I need to vent to someone who understands! We all know about the difficulties with finances when living with a spouse with ADHD. My spouse is self employed and I am in college. The 20th of the month is approaching - we have lots of bills due on the 20th - insurance, utilities, loan payments, etc. There is an upcoming work convention next weekend for my spouse and his business partner. 4 days away learning, 4 days with no income, plus the pending travel and hotel expenses. I remind my spouse of our approaching financial crunch time. Throw into the mix that he is very hesitant to hire an ADHD coach - because of tight finances.
So today I find out he is working 'for barter' for a $600 item. Himself, and two employees - who we have to pay - will be on the job. There is no other income on this job. I am annoyed that my spouse is buying something for himself for $600 - that is not a necessity - a firearm he wanted. I resent the impulsive barter - poor timing. It also irks me that he doesn't feel we have enough money to pay for an ADHD coach, but he will buy something - expensive and out of the blue - for himself. And he did not mention it to me. I heard the information about the job from an employee. . . .
Guess who handles the finances in our marriage. . . . yep, it is me.
Guess who has been working on not being his "mother?"
Yep, it is me.
Sigh.
Someone has to work
Submitted by jennalemon on
NIP THIS IN THE BUD NOW!!!. You can't go to college and he can't have his own business if you want to pay your bills. That is not going to work if you are supporting yourselves. Someone has to make a living and you must do a balance sheet. If you are planning to have college debt, don't put his bills on to your college debt. You will be resentful for years to come.
laughing
Submitted by lynninny on
Dear I'm So...
Good for you for trying to laugh. On a serious note, I recognize in hindsight that my own ADHD spouse saw things as much more separate than I did. I would string things together and see them as related (like money for one thing does equal the potential for money for another). My STBX did not...each idea was unrelated, and his desire to get new wheels for his car had nothing to do with scraping up enough money for our children's camp or clothes a month before. Also, as we know, those with ADHD can be impulsive, and do things like buy things for themselves that seem out of nowhere or unwise.
That said, sorry you are dealing with this. Financial insecurity is stressful. If I had to do it over again, I would have separated my STBX's money and mine from the beginning. It would have saved a lot of fights and worry. It could have been a positive thing--mine wouldn't have had to feel guilty if he blew his food money on something and couldn't eat afterward...and I wouldn't have had to worry that he would have blown our shared food money. Is it possible that you could do this in a positive way?
Best to you.
Glass half full = job finished and paid for
Submitted by jennalemon on
I wonder if "compartmentalizing money" is an ADHD thing. My dh too has always "claimed" some incoming money to things that he had, in his mind, earmarked for certain purposes. ie: He did a project at his/our business and said that that a certain $2000 job was to go for a new paint job for his truck and that I didn't have any say in it. When he got his rather small inheritance, $8000 he said that I had no say in where HE spent it and I was "not allowed" to put it into investment.."he deserved to have some time off working".
The solution, now so late in coming, would have been to have a LEDGER. Showing incoming money and outgoing expenses and first paying yourself for retirement. Let the ADDer pay those bills where they would feel the effect of non-payment...electricity, food, etc. Totaling each month to see where the money is coming from and where it has gone and deciding together where it will go next month. That doesn't sound like fun for non-ADDers either...which is why not many people do it. But with ADHD, it is a NECESSITY because I don't think dh has a financial reality working in his brain....his "glass half full" thinking means it IS full and he doesn't have to worry about it - someone else will fill it up or at least it looks to the outside like he is "working on it".