I know some things won't make sense in my speech, as I myself don't understand it all. Many people around me can't understand me either and it's very confusing as it gets to a point where people give advice based on what they see but having ADHD I end up hiding many feelings even from myself and that's all very confusing... What are feelings, emotions, love, passion, rational decisions, faith, and the importance of marriage? And even if we get to distinguish all this at some point in time, are we supposed to be capable of summing it all and be fine with this logical decision even if sometimes they contradict themselves?
We started dating 6 years ago and married 3 years ago, young but in love.
I have had several relationships before and understand in me a pattern of self-sacrifice because I valued marriage, but didn't understand the importance of valuing my own interests. She always wanted us to do things she liked and being with her seemed more and more like an obligation than fun, and maybe because of that or the lack of a challenge or goal in our relationship, I just lost joy in being with my wife. She started to ask what could she do so I liked her more but I always said something regarding one of the first things that got into my mind, knowing that it would just make me endure the marriage easily but not make me like her more. Divorce crossed my mind but I valued marriage a lot so even going through depression, I kept trying hard to make my wife happy as I could, even if sometimes it didn't show.
Time went on and I started to understand that I was addicted to the challenge of making women interested in me, even during marriage. I also had big issues regarding sexual addictions, and we were having a hard time getting to understand all these issues and what to do. I had no idea I had ADHD and ended up finding it because of this situation, as I looked for a therapist regarding these other issues.
I had never before crossed the line of physically engaging with some other woman but then we started having issues in our sexual life (I had much more sex drive but also wanted to feel she was interested) and I ended up cheating on her. It was a thought decision at some point. I had an affair, hiding it from everyone, and it's my biggest regret in my life. But this changed my perspective.
I ruined my marriage but also the value it had for me, and at the moment, I don't feel anything for my wife, but the question in my mind is: being ADHD, my interest will probably faint with another woman as it fainted with my wife, so what is the point of trying to get out just to repeat the story again?
As bad as it sounds, the worst part of it is that my wife forgave me and is willing to keep trying. She's still in love and values our matrimony. I don't want to be in a loop but also can't find strong enough reasons to keep my decision strong and end up losing focus and find myself wanting the divorce but then again, if I'm not able to learn to keep this marriage together when I have a wife that's willing to hold it and wants to learn and change, why would I be able to do it differently with someone else?
I still don't know much about how ADHD is affecting me but I know it makes a huge difference just by having me go around seeking dopamine like a drug and I don't feel able to produce it with almost anything in my life in a while.