Well, that was another crappy night of covering up your feet with the blanket so they don't get cold, then having you roll over taking all the comfort with you and leaving me totally exposed.
What a petty thing for me to say. Sounds bad coming out of my fingers. That's why I'm saying it here, where someone might get what I mean.
Hey, I know if I had the ability to understand you in proportion, I would get the monumental effort of will that it takes you to have lunch with friends, and I wouldn't get so worked up when you seem to forget that I'm here. If I could just keep in my sight what it takes for you to get through the small things, I wouldn't feel so neglected, alone and unloved. And when I'm feeling tough, I do. I get the whole thing and drown my bad feelings in the ocean of my love and empathy. But this morning I'm weary, and I can't.
On a really great day, I can hang out on the outside of the big rock fortress that is you and be warmed by what I believe is the glowing love on the other side of the wall. I know now not to knock on the big wooden door, and not to claw at the stone. I know there's no getting in. I know the best way is to just sit with patience on the grass outside and know. This morning, though, I'm weary and I don't have faith.
I know it's not cool to lay all night looking at the ceiling and imagining some guy who would want to hold me. Who'd surprise me and flatter me and smile at me and go on adventures with me and say "Hey, lets" instead of "I don't care, just tell me what I have to do." Who wouldn't roll over and give me his back for 8 hours a night while I wet the pillow. Who would think I'm as great as I want to scream at you that I am. As I sometimes scream at you that I am. Who wouldn't always have a headache or a sore back or sore shoulders or general ongoing discomfort that takes anything but nursing it off the table. I know it's messed up to wish I were in love with him and not you.
I don't know any more languages to say "love me" in. I do know all the symptoms, I know what's you, what's me and what's ADD. But this morning, I'm weary and I don't much care.
I'm sick of failing at this, I guess that's the part I get. So that's why I'll write a letter on the forum and not to you. What's the use in telling you, it just makes you feel bad and it doesn't make anything better. I know how to use an I statement. When you [seems innocuous] I feel [destroyed.] I know how to make a relationship strong by working to understand and powering through and compromising and being honest. But right now I feel childish. So I'm acting childish. I'll eat up the consequences later when we fight. As soon as I start to explain, I'm just going to feel guilty anyway. So I may as well be selfish now.