Identifying "Walls" Progress and Hope

Hey All....I'm back for a brief update ( now I'm on the hook? LOL )  Okay, this is as much for me as anyone else so I don't forget?  As I am calling a "Wall", it is the invisible frustrating thing that you can't put your finger on, but you know it's there.  I'm going to go off of an assumption, that you Non-ADHD partners, probably now this too, but only from experiencing it coming from the outside and hitting against it but not actually having it yourself?  Possibly, it is something you are aware of yourself ( in yourself ) but possibly not to the same degree? ( thinking that might be very close to being accurate )

So, as I am saying this, I am also seeing that there are definitely more than one and it really isn;t just one wall, but many different ones you may find yourself smacking up against, but not fining anyway through to the other side.  That is, the side where your spouse is on and why this is so frustrating. This all came about, when I actually was reminded of this from college years ago when I was studying psychology in research and statistical analysis in this field of study  ( if I remember ...vaugely?? LOL )  Anyway, less important....but more important was what I ran across and had one of those "Ah Ha!" moments.

In the context of what I am attempting to say....that these walls are all "self limiting behaviors" as you might see them from the outside.....but from inside from the perspective of the person who has them, they are really "self limiting thoughts or thinking".  Another term you could use here is a "glass ceiling".   For now ( which I might come back and add more later)...I wanted to identify and put a name on "one" in particular?  This was the one that I was reminded of and went  OMG!  That's a wall!! LOL

The name for this particular gem, is called "the better than average effect".  I'm not going back and looking up the exact definition since, I know this one by heart and I know it because I've been through it many times before.  I think if I recall, this is one of those things that is common to everyone and we are all born with this as a means to balance your self esteem......and a motivation to improve and do better?  The way this one works as I also recall ( as a child ) is.....you think that you are actually "better than you are" at something, when in fact....you have no idea what you are doing? LOL  And we all start out thinking this way, until something comes along to compare yourself too, and then you go "uh oh......I think I miscalculated my own ability or just how good, I thought I was?"  And the only way for that to happen, is when you have something or someone to compare yourself too?  Otherwise, the tendency in everyone to do this ( especially as a kid ) is very strong and gets weaker as time goes on once you start failing and screwing up and keep fighting to improve as time goes on?  The limiting factors in your ability to see yourself and rate your own abilities are:

1)  You have to fail.  That's the point?  If you never fail, or attempt to do something out of fear, the tendency is, to stay thinking you are better than you really are?  Again, you have to have something to compare to and what you are comparing is how good you though you were, by how well you actually did?  Which makes sense if , you never fail...therefore, you have nothing to compare it too?  It being the base line of your own over inflated ability?  This isn't macho, self serving or just arrogantly thinking "too highly of yourself ".  This is more of just  being a dunder head, and not knowing any better. LOL  And there is a difference there for sure?  This is that thing, where you tell yourself...."Oh, I can do that...no problem".  And then you actually try and do it, and then theres a problem!! LOL  It's that one for sure.

2)  You have or had people, falsely build you up or tell you what a great job you did, when actually, you didn't do such a great job, so now you think you did better than you did because someone else blew smoke up your skirt and told you that  Or pants...either or?'  And then you believed them instead finding out for yourself, or even more often....you lied to yourself to make yourself feel better about it.

3)  You are simply in so much denial, out of self protection and protecting your fragile self esteem...that you actually contributed more of this on top of it...and now it's starts getting further and further away from the reality of what it is?  In part, this is due to all the negative thinking and negative thoughts you have about how others did, so you diminish their accomplishments....which only makes yours look better?

4) Environmental factors come into play in a very real way.  It was described as I recall ...in comparing Asian or eastern cultures to Western cultures and how that effects the results here.  In Asian cultures, its all about the group or the group succeeding together as a whole, and the individual accomplishments are down played more...and contribution to the group...is clearly weighed and measured appropriately compared to everyone in the group?  When the standard, is right out in the open...and everyone is watching and comparing your performance to theirs...this becomes clearly obvious when your performance is less or more than everyone else?

In Western society and culture, this is the opposite of that.  Individualism, and individuality...is favored in comparison?  In the most extreme case, as I am thinking about this...is where you have a group of kids, doing an activity at the same time..and everyone gets an equal prize at the end?  There are no losers of winners in this type of scenario which may sound all good and fine, but what happens there is....the winners get diminished...and the actual losers or ones on the lower end of performance actually get an over inflated, inaccurate assessment of how they really did?  When every kid gets a prize...and there is no winner of loser?  Then no one ever fails...and everyone is on a flat line with nothing to compare yourself too?  This is that fine thin line that is difficult to determine?  Too much one way...and it goes negative in one direction?  Too much the other way...and it still has negative consequences and in this case...the consequence of never losing or failing, gives you a false sense of how well you really did.  And that right there, is the invisible wall that you can't see, but it's the wall of thinking that you are better on average, than you really are?  And the problem comes, when you actually have to face it, and look at it which goes against what you actually believe?  This is definitely tied...to humility...and until something humbles you and puts you down lower than you think....the tendency..is to maintain the higher level..until you are confronted with the undeniable truth or the results...posted, where everyone can seer and compare how well you did, compared to everyone else?

For now, that is probably the biggest wall, that you are hitting up against that is as invisible to you, as it is for the person who has it.  Okay,  I think that was reasonably short this time? LOL  I'll give myself a C+...even though, I really think it was more like a B-...but I know better than that!! ha!  Still working on it since it just never ends :)

J


 

Learning it's OK to lose; is what teaches us how to win!

Hi J...I say the same thing in a sense; I think?...From working with in my heart, I've come to realize the desire to feel good about ourselves will always out weigh our ability for self-awareness....Like you said, humility definitely plays a role in coming to peace with our limitations...To move past the "wall"...We have to come to the conclusion....*it's OK to be ourselves*...No matter what place we finish in the race!

C