My husband asked me a few days ago if we were done. I truly don't believe we are, yet I fear I'm in denial. We both want things from our marriage, but neither one of us are able to deliver. My husband's ADD is worse than ever. He's committed to getting treatment, but has missed a few appointments because he was too late to bother showing up at all. He also confessed that he isn't getting anywhere with his therapist because she listens and offers no real advice. My husband got in to see the psychiatrist, was given Adderall, and weeks later, got it filled yesterday.
I keep running into walls emotionally and psychologically. I can't move forward with my husband, even when I think I can do it. After years of failed treatment of his ADD and it coming to a scary place now, I DON'T TRUST him. My husband is far worse than I ever thought. For years he honestly hasn't seen he has done much wrong. HOW CAN PROGRESS BE MADE if one can't rely on his own memory or focus enough to piece together what is truth? His memory lapses, glitches, and shuffling are mind boggling. My husband had a fit of memory glitches regarding a commitment he had made with our son and when trying to make sense of it, he started blaming me for confusing him. When I insisted and stood my ground, explaining the series of events where he had communicated one thing consistently with both my son and myself, then how he suddenly changed his perspective, and that what he was remembering was false, he FREAKED out - shaking, feeling crazy. I felt awful for him and deeply sickened by having to grab him by the horns and help him realize where he was. Emotionally, this is tragic for us both.
If I still love him, but cannot be more than a room-mate to him right now, what good is our marriage? Something inside of me feels that this love is enough to stay together for the sake of our 4 children at the very least. However, he wants, needs, demands more. His physical advances are typical ADD; compulsive, demanding, unthoughtful. His emotional advances are welcome, but awkard at times. Our marriage almost ended years ago, but I stayed because he sought treatment and things were really good for about a year. Then he stopped his meds. Thus followed years of apologies turned to confessions of not thinking he was wrong and not understanding why I was upset all of the time.
Hypothetically, even if I left my husband, I feel like I'm too ruined for anyone else. Even if my husband shaped up, how on earth to I become the wife I was so long ago? I imagine reinventing myself would be in order, but for now - it's pointless. I must continually defend my borders yet remember to find joy living within them. I must remain realistically untrusting yet open to change in my husband. I need to be hardened to withstand the conflicts as they arise yet soft in spirit to keep myself from being lost. Balance. Not a small task indeed.
Anti-depressants helped me before, so I'm off to be numbed soon. It's depressing now to think how they numb me from positive things in my life, but I'll have to forgo those things for the sake of self preservation right now. After the meds, I won't care so much. I'll see improvements with my mood around my kids, I'll be more patient with my husband. One draw-back with that patience is my husband has a false sense of how he affects me. For instance, if he starts fighting and blaming me for his problems, I react with a sigh and move on. He interprets this as not a harsh consequence and starts to keep himself in check much less. This prolongs the problem and makes it so I need anti-depressants to withstand our interactions indefinately. I feel so dysfunctional for staying with him. I wish someone would tell me the perfect thing to do. LOL! (that's a kookie laugh, btw. ;-p)