will be a learning process for me.
He has the inattentive type. So it seems like something is off all the time.... Like it just doesn't click in his brain! You have to tell him what to do all the time, he has no initiative, he never bring a plan into action. Start a project and finish it. It's so hard to have to manage my finances, his finances... Oh yes he holds a job but he doesn't bring in a million dollars either. So I have to carry most of the load on top of having to redo the chores that he has to do and that he doesn't do properly in the household. He can't hold a conversation... Like talk about politics and what's going on in the world. He only talks about what interests him, video games, Nintendo, and his Japanese anime...
When he was dating me, he was so attentive to me, my needs, making me happy... He did everything he could to put a smile on my face... But I later found out that it was the hyper focused part and now I could die in the house he couldn't careless... Every woman needs to feel loved, be validated, feel like they mattered. I resend his parents for hiding this HUGE piece of information from me. Now I have to live with a man I can't stand for God how long... At least I won't have to cook for him anymore cause it seems that it's the only thing aside from his Concerta that gives him Dopamine. He has a food addiction, he has a porn-addiction and I recently found out he registered on dating sites, Badoo and meetme.com. So you can only imagine my frustration. Whenever it is to do what's good for his relationship he can't.... Cause of his "limitations". But when it's to do what's bad, he knows exactly what do do.... Isn't that something.... The therapist said that it must be something else aside from his ADD... Maybe some kind of retardation of some sort. It feels like you deal with a teenager. Really like he was 13 years old... He lies for no reason and ALWAYS blames someone else for his actions. No accountability EVER. The therapist we saw said that he would have to VOLUNTARILY seek a psychiatric evaluation..... I'm just lost for words...
I am sorry, MrsS....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
I do understand much of what you have said here. I have no answers except keep yourself first as you navigate this. I am also inclined to say that your H's behavior is not all attributed to adhd. There appears(in my opinion, humble) that SOMETHING else is here also. Stepping back and learning what is and isn't adhd may bring to light more answers to questions you haven't asked yet.
I wish you the very best and will keep you in my prayers.
Thank you
Submitted by MrsS. on
He definitely has ADD with inattentive type, but there is something other than that... He's dyslexic on top of that but really I just wish somebody in my family would just win some $$$ give me 20K so I could be done with this marriage!
Roommate
Submitted by sickandtired on
Hi MrsS. I tried the roommate situation to allow my XBF to become a less dependent person in general and financially from me, and it was miserable. My XBF acted a lot like yours in some respects. He acted like a 13 year old, expressing interest in other women. He never took responsibility for anything. He was addicted to things, not food, but he was addicted to the computer and buying broken things to fix and resell, rather than going out and finding a real job. The house was always a big mess that he would leave because he never finished projects, only started them. Do any of these behaviors sound like your H? I am curious if you would like to share with us how does your H deal with anger? My X was reasonable at first, but as the years went by, he was angry about everything. His anger started to affect me even though I was merely his roommate, he hardly ever left the house, so I was almost as miserable as when I was his girlfriend. He could not respect the new boundaries of being my roommate, although he wanted all of his freedom. The only peace I ever got was when I got him out of my house and totally out of my life. He dragged the roommate situation out a lot longer than I figured...it can take years if you are afraid of standing up for yourself totally. Imagine slowly tearing a bandage off...feeling a long amount of pain, or just ripping it off and getting it over with all at once. You won't be able to start a new life until he is totally out of your life. Could you maybe just sell your condo or rent it out and live somewhere else? Please think about these kinds of options before you settle for living with someone who makes you feel like this.
Don't worry!
Submitted by MrsS. on
I know exactly what you are telling me girl and trust me when I tell you that it's not going to be dragged longer than it should. Unlike your ex. My husband is completely passive. He never reacts to anything, he does everything you tell him to do. The only time he got mad and I got scared cause he was holding me back, was when I went to brake his stuff. I would do that to cause a reaction I learned from my therapist. The reason why I'm not selling the condo is because he would be left with nothing cause he's the one who put the down payment on the house, I only purchased the furniture, so if he doesn't leave the country with his share of money that he honestly invested I wouldn't feel like it's right and I can't afford lending 20K right now cause I have my own debts, etc.... BUT I might get another job soon (they contacted my references... So I'm hoping) So it shouldn't take too long for me to manage this situation...
As for his behavior, until I broke the Wii, he would spent hours playing video games. But since he got got with the porn I even change the wi-fi password that I intend to give him back now if we're doing this roommate temporary situation... Cause I could careless now. I won't cook. I will only clean and do my part of the chores. I will still manage the finances but be more transparent with him about the money that is spent....
Anger
Submitted by sickandtired on
I guess part of what I am trying to say about living with my X is that it made me feel angry and it changed me into a person I did not want to be. My ex husband was addicted to internet porn and I was so angry at him I broke his computer. My anger changed me into a person I didn't like, and it took me a long time to get back on the road toward healing myself after that.
I agree with you anout changing into another person
Submitted by MrsS. on
trust me I'm the same, I became verbally aggressive, physically aggressive, saying words I've never thought I could say in my life... That resentment you felt, the anger, that's my reality... But not seeing him as a husband anymore made my anxiety level went down since yesterday actually.... I'm taking back my life now... I've already went through the grieving part about the marriage itself... I'm over that... Just want to hurry up and show this man the way to the door!
Living as if separated?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Are you living as if you were separated? Because if not, the signing up to date thing sounds like crossing a line. Might it help to have set up some very specific rules? Such as "yes, either of us can date, but we can't spend more than $X on aonther person" and "those we are dating cannot be brought home, nor mentioned to the other person" and "we will split expenses this way" and "keep our accounts that way"
Now it is possible that in your situation this will muddy the water rather than clear it. But it may be a conversation worth having.
Living as seperated
Submitted by MrsS. on
I'm not dating anyone because it's not part of my religious beliefs. I will wait until I am free to date somebody who will make me feel loved and cared for. And most importantly loved.... All I miss right now is a hug and tender love and care....
Everything you have said
Submitted by Unlucky Elle on
Everything you have said seems to reflect what I am going through! Just that - it's undiagnosed!!! Been with him for 32 years and saw the changes. When he was in love... he was the most passionate, craziest, and every breath I took he knew! Over the years- he has become anti social, has to do things for shock value- dresses crazily, always cyber chatting with women through dating sites, cares nothing about money, thing, time, life and I don't even exist. Flares into such horrible tempers and then actsas if nothing happened! When he drinks, he overdoes it and doesn't know how he is behaving - he drives rashly and has had many accidents. However at times he is very warm, helpful to people, ready to run errands and doesn't want to leave my side. But there is no affectionate talk, no caring for me or none of the earlier spark. I remind him he is becoming like his mum- she terrorized all- but only that last few months it hit me that she has ADHD and this guy has inherited it. I am stuck with no choices. My sisters would advise me not to leave him cause he needs help now more than ebefore and trust me only I can understand him. People call me patient- tolerant - non interfering and understanding- he thinks I am the stark opposite- folks come to me for counseling and even advised I set up a cell as I mentor rather well!!!
I am expecting no solution but need someone to confide in- been holding this baggage for a bit too long.
In spite of all this- my tip - spouses need to be only loving ( only only only), cannot afford to even be irritated, no harsh words, loving and caring- in spite of the word backlash it will get- can diffuse it and carry on. OR just leave- these folks will never be able to change!!