Ignorance is bliss, for a while.

(sorry for the you/her issue. this stuff was all originally journal entries, some directed at her, others meant for my psych/therapist)

Ignorance is bliss, for a while. Forgetting everything means forgetting the bad stuff, too. It means that as long as you're not actively angry at me, I forget that you're still hurting and everything in my little bubble is fine. My wife is happy, my baby is happy, so I'm happy. But that doesn't last forever. Only until the next fight. Which is inevitable, because the same issue that caused that last fight, the same issue I promised to fix, the same issue that I forget pisses you off, will happen again. And you'll get angry again. And I'll apologize and make promises again. But your heart grows a little bit harder, retreats into hiding a little bit more each time. Until finally there is nothing left. I have caused you to completely hide your heart from me. Not out of fear, or anger, but pain. And by then, it's too late.


It doesn't matter what songs I send you. I doesn't matter what letters I write you. I've said it all before. Promised relief, hope, change. Broken promises. Not because of hate, or spite, or malice. I had every intention of keeping every promise I've ever made you. And then a few days go by and my brain forgets that I ever said that. Even if I happen to realize I'm forgetting something, I try to remember, and get nothing.


I know that everything that is happening is the result of my actions, BUT I WANT TO BE ANGRY! I want to be angry over the fact that for the entire time I've ever known her she has abhorred cheating (due to her parents both cheating on each other time and time again), and then she cheated on me. I want to be angry that when I first found out and confronted her, she said they would stop (and the sex then got amazing, but apparently that was guilt? distraction?), and then I find out a month later that they were still seeing each other. "I care for him" she said. YEAH, AND I CARED ABOUT MY FRIEND BUT SHE WAS CAUSING US ISSUES SO I STOPPED ALL CONTACT WITH HER IMMEDIATELY (don't misinterpret this, though, this isn't about her. she's part of a past I've left behind). I want to be angry that she put up with my stupid bullshit for nearly 10 years, and then decides to leave when I finally get my head out of my ass long enough to actually follow through on getting diagnosed and starting meds and am now able to start making actual progress towards getting better. I want to be angry, but if anything I'm only angry at myself.


The current split of responsibility is weighted heavily towards me doing as much as possible. which not only do I not mind, I actively decline her assistance, encouraging her to get more rest. I view it as penance for what I've done. plus I hope that it leads to a change in her feelings towards me. I only have to get DD ready for school, while she watches DD all afternoon/evening, so there is that. Now, although I've become a proverbial doormat, she doesn't abuse it. but, she does utilize her new-found privilege. I watch DD on my nights off so that she can go hang out with her friends (and possible lover. I don't know the status of them, and frankly I don't give a fuck any more). but if we're done, what incentive do i have to continue down this path? currently i pay all the bills, and her money is mostly play money for her. so she has the funds to go to concerts, and events, and the bar, and out to dinner, and her games, and her coffee, while I've got nothing left over. there are also upcoming concerts where she needs me to take a vacation night to watch DD so she can go.


But I don't want her to stop doing any of that! I want her to still hang out with her friends. I want her to go to her events. I want her to be HAPPY. The only thing different that I want is to hold her hand again... to embrace her body.... to crawl into bed and the end of my day and pet her head and snuggle until I fall asleep...


But I recognize that maybe HAPPY doesn't include me by her side.